Venting "Your brother hanged himself last night"

[cuyso]

I've always struggled with mental health and came on here the same night I stood on the edge of a 100m bridge, being too afraid to jump.
Since then my life and mental state got a lot better and I felt genuinely happy for the first time ever.

Then last month, when I got home after uni, the first words my mom said were: "Your brother hanged himself last night". She also told me how he taped a sign to his door (he lived in a dorm) that said "Do not open, there's a dead body in here", so no one but the police would find him. He destroyed all his electronics and wrote a lot of notes for different people, I still couldn't bring myself to read the one for the family, but my parents said he called me the best brother he could wish for in there.

Since the funeral, there has not been an hour in the day where I haven't thought about it. I cannot get the moment out of my head where my mom told me, or the imagination of him writing those notes and sign.
Two weeks after, I had to prepare a presentation for a class about mental health in students and I almost started crying in front of everyone.

At the same time it showed me the pointlessness of life. Everyone else's life moves on, it doesn't matter to anyone but a couple people that he's dead. When someone will ask me about siblings, I can just say I don't have any, and that's... the truth

Every day, I have been thinking about doing the same again. I don't want to disappoint my parents even more but I also don't know how to deal or live with this.

 

[Aflame5926]

sorry for your loss man.

the only thing i can do is send you a virtuel hug.

 

[whywere]

Sending you lots of hugs and love, this made me cry.

You are part of the SaSu family, and you are a wonderfully caring and kind soul.

Have you in my thoughts and prayers.

Walter

 

[Vivissa]

I repeatedly says this to me "Don't worry "everyone else's life moves on" for good or for bad."

 

[Canto XIII]

My sister is one of the reasons this is so difficult for me. I hope she'd just forget about me, but man, I don't know...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[whaleandwasp]

It matters to me that your brother is gone and how much it's affected you. I wish I had gotten to know your brother or you. I wish I could take this burden from you. My spouse died suddenly and tragically on Christmas a few years ago. I can tell you that those traumatic thoughts of your mother telling you, and thinking about what his last moments were like, will eventually begin to fade and be replaced by the happier thoughts you have of your brother and who he was to you. I wish that you could channel these emotions you don't know what to do with into something healthy, like helping others, working out, or art. Anything. It would be tragic for your parents to lose you both to suicide when you have the prospect of a future ahead of you with studying at University. I'm from the United States, and over here, getting an education is like a luxury. I'm not preaching to you; I genuinely feel for you and wish I could take this pain away from you and add it to mine, since it sounds like you are still young. If you want to connect to talk about anything, your brother ot anything else at all, DM me. I'd love to listen.