He wonders Why I don't want to phone with him regularly.
After like messaging this escort woman I became really manic. I am not even sure whether that is something good. After mania there is always Depression. But I cannot cope with it anymore. I am beyond my Limit. I never wanted in my life to induce manic symptoms to feel better but I cannot handle it much longer.
I am still in better mood today despite I distanced myself from that idea. I am flip flopping on ordering SN again. The Day with one of my two Best friends Was really good. It was amazing He means so much to me. Without him I would be dead already. And he handles my suicidality very Well. My two closest friends Do extremely much for me.
I am so fucking scared to crash again into Depression. It is now evening and I become more depressed again.
I met my dad. First He complains why we don't phone more. Because He is a moron that makes everything worse.
Then He complained that I have secrets in front of my parents. He knows I ordered SN. My mom does not know the truth because of her heart Problems. He wanted to talk about my future (vocationally). Dad I am literally on the edge of suicide. My vocational future is a catastrophe. College led to my disastrous mental health. You just remind me what the right and rational choice is. Namely to kill myself in These circumstances.
He just cannot accept the reality. This Man blames refugees for literally everything. I told him college led me to order SN. My parents should have protected me. I told them that college is hell on earth. My resting pulse went from 71 to 113 within 3,5 years. Maybe because of the fact I had to take benzos to cope with the stress and had a withdrawal.
By the way I am on a train and I could not care any less if someone saw me that I am Sanctioned Suicide.
I am planning to kill myself in April when college re-starts. But honestly I feel So overwhelmed that I cannot imagine to live 4 more months. I spend money but it does not mean anything. The thought of going to an escort woman gave me a clear boost. It is insane how manic I became. It is totally nuts. My brain seems to want that. Maybe it is a hint that I should go into that direction. But in low dosages otherwise it blows my head off.
My Dad is not a real help. I am acting in front of everyone except my two closest friends. I spend with one of my closest friends the whole Day together it reminded me of my teenage years. We went to the same school. My friends are the biggest gift in my life. This acting in front of others hurts. I feel fake around Most people. The only other places I can be unfiltered is SaSu and my therapist. But I think my therapist will drop me soon if I remain uncensored. She wanted that I Start playing a music Instrument to feel better. Well going to a hooker seems to be more promising. But it has to be planned. The escort Lady also offered Sex without protection which is a Big Red flag. My friend and someone in this forum told me that I would have been totally clueless.
After like messaging this escort woman I became really manic. I am not even sure whether that is something good. After mania there is always Depression. But I cannot cope with it anymore. I am beyond my Limit. I never wanted in my life to induce manic symptoms to feel better but I cannot handle it much longer.
I am still in better mood today despite I distanced myself from that idea. I am flip flopping on ordering SN again. The Day with one of my two Best friends Was really good. It was amazing He means so much to me. Without him I would be dead already. And he handles my suicidality very Well. My two closest friends Do extremely much for me.
I am so fucking scared to crash again into Depression. It is now evening and I become more depressed again.
I met my dad. First He complains why we don't phone more. Because He is a moron that makes everything worse.
Then He complained that I have secrets in front of my parents. He knows I ordered SN. My mom does not know the truth because of her heart Problems. He wanted to talk about my future (vocationally). Dad I am literally on the edge of suicide. My vocational future is a catastrophe. College led to my disastrous mental health. You just remind me what the right and rational choice is. Namely to kill myself in These circumstances.
He just cannot accept the reality. This Man blames refugees for literally everything. I told him college led me to order SN. My parents should have protected me. I told them that college is hell on earth. My resting pulse went from 71 to 113 within 3,5 years. Maybe because of the fact I had to take benzos to cope with the stress and had a withdrawal.
By the way I am on a train and I could not care any less if someone saw me that I am Sanctioned Suicide.
I am planning to kill myself in April when college re-starts. But honestly I feel So overwhelmed that I cannot imagine to live 4 more months. I spend money but it does not mean anything. The thought of going to an escort woman gave me a clear boost. It is insane how manic I became. It is totally nuts. My brain seems to want that. Maybe it is a hint that I should go into that direction. But in low dosages otherwise it blows my head off.
My Dad is not a real help. I am acting in front of everyone except my two closest friends. I spend with one of my closest friends the whole Day together it reminded me of my teenage years. We went to the same school. My friends are the biggest gift in my life. This acting in front of others hurts. I feel fake around Most people. The only other places I can be unfiltered is SaSu and my therapist. But I think my therapist will drop me soon if I remain uncensored. She wanted that I Start playing a music Instrument to feel better. Well going to a hooker seems to be more promising. But it has to be planned. The escort Lady also offered Sex without protection which is a Big Red flag. My friend and someone in this forum told me that I would have been totally clueless.
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