GT Darkarage
GT / always fear
- Nov 17, 2018
- 163
It was a relief. About 5~6 pages talking to my family. No hate on it. Just clarifying why do I feel like how I'm now. What do I think triggered my depression and anxiety.
Strangely satisfying I have to say.
I know I'm not as bad as I was when I visited this forum for the first time eight years ago.
It is like, know now I will never recover from depression for sure, neither from anxiety.
I'm plenty sure I will ctb some how some day.
But writing that note feels kinda good for me. Now I know I have to make a few corrections on it or not.
I'm not really sure about that.
But it only confirms my suspicion that I'm wired for depression. There is no option. At the same time it feels ok for me.
I really wish I could get some sn to make things done.
Even today I was reading a notice of a mother in Europe (Suicide kit - mother of two). She bought a "suicide kit" and took her life.
It seems like she was from here (maybe) I don't know of any other forum similar to this one.
And well. All I can think is that she was so lucky at some point. Yes she left her kids.
But she is now resting in peace.
This is just a perspective. I know a lot of you may have kids too. I don't judge and I want to say, I feel glad I don't have kids.
I don't judge if you want to ctb even if you already have kids too. Just try to make things the less harmful possible.
And that is the point that I felt when writing my note. I'm not angry with my family. Yes a little bit maybe. But thinking about it and writing.
Now I comprehend that they don't have all the fault of how I feel right now.
Yes they made mistakes. Therapy and meds came after 3~4 years after the first time I cleared that I was feeling bad and depressed.
But my grandparents had died recently at that moment. Yes my parents didn't payed attention and now I'm the consequence of that.
But for me is ok. I feel like, no matter what happened, at some point in life I would have ended in this same situation.
Now I'm just forced to find my own way out of this. Yes I already choose ctb. Now is about just planning and finding the way to do it.
I know this may not be a popular opinion. Most people here is under 30. Others are older. Everyone in a different situation.
But I hope most of you find a way to make peaces before ctb.
Like at least in your final moments, at least you die knowing you tried your best to die with a warm heart.
It doesn't mean "completely" warm, but at least the most you can.
It will be difficult and it is ok if you can't.
But if you can, at least remember that it will help. Ctb at the end is about that. The search for resting in peace.
It is just a thought that appeared by casualty to me while I was writing.
I also was thinking on the post related to "how to make peace with ctb" in the sources sub forum.
It really helped me to feel ok with the desicion.
Strangely satisfying I have to say.
I know I'm not as bad as I was when I visited this forum for the first time eight years ago.
It is like, know now I will never recover from depression for sure, neither from anxiety.
I'm plenty sure I will ctb some how some day.
But writing that note feels kinda good for me. Now I know I have to make a few corrections on it or not.
I'm not really sure about that.
But it only confirms my suspicion that I'm wired for depression. There is no option. At the same time it feels ok for me.
I really wish I could get some sn to make things done.
Even today I was reading a notice of a mother in Europe (Suicide kit - mother of two). She bought a "suicide kit" and took her life.
It seems like she was from here (maybe) I don't know of any other forum similar to this one.
And well. All I can think is that she was so lucky at some point. Yes she left her kids.
But she is now resting in peace.
This is just a perspective. I know a lot of you may have kids too. I don't judge and I want to say, I feel glad I don't have kids.
I don't judge if you want to ctb even if you already have kids too. Just try to make things the less harmful possible.
And that is the point that I felt when writing my note. I'm not angry with my family. Yes a little bit maybe. But thinking about it and writing.
Now I comprehend that they don't have all the fault of how I feel right now.
Yes they made mistakes. Therapy and meds came after 3~4 years after the first time I cleared that I was feeling bad and depressed.
But my grandparents had died recently at that moment. Yes my parents didn't payed attention and now I'm the consequence of that.
But for me is ok. I feel like, no matter what happened, at some point in life I would have ended in this same situation.
Now I'm just forced to find my own way out of this. Yes I already choose ctb. Now is about just planning and finding the way to do it.
I know this may not be a popular opinion. Most people here is under 30. Others are older. Everyone in a different situation.
But I hope most of you find a way to make peaces before ctb.
Like at least in your final moments, at least you die knowing you tried your best to die with a warm heart.
It doesn't mean "completely" warm, but at least the most you can.
It will be difficult and it is ok if you can't.
But if you can, at least remember that it will help. Ctb at the end is about that. The search for resting in peace.
It is just a thought that appeared by casualty to me while I was writing.
I also was thinking on the post related to "how to make peace with ctb" in the sources sub forum.
It really helped me to feel ok with the desicion.
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