Venting Writing a note never feels “right”

[Mooncry]

I know I can't be the only one who's crumpled and thrown away countless suicide notes due to not feeling like they were "good enough." I always end up feeling like I could have said more, or said it all differently… I can never tell what tone I want to go for—sad, pitiful, lighthearted, practical? I don't know why it never feels natural or true to myself. Sometimes it feels too long, sometimes too short. Who should I address in it? What should I leave out?

I know I'm over complicating it and I should just write what comes to me. At the very least, it's gonna have my last wishes and practical instructions on what to do with my belongings, how I want to be disposed of, etc.

I'm trying to work on my "final draft" right now because I'm feeling like CTB is coming soon. I don't have a plan or a set date, but I'm teetering on the edge and I don't want to leave people without some closure.

 

[bankai]

This might sound silly, but are you shredding those notes? You don't want someone to read them by mistake. You may want to type a draft on a software app on your phone like notepad or something.

 

[Mooncry]

This might sound silly, but are you shredding those notes? You don't want someone to read them by mistake. You may want to type a draft on a software app on your phone like notepad or something.

Lol, no you're right, it's not silly. I do write all of my notes out on my phone first. Poor wording on my part, but definitely didn't mean literally crumpling up physical paper. I think I've only done that once and made sure it was thrown away where no one would find it. I agree with u

 

[Hazrakaht]

Wish you the best of luck, I can only imagine that shit sucks. Don't really have anyone around (no family, no friends) to read a note if I left one, so when I go it'll be up for the poor soul that finds me eventually to try to piece together why. Most people I have to be around on a day to day basis (colleagues for example) have no clue I'm suicidal and I probably come across as pretty mentally sound, so I can't really be arsed to explain in a note to people I hardly know why after a lifetime of pain I finally decided to take myself out back.

 

[JesiBel]

I wrote three, threw away two... I left only one in case something happens, I didn't read it again.

I always liked to make things clear so that no one bears the guilt.

But at the same time it makes me angry, all my life I've had to explain myself... when no one has tried to understand me. Sometimes I feel like throwing everything away and disappearing without leaving a single word.

It's hard.

 

[yearofluigi]

I've been working on my note recently and it's been frustrating. I want to write something reassuring for my parents and friends - this isn't your fault, this was inevitable, that sort of thing. But it keeps coming out really insincere. I can't talk honestly about what went wrong with my childhood without guilt-tripping my parents. I can't talk about loneliness without implying that my friends could've done more. And I don't even wanna think about the political optics of talking about how much I hate being trans. If I try to write about those topics without hurting anyone's feelings, I end up with a generic note that an AI could've written. And like you talked about, I can never get the tone quite right. I'm taking this really seriously but I still want it to sound like me, so all my attempts at striking this balance sound either disrespectful or overly formal.