I fully believe I have a purpose. I have friends who would lay down their life for me. I have goals and desires and I feel fairly confident in that purpose. I still want to CTB. Which makes me feel so much more shame for saying so. I feel like I am being absolutely selfish (even though of course I disagree with that notion fully), and that's what makes it hard for me sometimes.
At the same time, when I really zoom out and look at my life: I have been given a very rare, very awful hand. Nobody will ever understand the depth of the suffering that goes on in my brain.
Having everything does not necessarily mean you have anything at all.