What title says. I feel like catching the bus, once again, in the middle of a huge depressive episode that's already lasted for a few months, I can barely go out of the house anymore, I have SN ready since 2021, prop, benzos, AE, all I need are a few hours alone and I'm getting those hours the day after tomorrow. Even though I'm going to therapy, on meds (SSRIs, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers), I quit weed 2 months ago, I still feel like just going for it and offing myself as I can't see a way out of this shithole I am in. I mean, last month I didn't even have the energy to write about this. But I am thinking now that I'd wreck my wife's life, my 2 kid's life (2 and 4 yo), my parents - all are already worried about me, not to think of the extended family who have no idea what I'm fighting with... why is is so difficult to make a choice and stick to it? I've been moving back and forth for the last 2 months moving my CTB date further and further while ruining my career (I have a company that's not doing anything for a while now), ignoring most of my friends and circling down the pit of despair. Just so tired and afraid if I recover from this shitty depression I will not be normal and happy but go to full blown mania (bipolar here) and do even more damage to the people I care about. Last time I bought a car I can barely afford and now I can barely go out and buy gas for it, ruined a few friendships, torpedoed my main breadwinning project, almost destroyed my marriage (it's a miracle she's still around)... And currently feeling stuck. Also, if I go forth and do it, I am afraid I will be found by family members and ruin the family house for everybody... what would you do? Try to hold on and recover for them or just go for it and don't look back hoping they will be better off without me fkin up their lives with my shitty disease?
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WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,407
Yes. It does not mitigate my gender dysphoria and the fact that I am a cringe human.
Takamagahara
Seeker Of Heaven
- Aug 8, 2023
- 142
I have a family who loves me, but I am unable to love them back despite my efforts.
By all accounts, they're supportive and friendly. Not abusive. But when I look at them, I see strangers. I can't understand them, and they can't understand me. I feel alone and isolated around them.
By all accounts, they're supportive and friendly. Not abusive. But when I look at them, I see strangers. I can't understand them, and they can't understand me. I feel alone and isolated around them.
justwant2sleep
Member
- Jul 23, 2023
- 23
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 35,461
I don't really have any problems with my family other than I hate the fact that they burdened me with the ability to exist. In my case I would prefer to not-exist no matter what, I have no interest in suffering in this futile existence and existing fills me with dread, it doesn't appeal to me, it's tiresome and I could never wish to slowly decay from age. Only non-existence is what is desirable to me, I don't see something so harmful as existence as ever being worth enduring, to me it's a curse having the ability to suffer endlessly.
julysilentwoods
Member
- Jul 26, 2023
- 18
No, in 10+ years maybe, but not before that
My problem is I'm disabled and my family is abusive, if my family was loving i wouldn't be forced to kill myself . I want to live for at least like 10 years more cuz I have stuff I want to do. If my quality of life was liveable. But it's not my options is dying slow agonizing from abuse & neglect. Death is mercy then. It's the kindest thing I can do for myself in this shitty situation
My problem is I'm disabled and my family is abusive, if my family was loving i wouldn't be forced to kill myself . I want to live for at least like 10 years more cuz I have stuff I want to do. If my quality of life was liveable. But it's not my options is dying slow agonizing from abuse & neglect. Death is mercy then. It's the kindest thing I can do for myself in this shitty situation
fwompie
pit rat
- Aug 9, 2023
- 224
Having a loving family from the start would've probably made a big difference in how my mental health developed so there's no real way of saying I'd still do it.
That said, I don't think I would've ever loved life enough to keep going for a long time. Partially think it's genetics and this world, the way it's going, makes me miserable.
That said, I don't think I would've ever loved life enough to keep going for a long time. Partially think it's genetics and this world, the way it's going, makes me miserable.
d3j3ct3dl0s3r05
i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 242
old post but :pp
i'd likely still harbour some self-hatred over my inherently defective brain BUT a supportive and loving family would've probably helped me to overcome these issues and become more confident in myself. I would've also likely been told that I was loved and appreciated which would've been nice but idk
i'd likely still harbour some self-hatred over my inherently defective brain BUT a supportive and loving family would've probably helped me to overcome these issues and become more confident in myself. I would've also likely been told that I was loved and appreciated which would've been nice but idk
ayaneechan
Angelic Demon
- May 7, 2023
- 54
Idk, but if they treat me better i could really try to improve and see if life can be better as my therapyst say, but nope, thery just become more shit and if i tell something about ctb, even that i not want to live long, they just say me to stop. My parents are shit. my therapist never asked me what i want from life.
If i spend time with some nice ppl on discord and theyr my only real relief actually
But somehow i even hope my parents just trow me out from home so i finally attempt with no more excuses
If i spend time with some nice ppl on discord and theyr my only real relief actually
But somehow i even hope my parents just trow me out from home so i finally attempt with no more excuses
dmdmdm
Student
- Sep 20, 2023
- 124
Cage
Unwitting Baas
- Sep 18, 2023
- 112
I do have a loving family, but I don't deserve them at all. If anything I'm just punishing them and wasting their time by continuing to exist. Nothing I do can ever make up for the pain I've put them all through. It will still hurt them when I do get around to it but eventually they'll realize how right I was for doing it.
Obviously if I did have an abusive family that would certainly speed up the process of CTB. So for now at least I have the privilege to sit here and take my time contemplating it, rather than feeling immense pressure to do it.
Obviously if I did have an abusive family that would certainly speed up the process of CTB. So for now at least I have the privilege to sit here and take my time contemplating it, rather than feeling immense pressure to do it.
shotgun
im alive but im dead, awake but asleep
- Sep 14, 2023
- 26
my family's somewhat loving. my mum at least. I love her very much, especially since she always tries her best to get money or make ends meet since we're in the lower class. even if I do appreciate and love her, I'm not making it. at the moment i have 2yrs, 7mom and 7 days left i want to live for, unless i don't go quicker.
Well, update: the loving family is no more, wife left me, moved out to the mother's, took the kids and I'm all alone in the house we built together. Dunno... feels like the time's coming for me.
.dreamless.
Member
- Aug 3, 2022
- 25
I'm in tears and pain. I want ctb so badly but I can't because of my family. But I'm afraid I have to do it..
Really sorry about that, it's always such a painful thing when these things happen.
I think if I had grown up in a stable, loving home I would have been diagnosed with my multiple afflictions much earlier and gotten a decent head start in life. Life really is a game that you win or lose.
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Nobody Special
Member
- Jun 4, 2024
- 56
divinemistress36
Visionary
- Jan 1, 2024
- 2,404
I have a somewhat loving family but that doesnt fix my fucked up brain
EvisceratedJester
|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
- Oct 21, 2023
- 2,070
I have a loving family and I still plan on ctbing.
sancta-simplicitas
Experienced
- Dec 14, 2023
- 279
I don't have a loving family in the sense that I have a accepting, healthy and comforting family dynamic to fall back on when I feel bad. I have some family members who probably love me (father and maternal grandmother) whom I love back but that doesn't solve anything for me, nor would the former alternative have done, except I'd likely wouldn't have been abused as much as a child. I'm still ruined by mental health services.
ETA: if I somehow were to find a new family, who'd somehow be able to give me the things I've missed out on in life (unconditional acceptance, security, comforting touch, maternal guidance, stability, emotional nourishment) then maybe I'd stay. But that doesn't really happen to adults.
ETA: if I somehow were to find a new family, who'd somehow be able to give me the things I've missed out on in life (unconditional acceptance, security, comforting touch, maternal guidance, stability, emotional nourishment) then maybe I'd stay. But that doesn't really happen to adults.
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Growing up my parents "loved" me in their own way and it fucked me up something good. My partner "loves" me now but treats me like shit and is the reason I'm here. So, if that's what love is then yes, I would still ctb.
If however, they loved me by being supportive and encouraging of me and my life choices then no as I would be in a very different place in life.
If however, they loved me by being supportive and encouraging of me and my life choices then no as I would be in a very different place in life.
ADBoy777
Student
- May 16, 2024
- 132
I have a great supportive family they are really a 10/10 for me.
It's not about them in my case I just don't find any meaning in this life everything seems pointless from my point of view
It's not about them in my case I just don't find any meaning in this life everything seems pointless from my point of view
ijustwishtodie
death will be my ultimate bliss
- Oct 29, 2023
- 3,664
Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 20,312
My family is alright, except for my father, but my need to CTB comes from my inability to create my own family. I guess if I had one of those I'd want to CTB less for sure.
NEVberten
Freak
- Jun 11, 2024
- 12
No, at least I don't think I would.
I'm sure in my late 20s or 30s my schitzophrenia might convince me to, but honestly, having a loving and supportive family would do so much for me.
I'm constantly looking for a way to be freed cus I lack that love and support. The only "family" I have or ever talk to is my mom.
I do have friends but they aren't close to me to call them family or have that "home" feeling. I don't think ppl care about me enough for me to feel it. And I understand, I'm sad about it but I get it. I'm hard to help and love. Especially now that I've given up on trying to mask and put in an effort to get better and stay sober
I'm sure in my late 20s or 30s my schitzophrenia might convince me to, but honestly, having a loving and supportive family would do so much for me.
I'm constantly looking for a way to be freed cus I lack that love and support. The only "family" I have or ever talk to is my mom.
I do have friends but they aren't close to me to call them family or have that "home" feeling. I don't think ppl care about me enough for me to feel it. And I understand, I'm sad about it but I get it. I'm hard to help and love. Especially now that I've given up on trying to mask and put in an effort to get better and stay sober
I too am seeking the answer to this question, with a very very similar situation. I've been stuck since 2016...I thought I KNEW my answer for a long time. But now I'm just not sure..
Felodese
Experienced
- Mar 31, 2024
- 211
Don't know... The main reason I want to ctb is my depression. I don't know if a loving family could help with that, but then again, if I'd had a loving family I might not have become depressed to begin with. So... hard to say 
abchia
Student
- Aug 28, 2023
- 131
Maybe when I was growing up? But right now if I suddenly had a loving, healthy family that I felt safe and welcomed in, I don't think it would change how I feel towards myself because of all my experiences up until now. I would still hate myself which is a big part of why I don't want to be here. If I was born into such family then maybe I'd have different views of the world. I can't see it being different but we'll never know
Saturn_
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
- Apr 22, 2024
- 417
A person's upbringing is what shapes them and can often determine the trajectory of their life. If I had that healthy foundation, I would undoubtedly be in a much happier place than I am now. What really gets me is that my life could've easily been that way. I would've had a happy, healthy family if not for my mother and her complete lack of humanity.
If you're reading this and you decide you want to start a family someday, be VERY careful who you marry. Because if you aren't, your child(ren) will have to carry the burden of the other parent's failures for the rest of their life. And chances are that it'll destroy you too.
If you're reading this and you decide you want to start a family someday, be VERY careful who you marry. Because if you aren't, your child(ren) will have to carry the burden of the other parent's failures for the rest of their life. And chances are that it'll destroy you too.
