Discussion Wondering about buying SN

[ImpairedLowlife]

I have a very rare opportunity (free money) to actually order SN. I'm not ready to kill myself yet and I already have rope as a plan B, but it seems much scarier than drinking SN mixture.
I wonder if it will help me feel a bit more in control of my life, although I know I'm afraid of dying and I still want to recover, but that's very very unlikely.
Also buying SN will result in me barely having any food for about 2 weeks. I can survive that pretty easily, because sometimes I starve on purpose as a form of sh.
Thinking about this makes my heart pound pretty hard and I feel serious anxiety

 

[FuneralGrey]

It sounds like you're in a really tough spot. On the one hand, having the SN could help provide a sense of calm and hope in your life – an exit plan that suits your preferences. On the other hand, two weeks with barely any food sounds difficult. Especially if you're still trying to recover, doing something that has been a form of sh to you might be counterproductive.

I'm sorry. I wish I had better advice for you. I've not lived the same situation, but I've definitely been in the pull between recovery and having access to a way out. It's always felt like a safety blanket to me.

I wish you luck. I hope you're able to make whichever decision is best for you, in the short-term and/or in the long-term.

 

[ImpairedLowlife]

Especially if you're still trying to recover, doing something that has been a form of sh to you might be counterproductive.

Sh is what keeps me alive sadly. It's my last resort which still works

 

[FuneralGrey]

Sh is what keeps me alive sadly. It's my last resort which still works

I hear you. You're certainly not alone in feeling this way. SH can be a really helpful coping mechanism, which people don't always understand because from the outside it seems so destructive. But sometimes it's the best thing a person can do. "The lesser of two evils," I guess.

 

[IWishToDie]

buying SN will result in me barely having any food for about 2 weeks

Jesus, stock up on some rice at least. Save money in other ways first, then rice, then SN.