Women of the forum, what does your support circle look like?

[pyamu]

I have no friends but have a boyfriend who doesn't care much about me or my mental wellbeing. He gives me attention as long as I act happy tho

 

[Immensevoid]

I don't have any friend who really cares about me. As long as things were going well enough, someone was there by my side, then when my situation slowly worsened, even those few who I had thought were friends for many years and who knew what was happening in my life abandoned me at any moment. and as a result I isolated myself more and more.

 

[Oudenophobia]

Exactly - people just want to be heard. I appreciate the offer so much <3

I had a call about a week ago with an ex partner - this was someone I felt connected to, that I could say things without judgment, but was emotionally abusive. it was tense and he was angry for much of it. It was just so obvious they had no emotional capacity to even ask how I am doing. I listened to them talk about their life - which was fine - but they know of all the big issues going on in mine, and they couldn't even do the basics of 'so how is your health/any use on x thing'. I literally asked them about their big adulting thing and they talked about its resolution, and it was an obvious 'what's new with you' moment. I had a pretty positive thing happen to me professionally and shared a link to it - and they turned around and made it about them. Not the achievement I just did, but their reaction or my lack of support in the past in something they did.

He has had mental health challenges and suspect he has BPD, but he's just... gone now. His mental health is destroying his life.

I can't have them in my life. That energy - no. I'm not spending my remaining time with someone emotionally stunted/selfish/abusive/unempathetic/toxic as fuck.

You need not thank me.

It sounds like your ex partner is also displaying some clear signs of narcissism too, something that I cannot imagine helped either of you when you were together. I understand that relationships are very much give and take, so did he ever attempt to get any kind of help for his issues, or did he refuse?

The battle with mental health isn't one anyone can win fully. At the end of the day, you either end up learning how to live with the problems you have, or they eat you from the inside until there's nothing left for them to take.

There's a limit to how much abuse any one person can take, and it sounds as if you've put up with your fair share. I appreciate that the guy has issues, but you cannot reasonably unleash your frustrations out on others and expect them to remain unaffected.

I actively do not want any friends after all what happened.

I can understand your reasoning after the experiences you went through.

First off, why's this in the "Suicide Discussion" section and not off-topic or "Recovery"?

To answer your questions though:

Depends how you define friends, close friends, there maybe have been 3 or 4 in my life.
Just nice friends to do things with, maybe add some 5-10 over the years.


No, Many people come and go, many people listen or be "friends" for a few weeks or months even and then they leave anyway, so no, a friend is someone who cares enough to stay.


That they put in the effort, that they care, that they don't betray me.


Did you find any differences?

I posted this thread rather early in the morning, and I didn't really think too much on it. If the moderators wish to move it, I see no issue.

It's not for me to define what a friend is, as we each have our critera for what a friend can be classified as.

Few people want to stick around when things actually get difficult.

For most people, you're asking the impossible of them, even if what you're actually asking is extremely basic.

The data that I have is a little different to what I expected, but still not surprising overall. I can only imagine how many people on here are cripplingly lonely based on the answers I've received.

I have my wife that I love dearly and we are taking care of two amazing cats. Used to have tons of friends but the unfortunate reality of chronic illness tends to make everyone not extremely close to you disappear.

I lost my gender anyway, gender only works after a certain BMI, hard to be recognized as a woman without hair, without my defining features. Used to be so beautiful, now I am just a hairy skeleton, a genderless blob (which would be a dream for some enbies, heh).

You have someone who you care deeply about, and I sincerely hope you both cherish what you do have.

It's in those periods in your life where you actually find out how many people geuinely care; the answers are rarely what we want, but it's arguably nicer knowing where you stand, as opposed to thinking you're surrounding by people who care when they don't.

I suppose there's possibly some people out there that would like that.

 

[mortuarymary]

I have one friend who checks in to see how I am. Apart from that just colleagues at work the furry friends And my birds outside.
Im close to my sister and niece.

 

[Oudenophobia]

I have had only two close friends in my 30 years and only one of whom stuck by me for any length of time after graduating high school. Unfortunately, she had a tragic life and suffered from severe mental illness. With time, she became very flaky, often taking weeks to respond to a simple text. I couldn't take the hot and cold routine anymore, so I put my foot down and demanded some effort to change on her part, and it didn't go well. I don't think she really understood how much her behavior hurt me and was unwilling to change.

I still miss her, but our split was probably for the best even after over a decade of friendship. We had also grown apart in a lot of ways. Our lives were headed in very different directions. I genuinely hope she is doing better and has a happy life. I hold no ill will towards her.

Now, my mom is my only confidant, and there are real limits to her empathy. She does not understand my suicidal ideation at all. How could she? How can you look a woman in the face and tell her she should have aborted? You can't.

While I wish I could find someone to understand me, I have little expectation that this will ever happen again. My parents do not have such close friends and haven't had them for years. I do not see anything in my character or daily activity that precludes such an outcome, as I have always been a loner.

Acquaintances do not count in my view. I can't really share with them what bothers me, and they do not expect me to listen to their complaints either. We were brought together by our workplace and a few mutual interests, and nothing more binds us together.

Mental illness can bring anyone down from atop their castle. Were you aware of what it was that she was going through, and do you believe that there was a way around the primary issue of broken communication?

It's refreshing to see someone take the stance that you have.

We lie to protect the ones we care about, because we don't want to pull the ones we love into the fire that we're already burning in.

Should you ever feel compelled to speak to someone, even if only to vent about what's on your mind, you're always welcome to reach out.

That's a reasonable stance to take.

i really wish this to be changed but i stopped hoping for "a better life" bcs that's delusional

One could argue that it is better to have no hope in the first place, than to have what hope you do have taken away from you.

The closest I have to friends right now are two guys, neither of whom I really consider to be true friends. They don't really feel like friends.

So basically, I have 0 friends. I don't mind it. I don't like having friends. I find friendships to be too stressful for me and the payoff just isn't worth it. I can't really handle friendships due to my paranoia surrounding whether they truly like me or if they are just friends with me out of pity. I also tend to worry about if they are starting to grow tired of me and I always end up fearing that they are one day going to have enough of me and just abandon me.

Friendships are a very draining thing for me to maintain and outside of having someone to chat to and hangout with I don't tend to gain that much from them. My mom keeps on trying to pressure me into making friends and thinks I'm weird because I don't want them. She says "everyone has a friend", and "everyone needs a friend". It's really annoying. I've tried making some (mostly to get her off my back) but I'm having trouble doing so.

Oh well! I'm hopefully going to die soon so it doesn't matter. I tried hanging myself with a belt (it was the only thing I had on hand) yesterday but it didn't work. I've bought myself a rope today and I'm planning on trying again soon. Hopefully I'll never have to hear about how I "need to make friends" ever again.

Also, I don't understand what the amount of friends you have has to do with your support circle. You can have no friends but still have a strong support circle made up of your romantic partner/s, your family, neighbours, etc. You can also have no support circle but still have a bunch of friends. The poll is kind of meaningless since how many friends you have doesn't really reveal much in regards to one's own support circle.

Are you paranoid about the intentions of others from previous experiences?

The statement that she makes is more a reflection of what she wants for you, as opposed to what you want or need yourself. People can live fulfilling lives with or without friends, although few people actually follow along with this way of thinking.

Is hanging your preferred method, or are you opting for what is available to hand?

As a general rule, people tend to associate their support circle with people they deem important to them. This rule usually applies to family, friends, and partners. This doesn't apply to everyone mind you, but exceptions don't disprove the rule.

The consistent support network is my family. My mother, my father, my brothers. We've all gone though some bad things together and would drop anything to support each other. If not for them I would be long gone. I've kept myself in the limbo between life and death and stayed to suffer for their sake all this time. But in recent years the pain is starting to be overwhelming even with them around.
I have some friends but I'm too traumatized by unfaithful friends I find it extremely difficult to believe in any friend no matter how close they are.

One can only fight for so long, and it sounds like you've fought for a long time.

It's difficult to look past the mistreatment that we've recieved from others when attempting to form new bonds; sometimes the damage we've sustained in the past proves to be too much to overcome, no matter how much time or effort we actively put into overcoming it.

 

[soulessbunny]

Oddly and I don't crave symp for this but I don't actually like ppl, I know it's odd but as a child I had the classic circle but more prefer my friends animals rather than them as got older, then in hs it got to the point with my brain being odd, I was always worried if I spent time with say friend A friend B and c might get sad then vice versa it go to the point where it was easier to have none and I actually like it. I'm not sad, I do fantasise what itd be like to have loads but it's easy in head so I kinda keep fantasy friends there. Less hassle. I've been messed up emotionally and physically by so many people, not a fan. I'm aware this is making me sound slightly crazy. I've had online but drif and again online is easier but when I want to be more friendly apparently I bore people,too clingy ,(which pers who said that I always think "kettle pot mate" lol. I annoy people, or am just too weird for some. i do have a ld bf well fiancé but atm he's not very supportive he's knows sort of of this site(didn't tell him actual name) but his response to me ctb is "I'll be sad" I don't know why but that made me think less of him… he's goes awol for days (no no he's not cheating,duping me, he literally has bad memory focus and stuff) but yea I'd be much happier if I was stuck in a forest with animals…I'm like new age snowwhite, mix with piedpiper. I think I had one online friend who cared bout me but unfortunately lost contact and for the life can't remember name. But of a rant there….one of my probs.

 

[Oudenophobia]

I have no friends but have a boyfriend who doesn't care much about me or my mental wellbeing. He gives me attention as long as I act happy tho

Why would you entertain someone like that?

I don't have any friend who really cares about me. As long as things were going well enough, someone was there by my side, then when my situation slowly worsened, even those few who I had thought were friends for many years and who knew what was happening in my life abandoned me at any moment. and as a result I isolated myself more and more.

People will say whatever needs to be said in order to appear as supportive, but words do little to easy anyone's pain, and even less when it comes to resolving a person's problems. It's not exactly a surprise as to why you isolate yourself now more than ever before, though I do find it a shame that you've had to reach this point.

 

[Mitsumi]

It looks bad

 

[Oudenophobia]

It looks bad

Are you implying that you have nobody?

 

[Mitsumi]

Are you implying that you have nobody?

that I can actually trust and call a true friend? yeah

 

[Oudenophobia]

I have one friend who checks in to see how I am. Apart from that just colleagues at work the furry friends And my birds outside.
Im close to my sister and niece.

Our circle doesn't have to be large. I can't speak for everyone, but I imagine that most people would rather have one good friend as opposed to five fake ones. Do you find your relationship with your birds to be therapeutic at all?

that I can actually trust and call a true friend? yeah

As much as I know that I am nothing more than a stranger online, you can always message me if you just need someone to listen.

 

[mortuarymary]

Our circle doesn't have to be large. I can't speak for everyone, but I imagine that most people would rather have one good friend as opposed to five fake ones. Do you find your relationship with your birds to be therapeutic at all?

I talk to them, and they tweet back. Could watch them for hours. Actually it's a pleasure.

 

[Oudenophobia]

I talk to them, and they tweet back. Could watch them for hours. Actually it's a pleasure.

It sounds like you have something precious with them. Thank you for sharing that.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I talk to them, and they tweet back. Could watch them for hours. Actually it's a pleasure.

I have a bird feeder and in the spring it's a hopping place while I'm having my breakfast. I call it Club Window Ledge, with DJ Cardinal Seed Eater. I have blue jays, cardinals, titmouses, finches, mourning doves. I feel like Noah with the Arc!

I will sometimes be in the living room on a call, and I can hear them squabbling and it makes me laugh so much.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Only a couple of people i'd consider real friends and they are male. To me true friends are those who stick buy you through the real tough times, as I do them. They don't judge, blame or accuse you of spoiling there own happiness when you are down. They will just listen and try to emphasise with you. I do not know why but I find woman to be way more judgemental than men in general. At least this is my own experience.

 

[curiousfawn]

i have friends and a loving family but i dont rlly talk to them abt stuff like this cus its like, awkward? idk its abit of a taboo to talk abt how much u wanna neck it in my family so i dont rlly have a support circle

 

[Oudenophobia]

Oddly and I don't crave symp for this but I don't actually like ppl, I know it's odd but as a child I had the classic circle but more prefer my friends animals rather than them as got older, then in hs it got to the point with my brain being odd, I was always worried if I spent time with say friend A friend B and c might get sad then vice versa it go to the point where it was easier to have none and I actually like it. I'm not sad, I do fantasise what itd be like to have loads but it's easy in head so I kinda keep fantasy friends there. Less hassle. I've been messed up emotionally and physically by so many people, not a fan. I'm aware this is making me sound slightly crazy. I've had online but drif and again online is easier but when I want to be more friendly apparently I bore people,too clingy ,(which pers who said that I always think "kettle pot mate" lol. I annoy people, or am just too weird for some. i do have a ld bf well fiancé but atm he's not very supportive he's knows sort of of this site(didn't tell him actual name) but his response to me ctb is "I'll be sad" I don't know why but that made me think less of him… he's goes awol for days (no no he's not cheating,duping me, he literally has bad memory focus and stuff) but yea I'd be much happier if I was stuck in a forest with animals…I'm like new age snowwhite, mix with piedpiper. I think I had one online friend who cared bout me but unfortunately lost contact and for the life can't remember name. But of a rant there….one of my probs.

No, I find reading long messages like this to be rather pleasant. Everyone has a different opinion towards the topic at hand, and I consider "rants" to be just as valid as any other comment.

Friendships require a substantial amount of effort to maintain with some people, while others are quite content with the bare minimum.

It sounds to me like people in general are very hit or miss for you, although I cannot say that I'm too surprised with how fickle some people can be.

I understand that your partner would reasonably feel bad about you wanting to take your own life; however, his feelings do not take precedence over your own.
People often forget that loving another person is a rather selfish thing to do. If you love someone wholeheartedly, you're most likely prepared to do anything in the name of their happiness. While one can consider this noble at first glance, it feels less so when you realise that we do the things we do not just to make our significant other happy but also to make ourselves feel good about making our partner happy.

Finding solace surrounded by animals is understandable if you're less interested in humans. It's difficult to put into words per se, but there's a sense of calm that being in a room with just an animal can bring—something that no two humans can replicate together.

Only a couple of people i'd consider real friends and they are male. To me true friends are those who stick buy you through the real tough times, as I do them. They don't judge, blame or accuse you of spoiling there own happiness when you are down. They will just listen and try to emphasise with you. I do not know why but I find woman to be way more judgemental than men in general. At least this is my own experience.

We each have our experiences with others, and not everyone will gel with their gender.

Do you believe that people can only be considered true friends if they possess all of the qualities you listed at once, or do you only need to possess a few of said qualities to be considered true friends?

 

[Cara7177]

When you stop to consider everyone that has ever been a part of your life, how many people do you really have in your life that deserve that title?

Do you call anyone that listens to you a friend? Does any criteria need to be met before someone can be deemed worthy of the title?

What makes someone a real friend in your eyes?

This thread has already been done for men, but I wanted to create two threads as a way of comparing the answers seperately.​

There is absolutely no one. I'm estranged from family and I never had any friends. No one will miss me.

 

[Oudenophobia]

i have friends and a loving family but i dont rlly talk to them abt stuff like this cus its like, awkward? idk its abit of a taboo to talk abt how much u wanna neck it in my family so i dont rlly have a support circle

Taking about what some would consider to be a dark topic like suicide is usually only difficult due to people being unwilling, or unable to comprehend another person's reasoning on the matter. Family are people you would perhaps expect to be the ones to understand, but rarely is that ever the case.

 

[TapeMachine]

I slowly dropped all of my friends over the past few years after I stopped drinking alcohol. I have no one irl with whom I can discuss my deepest feelings these days, but I am to blame. Maybe I don't even want to talk about such things any longer, I don't know..

On my happiest days, I feel most content spending time alone anyway. Doesn't seem fair to me that the only time I used to reach out to friends was when I was dealing with problems, ya know? I figured I'd do them all a favor by freeing them from that burden.

I do have an online friend I talk with sometimes, but that's it for friends.

Aside from that, I talk with my mom a couple times a week. And I have an unconventional relationship, a "boyfriend" of sorts, but we do not have a deep connection.

 

[sserafim]

I guess I have two close friends (now that I've started talking to them again), but I would never talk to them (or anyone) about suicide or my suicidal feelings and ideation, so I don't know if they count or not.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Are you paranoid about the intentions of others from previous experiences?

I guess... I'm not entirely sure...

The statement that she makes is more a reflection of what she wants for you, as opposed to what you want or need yourself. People can live fulfilling lives with or without friends, although few people actually follow along with this way of thinking.

Yeah, pretty much.

Is hanging your preferred method, or are you opting for what is available to hand?

I did it because it's one of the more accessible methods. I've tried hanging myself several times around two or three weeks ago I think (I'm bad at keep track of time). I'm not suprised that I failed since I'm idiot who screws up at everything they try.

As a general rule, people tend to associate their support circle with people they deem important to them. This rule usually applies to family, friends, and partners. This doesn't apply to everyone mind you, but exceptions don't disprove the rule.

The point I was making was that looking at how many friends people have alone isn't going to give you a clear reflection of their support circle, making the results of the poll unreliable.

 

[Oudenophobia]

There is absolutely no one. I'm estranged from family and I never had any friends. No one will miss me.

Is this by choice?

I slowly dropped all of my friends over the past few years after I stopped drinking alcohol. I have no one irl with whom I can discuss my deepest feelings these days, but I am to blame. Maybe I don't even want to talk about such things any longer, I don't know..

On my happiest days, I feel most content spending time alone anyway. Doesn't seem fair to me that the only time I used to reach out to friends was when I was dealing with problems, ya know? I figured I'd do them all a favor by freeing them from that burden.

I do have an online friend I talk with sometimes, but that's it for friends.

Aside from that, I talk with my mom a couple times a week. And I have an unconventional relationship, a "boyfriend" of sorts, but we do not have a deep connection.

Did you make the choice to drop your friends actively, or do you believe that it happened as a result of the fact that you stopped drinking?

I can appreciate that, though I'm rather curious now as to why exactly you chose to only reach out when you were in need of help.

Is their depth in the conversations you share, or do you prefer to keep thing simple?

Do you want to have a deeper connection with him?

I guess I have two close friends (now that I've started talking to them again), but I would never talk to them (or anyone) about suicide or my suicidal feelings and ideation, so I don't know if they count or not.

You don't have to talk to your friends about the feelings you have; everyone has a different interpretation of friendship, thus if you consider them close friends for your own reasons, those reasons are valid.

I guess... I'm not entirely sure...

I did it because it's one of the more accessible methods. I've tried hanging myself several times around two or three weeks ago I think (I'm bad at keep track of time). I'm not suprised that I failed since I'm idiot who screws up at everything they try.

The point I was making was that looking at how many friends people have alone isn't going to give you a clear reflection of their support circle, making the results of the poll unreliable.

How long has it been since you had someone in your life that you considered a true friend?

The days tend to bleed into one after so many attempts.

The poll is a follow-up to the initial question in the thread title. The title asks you what your support circle looks like, and you can expand on your support circle with how many friends you have. Plenty of people that have replied have detailed what their circle looks like to provide clarity in their answers, but I can see how it could be misrepresented. Either way, polls in general are unreliable on the grounds that you never know if the answers people pick reflect the truth or not.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I have friends, but they're all hobby arcade friends and no one I consider to be very close enough to feel emotionally vulnerable around. I used to have one I felt safe around but we had a bad separation and since scared of being open again. Any hint of mental distress and my support circle could dry up.
Still better then nothing I suppose, they help distract me if I pretend to be happy enough to go along with it.

 

[Trakehner]

I have zero friends. I have very poor social skills due to not talking much throughout my life. I do feel lonely, but I hate being around people at the same time. I don't relate to others and find interacting with them to be tiring and not worth it. I can't carry on a conversation and people tend to find be super boring and awkward/weird. I'm trying to find solace in being alone since I will likely never have friends.

 

[ForgottenTomb]

I don't have a friend group, but I am getting more friendly to my family which is a development I never expected. Even though I do not have anyone outside of my family, I have always had a sibling I was always very close with. But she is not like a friend, she is like a daughter.

 

[Cara7177]

Regarding my estrangement from family, two years ago my mother became violent with the onset of dementia & I had to take a restraining order against her. My father & sisters sided with her and cast me out. As for friends, they've all turned their backs on me. Friends I've lent money to see me struggling financially & don't offer to pay me back, but instead purchase ridiculous outfits for their dogs.

 

[barkbark]

i have a few really good real friends, and i think what makes a real friendship is someone who will listen, trust, give you support if you need it and help you if you need it — and it's a two way street, so you do the same back.

i will say though despite having really good real friends, i come here because none of them share even remotely similar views on life and suicide and all that. i've even told a few about this site (granted they don't know my username) and, of them, one knew of the site from the god damn youtube video which shall not be named of all things, two consider it a suicide cult and one had managed to find it independently and im still worried about her potentially being here and eventually finding my posts and recognizing my typing style or something

 

[TapeMachine]

Did you make the choice to drop your friends actively, or do you believe that it happened as a result of the fact that you stopped drinking?

I actively severed ties with some of them, but others were slowly dropped as a result of my losing all desire to socialize.

With the first group of individuals (the active drops), I had plausible reasons for breaking things off with each one. It just took sobering up (after 15 years of heavy alcohol+ use) for me to recognize some major details I'd been inadvertently (or blatantly?) dismissing for years. So I guess it was a good thing to finally remove the veil of inebriation from my eyes.

Unfortunately, with the good came some bad: as I mentioned, I lost my desire to socialize once alcohol was omitted. And this is why I ended up dropping the other friends, the good ones. I never realized how desperately I relied on alcohol as a social buffer until I was no longer able to use it as my crutch. And what finally sealed the deal was my deciding to kill myself anyway. I figured, why keep these beautiful souls near if I'm only planning to abandon them in the worst way sooner than later?

I can appreciate that, though I'm rather curious now as to why exactly you chose to only reach out when you were in need of help.

I found myself only reaching out when I was in need of meaningful conversation, in need of help with my emotions/feelings, and stuff like that.

I can't explain why, but I prefer to spend time alone when I'm most content, maybe because I don't really have much to talk about in these moments? I'm always happy to listen to my friends talk when I'm feeling well; it's just that I don't initiate conversations during these times. If that makes any sense at all?

Is their depth in the conversations you share, or do you prefer to keep thing simple?

I very much prefer deeper conversations.

Do you want to have a deeper connection with him?

I knew that sort of thing was not possible from the very beginning of our arrangement. I guess that's one of the reasons I chose him, because I knew he would never have the power to break my heart. I have an incredibly fragile heart, and I didn't want to open myself up to the vulnerability of having it crushed again.

But nothing would make me happier (even if only temporarily) than to have a profound connection with a significant other again. It's just not possible with my current bf, and I'm too exhausted to try again with someone else.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

How long has it been since you had someone in your life that you considered a true friend?

The days tend to bleed into one after so many attempts.

It's been around 4 years I think.