Women of the forum, what does your support circle look like?

[Oudenophobia]

When you stop to consider everyone that has ever been a part of your life, how many people do you really have in your life that deserve that title?

Do you call anyone that listens to you a friend? Does any criteria need to be met before someone can be deemed worthy of the title?

What makes someone a real friend in your eyes?

This thread has already been done for men, but I wanted to create two threads as a way of comparing the answers seperately.​

 

[penguinl0v3s]

My friends are people that will contact me first for the purpose of enjoying my company. And people that will listen to me when I have problems and want to support me. I don't keep a number, but I have more than 4 for sure.

They can't make my pain go away though. Unless they can bring someone back to life or fill the missing space in my heart, they can't help. None of them understand because they haven't had the experiences I've had, so talking to them does nothing.

Not everyone who listens to me is a friend. My therapist isn't my friend. To me, a friend is someone who wants to have a relationship with you and shows it via actions like spending time together or talking to you. They aren't necessarily a close friend, but they're a friend nonetheless.

A real friend is someone who you mutually love. They support you in what's good for you, even if it hurts to. They are also willing to help if they're currently capable of doing so. And if they're not at the moment, it's understandable, but wouldn't strain the friendship. They'll help you even when they don't have an incentive to.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

haven't had friends for 6 years, irl/online. nothing changed when i didn't try, & nothing changed when i did. but the latter was significantly suckier bc i actually put effort in, for the same results, lol.

 

[Oudenophobia]

My friends are people that will contact me first for the purpose of enjoying my company. And people that will listen to me when I have problems and want to support me. I don't keep a number, but I have more than 4 for sure.

They can't make my pain go away though. Unless they can bring someone back to life or fill the missing space in my heart, they can't help. None of them understand because they haven't had the experiences I've had, so talking to them does nothing.

Not everyone who listens to me is a friend. My therapist isn't my friend. To me, a friend is someone who wants to have a relationship with you and shows it via actions like spending time together or talking to you. They aren't necessarily a close friend, but they're a friend nonetheless.

A real friend is someone who you mutually love. They support you in what's good for you, even if it hurts to. They are also willing to help if they're currently capable of doing so. And if they're not at the moment, it's understandable, but wouldn't strain the friendship. They'll help you even when they don't have an incentive to.

You seperate your friends accordingly to the dynamic that is shared between the two of you whilst never diminshing the value that one brings over the other, something I sincerely can appreciate.

Loss changes people in ways that those who haven't experienced loss cannot comprehend, and no amount of love, kindness, or support can ever change that. Words through a screen will always fall short of healing the wound, but please know that I admire your ability to continue despite what you've been through.

As I said above, I admire that you're able to see the value in the small actions that you recieve from others, whilst not locking the idea of someone being a friend behind grandiose gestures that are often insincere.

Your definition of a real friend is really what piques my interest, primarily because it shows that some people are able to see past the superficial acts of fleeting kindness, focusing on how the depth to a friendship can be endless if two people care enough for one another.

Thank you for posting this. This was a pleasure to read.

haven't had friends for 6 years, irl/online. nothing changed when i didn't try, & nothing changed when i did. but the latter was significantly suckier bc i actually put effort in, for the same results, lol.

Do you understand why you've found yourself alone?

 

[Abyssal]

I mean, I have friends but they don't help. I've learned to stop reaching out.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

Do you understand why you've found yourself alone?

yes, it's pretty simple. i'm not compatible w the majority of ppl. which i don't really mind, considering what i think of the majority of ppl. it just kinda sucks that no matter where ive gone/what i've tried, i haven't been able to find even 1 person similar to me in any aspects that matter.

 

[Oudenophobia]

I mean, I have friends but they don't help. I've learned to stop reaching out.

Learning to stop reaching out doesn't change the fact that you might still want to reach out.

yes, it's pretty simple, lol. i'm not compatible w the majority of ppl. which i don't really mind, considering what i think of the majority of ppl. it just kinda sucks that no matter where ive gone/what i've tried, i haven't been able to find even 1 person similar to me in any aspects that matter.

I understand how superficial most people have become, and that finding depth in other humans now feels like trying to get blood out of a stone, but I digress. What aspects matter to you when connecting with other people?

 

[loslassen]

I have many friends I appreciate but i think I can only consider my bf and another friend true friends, but my other friends been drifting away from me and as much as I try to be there for them it hasn't been very meaningful lately, I love her to death but I've changed a lot in the period that she's been out of my life… and I feel like she's dealing with too much to get to know me again or listen to my pitiful feelings, I understand

 

[Abyssal]

Learning to stop reaching out doesn't change the fact that you might still want to reach out.

I don't want to reach out, I just want a miracle cure to my depression. Realistically, nothing anyone can say will cure me, therefore there's no point.

 

[Oudenophobia]

I have many friends I appreciate but i think I can only consider my bf and another friend true friends, but my other friends been drifting away from me and as much as I try to be there for them it hasn't been very meaningful lately, I love her to death but I've changed a lot in the period that she's been out of my life… and I feel like she's dealing with too much to get to know me again or listen to my pitiful feelings, I understand

Does your significant other know about your account on here?

How did you two end up drifting apart?

 

[hikikomorizombie]

I understand how superficial most people have become, and that finding depth in other humans now feels like trying to get blood out of a stone, but I digress. What aspects matter to you when connecting with other people?

:o oh wow, u verbalized that v well, nail on the head. the main thing that matters to me nowadays is logic/intelligence + honesty, before anything else. not being boring & being able to hold a convo (meaning im not the only 1 asking questions/really furthering it) are other important things. but those all come w intelligence, so. i feel like im just getting a front row seat to watching everybody's brains atrophy, & i can't escape it :// it's rampant, & v disheartening. but maybe it's always been this way, idk. def helps w the whole kms thing though, lol.

 

[Oudenophobia]

I don't want to reach out, I just want a miracle cure to my depression. Realistically, nothing anyone can say will cure me, therefore there's no point.

Not everyone wishes to heal through conventional means, and there is nothing right or wrong with feeling as such. To each their own in the end.

 

[february in alaska]

Nobody, not even online pals these days. It's terribly isolating and awful, I've been wishing for a strong close knit friend group since the 7th grade, but most of the time it's my own fault. I'm miserable, and people don't like being around miserable people. I hate the idea of putting on a smile and hanging out, I hate leaving my apartment, I hate leaving my room. Being lonely with agoraphobia is the worst kind of catch 22 lol

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm to depressed to ever leave my bed to maintain friendships. Online friendships are all I can handle

 

[Oudenophobia]

:o oh wow, u verbalized that v well, nail on the head. the main thing that matters to me nowadays is logic/intelligence + honesty, before anything else. not being boring & being able to hold a convo (meaning im not the only 1 asking questions/really furthering it) are other important things. but those all come w intelligence, so. i feel like im just getting a front row seat to watching everybody's brains atrophy, & i can't escape it :// it's rampant, & v disheartening. def helps w the whole kms thing though, lol.

I can't tell you how often people end up saying that I "nail things on the head" in conversations, and I also can't tell you how I do it either. I appreciate the acknowledgement though.

Logic and intelligence leads to the ability to critically think, something that too many people now can't do. Honesty is probably one of the most valuable traits in another person, for it requires you to be capable of giving "tough love" to people when all you want to do is whisper honeyed words into their ear, telling them that everything will work out because you will make it work out.

Finding somone that can hold a conversation these days is also a rarity, seeing as how common it is that people end up getting stunted in their developmental stages, therefore leading to poor communication skills, low empathy, an inability to critically think, amongst many other issues when entering adulthood.

Watching the world burn is cathartic in essence, and particularly sad if your perspective swings that way.

Nobody, not even online pals these days. It's terribly isolating and awful, I've been wishing for a strong close knit friend group since the 7th grade, but most of the time it's my own fault. I'm miserable, and people don't like being around miserable people. I hate the idea of putting on a smile and hanging out, I hate leaving my apartment, I hate leaving my room. Being lonely with agoraphobia is the worst kind of catch 22 lol

The internet is a powerful tool, just as the poison of one's own mind can be. Do you have anhedonia, or are you still able to find any joy in specific activities?

I'm to depressed to ever leave my bed to maintain friendships. Online friendships are all I can handle

Online friendships are a start. Do you have things that you do with the people you're friends with?

 

[Abditory]

I mean, I have friends but they don't help. I've learned to stop reaching out.

Exactly this

 

[Oudenophobia]

Exactly this

Like I said to @Abyssal, that doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want to reach out.

 

[DeadHead]

Support circle?

 

[Oudenophobia]

Support circle?

How long has it been? I'm assuming sarcasm, though I could be wrong.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I have one true friend that really cares.

 

[Oudenophobia]

I have one true friend that really cares.

Does your friend know of the current headspace you find yourself in?

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I have a small group of 4 people who I can always reach out to surrounding me. It's support and being supported because they have metal issues as well, so we don't need to explain.

 

[cryone]

I have a handful of friends….but none of them can i open up and feel like cares for except for two. still, ive never talked about being suicidal to both of them, so are we really that close? idk, but ill talk about my sleeping issues and stresses.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Does your friend know of the current headspace you find yourself in?

Yeah I spoke about that before but it makes him very sad. If you really like someone you don't want to hurt them with talks about suicide.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

yes, it's pretty simple. i'm not compatible w the majority of ppl. which i don't really mind, considering what i think of the majority of ppl. it just kinda sucks that no matter where ive gone/what i've tried, i haven't been able to find even 1 person similar to me in any aspects that matter.

I feel you. I've had combinations of life experiences that are so strange that I can't connect with anyone on a deeper level. I've drastically changed as a result of some of these experiences, sometimes overnight. Bringing me further and further away from others.

You seperate your friends accordingly to the dynamic that is shared between the two of you whilst never diminshing the value that one brings over the other, something I sincerely can appreciate.

Thank you! I don't yearn for a "designer" friend that wants to talk all about feelings, likes all my hobbies, and thinks all the ways that I do. While it would be cool, having a ton of friends for a bunch of separate aspects of life is wonderful too.

Your definition of a real friend is really what piques my interest, primarily because it shows that some people are able to see past the superficial acts of fleeting kindness, focusing on how the depth to a friendship can be endless if two people care enough for one another.

I gave you that definition because I rarely love people. I associate "real" with "love." I don't love my mother, I don't love my sister, I don't love my friend that almost died, or most of the ones that are still alive.

I don't think being nice to someone, but not loving them is superficial. I like my friends. They are nice people that are deserving of good things. So I treat them with kindness and try to do good things for them, and be supportive during the rare moments when I have the patience to be. I'm not a patient person, but I believe patience is a virtue to strive for. I want to be kind to them just for the sake of making them happier.

That being said, I don't love them. There's no desire to discuss my emotions or even express them because other people are incapable of understanding. (It's really rare for someone to have an experience with suicide pacts, let alone how it feels to not fulfill one and get left behind. I deal with it all alone. Oftentimes it creates a one-sided emotional connection where others share their emotions, I offer comfort or advice, and they end up loving me, but I don't end up loving them.) There's been rare exceptions.

People are easy to like, hard to love. It's really difficult for me to be a close friend.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I have no real friends since I'm at least 10. By that I mean: people I invite to my home or visit their home and with whom I share my honest feelings with. People who are there for me if things go wrong.

I have no such people anymore and I do not want anyone to be friends with anyone anymore because the only friends I've ever had later turned out to be manipulative and just bad people.

Did I ever have real friends? At least I tried.

 

[MiMif]

I have 0 people I consider friends and trust enough to share my problems with. I used to think I had more...i was naiive. The second i let a little bit of the real me slip through my "friends" ridiculed me and said i was faking it. They dont talk to me unless i contact them first. They hang out without me and call me wierd.

I used to think my mother was among those people as after she found out i was suicidal she tried talking to me. My father never did. However my mother stopped after a week. She not only stopped but had a mental break down and told me she has problems to and shes sick of me throwing all my problems at her and i should be grateful for what i have and was a spoiled brat. The whole thing lasted about 20 minutes and it was one sided as i stayed quiet. I was never the one who went to her however and she was always the one who started to conversations about my mental health...i think it was too much for her.

I used to think my sister was but...Well to put it lightly i can sometimes act a little crazy. Sometimes with knives. I happened to do this infront of her and she was wierded out. Then I randomly asked her to choke me till i passed out with this string thing i had...yeah to be honest the reason i have no one is mostly because of me. Usually when people do try helping me i push them away and change the topic as i dont like talking about feelings with others.

Im also really wierd and i feel like i sometimes wierd people out. I dont hate anyone for abandoning me i just think im not meant to be around people. All the girls around me talk about their crushes and what not while my aromantic ass just thinks "Oh wow that tree would be a great place to hang myself if it wasnt in such an open area"

Im outta joint from everyone else and never really understood how to understand people and fit in with society.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's difficult to say really. I mean- I haven't seen these people in 5, 10, 20 years. Some I haven't spoken to in years. Do you call a few texts a year a friendship? One friend texts me weekly. I think- in terms of what you're refering to as a support network though- no, they aren't there. So, while I may think of them as people I have been friends with, practicality wise, I'm going to go with none.

I think I know where you're going with this here though and it will be interesting to see. I think there is this theory that the male loneliness epidemic is in part caused by men not having the friendship support networks that women (supposedly) do.

I'd say, it depends on the men and the women and their ages. Most of my friends now have their own families and their time is taken up with them. When they do socialise, it seems more likely they will do it with other couples who also have children. Plus, most of us all moved away from one another. I grew to not really trust friendship and I have a lot of social anxiety so, I don't exactly look to make new friendships.

 

[Humble]

I have a ncie close group of friends and sometimes I reach out to some of them. However, there's one person I'm very close to, we're like two peas in a pod, everytime I feel ass I'm able to talk to him about it and vise versa.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never been interested in having friends personally, I've preferred to be alone. Such a thing sounds tiring, I don't relate to other people and anyway other people can very easily just create way more suffering, they cannot be relied on.