Women of SaSu: When did you first see males as a threat?

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

Disclaimer: Men can be victims, and women can be perpetrators. There are so many nuances to this conversation, and I could take up dozens of posts talking about each one. In this post, however, I want to focus on those of us born female living in a society where violence by men, especially sexual violence, is prevalent. If you guys are interested, I'd be more than happy to do a post about male victims and/or female perpetrators.

So...

I've been afraid of men for as long as I can remember. Not random men walking down the street. Not daddy. Not my uncles or cousins. But I grew up in the era of stranger danger and I also lived in a household where shows like Cold Case Files and Law and Order were constantly playing. I remember being four and just...not wanting anything to do with men or boys. Even though I was a daddy's girl. Neither of my parents ever specified a gender when they told me strangers were bad. But I knew, deep down, without verbalizing it, without having to be told, that the real danger was men. I knew that if I was in the park and I approached a stranger, if the stranger was a mom pushing a baby stroller, it wouldn't have been a huge deal. If the stranger was a man standing alone at the edge of the park? Totally different story.

To be fair, young boys are also at risk of being overpowered by men. Adam Walsh and the victims of Westley Alan Dodd are prime examples. They also are taught stranger danger for their safety. But since I am female, I am focused on how it feels to be female and to perceive men.

The fear of men takes on a different dimension when you hit puberty. By now, I have interacted with a lot of males and have a certain comfort level with them. But now that I'm in puberty, I have a large pool of men seeing me as a potential sex partner. And now I can get pregnant. I was 11 when I first thought of what I would do if I were raped and got pregnant. And I was a minor in a rural state run by Republicans. Eleven. That's just wrong.

I'll close with a poem.

I remember being tiny
I was nonverbal then
I could sit under the tree
Just stay away from men

I came home after school
Watched TV in the den
But if someone knocks, you hide,
And stay away from men

I rode my bike downhill,
Picked cattails round the bend
My parents trust my friends
But stay away from men

My dad gave me an email
MySpace was hot back then
Play flash games with Hermoine
Just stay away from men

I realized I love parties
Hey there, how you been
I can dress the way I want
Just stay away from men

I'm home alone at night
Said 'I love you' to my kin
Lock the door and put your hood up
And stay away from men

I just got out of work
My mom needs me at ten
Dimly lit and dark and empty
Please stay away from men

 

[LaetumCat]

I was always a very girly girl, you know, the type to wear princess dresses and play with barbies, so I never much interacted with boys... I guess around 6 or so when I started elementary school, I started being scared of them. Two boys were "bullying" me (maybe bully is too strong of a word, they made fun of me when I didn't understand stuff and laughed at me). All through my elementary school boys would make fun of me verbally, so I just never talked to them because well... Why would I?
When I was like, 12 or so, I was pretty scared of boys, being in middle school and realising how many guys were actually pretty cruel, so I just hung out with girls.
At 13, I found an online friend on Instagram, a boy, and honestly I wanted to stop talking to him after I found out he was a boy (a few days after meeting him), but I decided to face my fear and continue talking to him. Even actually, I started talking to more boys, even irl, so by 15 I was completely okay with them. Of course, I still preferred talking to girls, but I didn't mind boys anymore.
Ah, I forgot to mention, I do have a younger brother, so, he was the only boy who I didn't mind growing up.

I'm now completely okay with talking to men, however I still talk to women more because I share more interests with them :3

 

[idfwlnh]

Because of my ignorance of the internet when I was 7, I was being followed and spammed nudes by a perverted guy although I blocked him many times he just appears again asking me to send the same contents and ask me to be his sister bcs I was "cute". Then a classmate of mine is just kinda step over the bound and keep being real close to me in terms of...distance, touching my body, then also a senior...Then I'm scared of them. Until now, I still havent completely overcome my fear towards men

 

[ironrain]

Never. Men should be scared of me, lol.

But if seriously, I've always been so reserved and serious, that no one dared to even approach me. I guess ny resting bitch face makes me look like I'm contemplating murder so... Yeah, I've never thought of men specifically as a threat. For me it's always been "there are bad people out there", but not gendered. I've only recently intellectually realised this and even now I'm meh well, it is what it is. Men are dangerous but it's life I guess...

 

[Forever Sleep]

My Grandma did the bulk of my raising in early childhood and she was very protective. She would be very nervous about me walking home in the dark. It wasn't specifically men she warned me about. Just a more random threat that you're likely to be attacked then. I suppose I knew it was men she was likely talking about though. It wasn't even a particularly dangerous area either. I think maybe she may have been a pessimist- like me.

Thinking about it though- even with a male neighbour, she was obvioulsy protective- to the extent that I noticed it. As it happens- he was just a really lovely man who always wanted to have children but, never did. I don't blame her though. I think children are most often abused by people in the family or, friends of the family. Better to be over protective I think- rather than too trusting or neglectful.

She definitely gave me the sense early on that men were untrustworthy. Even refering to her own husband- who again was a lovely, honest man. She said- if a woman claimed she'd had an affair with him, she'd defend him publicly but, still check up on him!

She definitely gave the impression/ warning that a lot of guys were only after sex. And- she wasn't entirely wrong about that. Just, not with me- thankfully really.

By ages 14, 16+ I began to witness for myself- that there were dodgy men in the world. Not all that many instances- thankfully but still, one or two. Either towards me or, witnessing them behaving in a threatening manner towards other women. I think there have been maybe at least 9 times I was either afraid for my own safety or, that of someone else.

 

[purebliss]

As a men: I sincerely apologize for all the things that have been done to a lot of woman here.
I have seen way too many posts about woman that want to CTB because they got raped or otherwise assaulted.

It is incredibly cruel and I wish the patriarchy will come crashing down one day. It affects everyone

 

[disgustedbyhumanity]

idk i always had intuitions but then i started doing drugs and then i got SA'd

 

[CatLvr]

My first abuse came at the hands of family -- the very people who were supposed to keep me safe. And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, the women in my family doubled down with "well what did you do to make him think you wanted that" and lots of other similarly degrading statements.

Even when you would have thought I was old enough to see the signs a mile away, I wound up married to an abusive man. He tried to be physically abusive but I'm a little bit crazy so I managed to scare him to death and he never tried that shit again after the first time.

But what he couldn't manage physically he more than made up for emotionally and psychological. Unfortunately for him my mom had already given me the PhD treatment with ALL the things considered mental torture. So ... Poor guy ... I just buckled up and waited him out. He died. I am now happier than I have ever been in my entire life because anyone who has ever mistreated me has either moved on to torture and mistreat someone else or they have died.

So ... Up until very recently I don't remember a time in my life where there wasn't SOMEONE mistreating me physically or psychologically. And I will be the first one to admit -- it feels a little strange but I could also get VERY used to it.

 

[3spiral]

i'm not sure if i'm totally cisgender. i'm still questioning this but i was born as a female and relate to it to a certain point even if i prefer being perceived as part boy-ish. makes me feel free to be myself even if i haven't been able to express this very well yet.
anyway, saying this as someone who was raised as a girl, i don't think i have ever experienced something such as "fear", but rather disgust(?) or suspicious towards men (i still have always had friendships with men throughout my life and still do. i think i used to get along more with the boys as a kid, even if nowdays i feel safer around girls). luckily, i have never had any experiences that led me to be >afraid< of them, i just know that at certain point around 12 i learned what it meant to be a girl and i carried a sort of rage that probably just came naturally from being exposed to this world. you hear a lot things being said about women, you see a lot of horrible things on the tv and on media. my parents and especially my mom probably told me at some point about how much more common sexual harassment was at their time and my mom is pretty intense about things. my dad's family comes with a lot of tragedy because

Spoiler: tw

basically my great-grandmother was r@ped by her husband at 14 (among other sexual trauma) and so the rest of the lineage was taught about how men were dangerous because that was the only thing she knew. she didn't even want my mom to marry her grandson because even she loved him, he was still a man.

and i heard this story multiple times so yeah, men can be really disgusting. this thought kinda becomes integrated in you when you're born as a female.

Spoiler: tw²

also i am the descendant of a r@pist????? ew????? i would like to rip my skin off.

i remember being really angry that i was born as a girl at around 14 and hated being associated with femininity lol but i grew out of it. i remember i would get mad at my friend because he said sometimes he wished he was born as a girl but i understand it now. i love being female, it's awesome, i just wish i could be perceived in a more androgynous way so i hate my chest </3. sometimes i wish i could take a bit of a part in the masculine world too but without changing my body (except my chest). i'm still confused about those feelings though lol idk if what i feel is actually gender dysphoria.
anyway, thankfully i know a lot of really nice men. i just feel more comfortable around girls because they can relate to the female experience more. :3

 

[blackorchid]

since I was 6 years old.

sending a hug to everyone

 

[theanonymousssly]

This is a fantastic question I don't have an answer to.

I consider myself a misandrist, but I don't know when my hatred for (most, not all) men started. I remember my dad being scary when he was angry. My brother too, but rarely, since we were close in age I wasn't scared of him much. My uncle was kinda weird I guess.

I think my intense hatred started at 12-ish, when, ironically, (I know part of it is my fault too) I started talking to men online, sexually and romantically. They were all in their forties. The oldest was 72. They knew my age, and wanted to have sex with me anyway. Thank God I never met them, though I've made plans in the spur of the moment. It was just me hoping I'd get killed.

To this day, I still find the majority of men disgusting, misogynistic creatures who do vile things to women. Ofc, women can and ARE horrible too, and there's female predators out there who I hope rot in hell as well. But this is my experience and I'm scared of men.

I always will be.

 

[buriedinmyhead]

All my bullies growing up were guys, and when I hit middle school, I was dealing with a lot of sexual harassment by some guys in my science class. When I started high school, my JROTC instructor was a major creep, always saying uncomfortable things (he was actually forced to retire early because of the shit he was doing to others). Now as an adult, I'm constantly dealing with catcalling and street harassment. I know it's not all men, I know some very kind men, but it is exhausting constantly having to try and figure out the intentions of every guy I interact with.

 

[allidoiswish]

I think a lot of people misunderstand this topic because they hear it as "all men are bad" when that's not really what's being said. It's more about how a lot of girls are taught directly and indirectly to be careful in ways that stick with you as you grow up.

For me, that showed up more as habits than outright fear, like planning things in advance without really thinking about it. who I'm with, how I'll get home, what time it'll be… Even little things like sitting near other people instead of being alone, keeping my distance in certain situations, or being extra aware if someone is acting even slightly off. I'll notice details like how close someone is standing, the way they're looking at me, or if something just feels weird. It's not always something obvious, but it still affects how I react. It's not something I consciously chose, it's just kind of there.

Once you hit a certain age, it also feels like there's a shift in how you're perceived, and that can be uncomfortable to process. It's like you become more aware of how other people might see you, not just how you see yourself.

Ultimately, this isn't about pointing fingers or creating a divide, it's about shedding light on a very specific, shared intuition. If we could move past the defensiveness and just acknowledge these collective patterns, it would be much easier to have a conversation rooted in genuine understanding rather than a debate.