romanbrown
love conquers
- Feb 13, 2026
- 72
I'm going to type out my roller-coaster experience, hopefully letting others benefit from this. It's quite triggering for me but through God's strength I can write it out. Sorry for awkward English, I've been in isolation and disassociation for a while.
I started getting heavy abuse when I was seven in 2014, I coped by disassociating, and dulling my mind. I started not being in my body and it affected me a lot. As I grew up, I was always seen as the more dirty-minded one, which is natural to say to each other at young ages I guess but when I grew older it grew into grosser things.
After someone very close betrayed me, in late 2021 I was fourteen, my best friend betrayed me in the most humiliating and cruel way, unnecessarily. My friendship group abandoned me and I was yet alone. I think I thought of myself as autistic to pretend that I wasn't human so their treatment to me would be more easier to swallow. My disassociation and self-labelled autism is like safety to me when anyone treats me subhuman in the slightest way.
In 2021 I became very porn-addicted. I became very attracted to paraphilia, masochism and humiliation and was on twitter 24/7 speaking to men way older than me. I started online-dating with adult men. I can't remember if they knew my age but I sure knew theirs and mine.
I was bullied everywhere. I developed PTSD around the town I lived in and I was fearful every moment.
Only until 2023 when I was 16 years old, I went to college (high school/sixth-form) and since my scenery changed so did I. I became happier, finally had not weird guys interested in me and my disassociation lessened. After a few weeks being at college, something triggered my disassociation again and I was disliked by everyone yet again because of my disposition change. I couldn't get the strength to go back to my my normal disposition because I was scared that if I'd go into disassociation again my classmates would be disturbed and confused. It was so unbearable that I had to drop out, for shame and because I feared getting back on the podium of normal humanness only to potentially be humilated later on.
When I was in college, I was very egotistical. When I got home I used to bully my *** a lot, which was probably fuelled by the humiliation d betrayal she had done to my life pre-college
After dropping out of college, I spent a lot of time in fields but I was alone for the most part. From late 2024 to early 2025 I was roaming about, doing nothing. I was 16-17 years old during this time. I stopped with my paraphillic desires in February 2025. In March 2025 I tried to escape my house through a charity but since I was a minor they had to get the government involved ( children's social services). The charity arranged me to stay with a middle-aged woman's house for a week which was lovely (thank you!), though after that week my children's social worker declared me to go back since she deemed my living situation safe and basically not abusive. Since I was terrible at articulation, I failed. The charity said that I should come back to them at 18 since they can't do much when social services says no. I went back to the abusive house and stayed there a few more months until July 2025, that is, my birthday.
I was bullied everywhere. I developed PTSD around the town I lived in and I was fearful every moment.
Each year gained in girlhood was numb, I was very very numb. I started building a persona that everyone expected of me, just to be liked. E.g., from 12-16 years old, this looked like being the nonchalant and funny one in the friend group; from 16-18years old, this looked like being a very materialistic trend-obbsessed girl. I was desperated to be liked, or accepted or wanted, never tapping into how I actually felt (and when I did it was a pityful thing).
In early 2025, I became very nationalist and racist as a false puffer for my overwhelmingly low ego. I had nothing redeeming about myself other than my financial privilege in childhood, and I talked about certain people very hatefully. This dwindled down when I had some revelations in late 2025 which challenged my thinking.
My 18th birthday! My birthday was in July 2025. After turning 18, I returned to the charity and they unfortunately housed me in an accommodation for homeless people and drug addicts. It was traumatising. I came from a suburban/country background, suddenly thrown into a poorer area so it was more shocking to me. I had never witnessed anything like this before. I witnessed: two stabbings; a 29 year old drunkard scream at me; blood sprayed on the hallway; verbal abuse; drug abuse; immense sexism; immense racism. It was like hell, I was more shocked that such an underworld existed all this time. I was disassociating like crazy and even right now typing all of it is making me breath shallowly but I must remind myself that I'm safe now and no one can harm me.
I grew crazy in there: I started watching gore, I had homicidal thoughts, suicidal thoughts, fear on every side. Only by God I survived it. Each time I set my noose up, someone would intervene the MOMENT I was about to do it. Thank God.
I always get scared that someone will bring that side out of me or trigger it. It petrifies me. I just pray that God won't allow such evil to happen.
Whilst I was at the accomodation, I just held onto my faith. 70% was me holding on to faith and 30% was me falling into my old habits (disassociation, paraphilia)
I was very lonely since I had zero friends: I watched gore, was on discord (which is a very racist and sexist and socially inept and odd community, from my experience), went back to porn, became extreme in ideas, surely did experience psychosis, learned certain habits.
I had a really aggravating roommate in this acommodation- let's call her Julia. Julia was aggressive but she was considerate of others but she was a bit confusing so I kept away. She was verbally abusive to me and it got to a point where I had enough. She was triggering how I felt living with other abusers to the point of suicide and numbness. I did something to her whcih caused me to be evicted from the homeless accomodation.
But alas, the eviction worked in my favour. In early 2026, I was transferred to a homely facility for young people with mental health problems. I now have people around me that care and feed me, and people who want to help me and are all psychologically aware-- a therapist on site, a weekly psychologist too. It's got a nice balance of strictness and relaxation. The room is better too. I'm planning on getting stuff for my room. And I also found out that I have arrears being paid to me, which could set me up for the life that I always wanted. So although it sounds like a somewhat happy ending, I'm still eighteen, turning nineteen soon and I've got my life ahead of me. I've literally got no one but God, and I believe that God saw all the evil that happened to me, took pity on my own evil I inflicted and heard all my prayers. I love God so much and please, if you're agnostic or whatever just pray to Him. Just pray. Just. Pray. He can do anything if you just believe in Jesus. Give your life to Him and make Him your purpose and He will save you. Seek first the Kingdom of God and everything else will come. I was very perverted, masochistic and suicidal when I was younger and I still go back to those things very occasionally as a coping mechanism but I believe by God I will put it behind for good one day and will be a normal human, if not a righteous human.
My one piece of advice for those who are in abusive homes and can't leave: TRY TO LEAVE. YOU WILL NEVER FEEL 100% IF YOU STAY. If you could move country, even better. There's a bunch of charities, and help from the government. try to find out how to leave. Spend a week away from home and you'll see how much you want out. Getting a job is secondary, you can move into your friend's or a hostel or something and then try finding work. You can apply on WWOOF to get out of the house for a month or more. Most people use uni to escape but I'm living proof that uni isn't necessary to leave. Whatever your plans are, they're attainable if you just believe in God and commit all your ways to Him, and take faith. He won't forsake you, even if it looks like it BE PATIENT and cry out to Him. He will never leave the righteous. He will never leave those who trust in them. I literally survived this only by God; right now I have no family or friends whatsoever and God has blessed me and I haven't deserved it. I want to cry but I feel numb right now and that's okay because God made my psychology and so He knows my condition-- whatever it may be. God gives the lonely a family (Psalm 68:6) and we ought to trust in God. Trust me, please I beg you.
I want to pray for those on this site, and I really thank everyone for interacting with me. I'm going to delete my account and throw my rope away. I do not feel 100% right now and I do not feel 100% certain I'll be OK right now, but I do have belief that God has plans for my good not for my badness. I forgive everyone and I always try to say sorry. I've been faithful to God and just looking back from where I was before... wow.
bye guys
I started getting heavy abuse when I was seven in 2014, I coped by disassociating, and dulling my mind. I started not being in my body and it affected me a lot. As I grew up, I was always seen as the more dirty-minded one, which is natural to say to each other at young ages I guess but when I grew older it grew into grosser things.
After someone very close betrayed me, in late 2021 I was fourteen, my best friend betrayed me in the most humiliating and cruel way, unnecessarily. My friendship group abandoned me and I was yet alone. I think I thought of myself as autistic to pretend that I wasn't human so their treatment to me would be more easier to swallow. My disassociation and self-labelled autism is like safety to me when anyone treats me subhuman in the slightest way.
In 2021 I became very porn-addicted. I became very attracted to paraphilia, masochism and humiliation and was on twitter 24/7 speaking to men way older than me. I started online-dating with adult men. I can't remember if they knew my age but I sure knew theirs and mine.
I was bullied everywhere. I developed PTSD around the town I lived in and I was fearful every moment.
Only until 2023 when I was 16 years old, I went to college (high school/sixth-form) and since my scenery changed so did I. I became happier, finally had not weird guys interested in me and my disassociation lessened. After a few weeks being at college, something triggered my disassociation again and I was disliked by everyone yet again because of my disposition change. I couldn't get the strength to go back to my my normal disposition because I was scared that if I'd go into disassociation again my classmates would be disturbed and confused. It was so unbearable that I had to drop out, for shame and because I feared getting back on the podium of normal humanness only to potentially be humilated later on.
When I was in college, I was very egotistical. When I got home I used to bully my *** a lot, which was probably fuelled by the humiliation d betrayal she had done to my life pre-college
After dropping out of college, I spent a lot of time in fields but I was alone for the most part. From late 2024 to early 2025 I was roaming about, doing nothing. I was 16-17 years old during this time. I stopped with my paraphillic desires in February 2025. In March 2025 I tried to escape my house through a charity but since I was a minor they had to get the government involved ( children's social services). The charity arranged me to stay with a middle-aged woman's house for a week which was lovely (thank you!), though after that week my children's social worker declared me to go back since she deemed my living situation safe and basically not abusive. Since I was terrible at articulation, I failed. The charity said that I should come back to them at 18 since they can't do much when social services says no. I went back to the abusive house and stayed there a few more months until July 2025, that is, my birthday.
I was bullied everywhere. I developed PTSD around the town I lived in and I was fearful every moment.
Each year gained in girlhood was numb, I was very very numb. I started building a persona that everyone expected of me, just to be liked. E.g., from 12-16 years old, this looked like being the nonchalant and funny one in the friend group; from 16-18years old, this looked like being a very materialistic trend-obbsessed girl. I was desperated to be liked, or accepted or wanted, never tapping into how I actually felt (and when I did it was a pityful thing).
In early 2025, I became very nationalist and racist as a false puffer for my overwhelmingly low ego. I had nothing redeeming about myself other than my financial privilege in childhood, and I talked about certain people very hatefully. This dwindled down when I had some revelations in late 2025 which challenged my thinking.
My 18th birthday! My birthday was in July 2025. After turning 18, I returned to the charity and they unfortunately housed me in an accommodation for homeless people and drug addicts. It was traumatising. I came from a suburban/country background, suddenly thrown into a poorer area so it was more shocking to me. I had never witnessed anything like this before. I witnessed: two stabbings; a 29 year old drunkard scream at me; blood sprayed on the hallway; verbal abuse; drug abuse; immense sexism; immense racism. It was like hell, I was more shocked that such an underworld existed all this time. I was disassociating like crazy and even right now typing all of it is making me breath shallowly but I must remind myself that I'm safe now and no one can harm me.
I grew crazy in there: I started watching gore, I had homicidal thoughts, suicidal thoughts, fear on every side. Only by God I survived it. Each time I set my noose up, someone would intervene the MOMENT I was about to do it. Thank God.
I always get scared that someone will bring that side out of me or trigger it. It petrifies me. I just pray that God won't allow such evil to happen.
Whilst I was at the accomodation, I just held onto my faith. 70% was me holding on to faith and 30% was me falling into my old habits (disassociation, paraphilia)
I was very lonely since I had zero friends: I watched gore, was on discord (which is a very racist and sexist and socially inept and odd community, from my experience), went back to porn, became extreme in ideas, surely did experience psychosis, learned certain habits.
I had a really aggravating roommate in this acommodation- let's call her Julia. Julia was aggressive but she was considerate of others but she was a bit confusing so I kept away. She was verbally abusive to me and it got to a point where I had enough. She was triggering how I felt living with other abusers to the point of suicide and numbness. I did something to her whcih caused me to be evicted from the homeless accomodation.
But alas, the eviction worked in my favour. In early 2026, I was transferred to a homely facility for young people with mental health problems. I now have people around me that care and feed me, and people who want to help me and are all psychologically aware-- a therapist on site, a weekly psychologist too. It's got a nice balance of strictness and relaxation. The room is better too. I'm planning on getting stuff for my room. And I also found out that I have arrears being paid to me, which could set me up for the life that I always wanted. So although it sounds like a somewhat happy ending, I'm still eighteen, turning nineteen soon and I've got my life ahead of me. I've literally got no one but God, and I believe that God saw all the evil that happened to me, took pity on my own evil I inflicted and heard all my prayers. I love God so much and please, if you're agnostic or whatever just pray to Him. Just pray. Just. Pray. He can do anything if you just believe in Jesus. Give your life to Him and make Him your purpose and He will save you. Seek first the Kingdom of God and everything else will come. I was very perverted, masochistic and suicidal when I was younger and I still go back to those things very occasionally as a coping mechanism but I believe by God I will put it behind for good one day and will be a normal human, if not a righteous human.
My one piece of advice for those who are in abusive homes and can't leave: TRY TO LEAVE. YOU WILL NEVER FEEL 100% IF YOU STAY. If you could move country, even better. There's a bunch of charities, and help from the government. try to find out how to leave. Spend a week away from home and you'll see how much you want out. Getting a job is secondary, you can move into your friend's or a hostel or something and then try finding work. You can apply on WWOOF to get out of the house for a month or more. Most people use uni to escape but I'm living proof that uni isn't necessary to leave. Whatever your plans are, they're attainable if you just believe in God and commit all your ways to Him, and take faith. He won't forsake you, even if it looks like it BE PATIENT and cry out to Him. He will never leave the righteous. He will never leave those who trust in them. I literally survived this only by God; right now I have no family or friends whatsoever and God has blessed me and I haven't deserved it. I want to cry but I feel numb right now and that's okay because God made my psychology and so He knows my condition-- whatever it may be. God gives the lonely a family (Psalm 68:6) and we ought to trust in God. Trust me, please I beg you.
I want to pray for those on this site, and I really thank everyone for interacting with me. I'm going to delete my account and throw my rope away. I do not feel 100% right now and I do not feel 100% certain I'll be OK right now, but I do have belief that God has plans for my good not for my badness. I forgive everyone and I always try to say sorry. I've been faithful to God and just looking back from where I was before... wow.
and
bye guys
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