DecayingGirl
Member
- Apr 2, 2023
- 7
Ugh i feel awful right now. I am sober since yesterday and the withdrawals are already intense, i mean what do i expect when i use everyday...
I owe my dealer so much money so i can't get anymore until i get paid, i'll have pretty much no money left tho after paying him everything back and getting more. I know addiction is a lot more complex than this but i can't help but feel stupid and pathetic, like why am i doing this to myself? if that makes sense. All of the scares i've had with my heart and other things, the deterioration of my nose and the rest of my body, the pain...yet none of it seems to be enough for me to want to stop? you would think that after everything i'd want to stop but apparently not, i take so many painkillers everyday that my parents now think im addicted to them too but i told them i'm not, it's simply because of how much pain i'm in from using, it's funny tho how i can lay writhing around in pain and crying from using and i'll swear up and down i'm going to stop using, but as soon as the pain goes and things feel better i'm using again...and no matter how badly i realise i need help and this is worse than i thought, the very concept of stopping sends my body into panic, i hate it. Yet now i'm sitting here going thru withdrawals all i want to do is ctb now, i dont want to go thru this but i don't want to rush stuff just because of withdrawals, i know they can effect me mentally just as much as physically but i really dont want to rush ctb as i have more things i need to plan and get out of the way. I don't know the point of writing this i guess i just need an outlet or maybe to see if anybody else understands...i dont know.
I owe my dealer so much money so i can't get anymore until i get paid, i'll have pretty much no money left tho after paying him everything back and getting more. I know addiction is a lot more complex than this but i can't help but feel stupid and pathetic, like why am i doing this to myself? if that makes sense. All of the scares i've had with my heart and other things, the deterioration of my nose and the rest of my body, the pain...yet none of it seems to be enough for me to want to stop? you would think that after everything i'd want to stop but apparently not, i take so many painkillers everyday that my parents now think im addicted to them too but i told them i'm not, it's simply because of how much pain i'm in from using, it's funny tho how i can lay writhing around in pain and crying from using and i'll swear up and down i'm going to stop using, but as soon as the pain goes and things feel better i'm using again...and no matter how badly i realise i need help and this is worse than i thought, the very concept of stopping sends my body into panic, i hate it. Yet now i'm sitting here going thru withdrawals all i want to do is ctb now, i dont want to go thru this but i don't want to rush stuff just because of withdrawals, i know they can effect me mentally just as much as physically but i really dont want to rush ctb as i have more things i need to plan and get out of the way. I don't know the point of writing this i guess i just need an outlet or maybe to see if anybody else understands...i dont know.
