Wish we had CTB when she discarded us.

[_Broken_alice]

Our life was never good before her... We spent nearly 6 years together, married for half of it with only a month worth of time apart in that entire time. Our relationship was often described as "relationship goals" before our depression took over again.
And then in the span of a week, she decided to discard us like trash right as we were feeling like US for the first time in our near 30 miserable years in this society we don't fit into. Right when we were finally mentally capable of trying to improve our situation. Right when we felt alive for the first time in 28 years.
We will never see the woman we loved so much again. We will never get the comfort of her presence again. Now all of the good memories hurt so much worse than a lifetime of bad ones. So much more than all the abuse we grew up with. So much more than always being a burden on whoever would take care of us growing up.

She came home and slept in the same fucking bed like nothing was seriously wrong, then told us the next morning she wanted a divorce and there was nothing that could be done to resolve things. A week from her trying to find us a collar we liked, to being discarded like spoiled food. She made it a point she won't even allow any communication. All of our mutual friends left us on our own, right after we went out of our way to start making amends for not being the greatest person before.The same woman we dedicated ourselves to for years. The same woman we pleased sexually any time she wanted it even though it caused us unbearable mental pain to the point we always had to disassociate to get through it. But we did it, for her. The same woman we pulled from the brink of suicide herself after she lost everyone close to her in the span of a month. The same woman who had talked many times about a pact between us. The same woman who used to have really bad PTSD attacks and in her words "We were the only person able to pull her out of them." The same person who could not sleep if were not in bed with her to comfort her. The same woman who was starving herself when we chose to go from friends to "more". In the span of a week, we went from working on long term plans together, to being discarded like trash and broken mentally beyond repair.
We will never see our precious kitty who was a daughter to us again. The kitty we mutually bonded with at the shelter when we got her. The kitty that instantly curled up in our arms for an hour while she filled out the adoption paperwork. The kitty that waited for us every night at 3am for us to get up, get water, and give her the love and attention she deserved. We will never get to hear her soothing purrs or her adorable mews again. We will never get to see the look of excitement when we came out for water or when we gave up on trying to sleep.

We wish we could have done it when those emotions were high but didn't. We certainly had the means to. We had no SI then, unlike now. Even as she destroyed us and discarded us, we still cared enough about her to not put that on her conscious because we still wanted her to be happy, even if that was without us.
We regret ever having hope even briefly after her. We regret ever opening up to anyone again after her. Now we just have more people we will hurt. The few people we mistakenly let get to know us after our transition.. Our sisters. Our chosen mom. Our partners we can't physically be with. Just more people to hurt when we put and end to our own suffering and misery.

And we got a rejection letter for our disability appeal. As if our life wasn't miserable enough. We spend every day in so much pain we can't think or do things we WANT to do. Years of skipping on plans because we hurt so much. Even when the pain is at it's low points, we can't get anything done because of our mental issues and mental health. But the gov't says we are able to work and rejected our appeal and gave us a death sentence in doing so.
Our finances from the bit of money she left us are barely enough to last another 5 months. We will not become homeless just so we can die slowly of exposure, or be a victim of violent crime for being an open trans-woman in our birth state which is very red with the older population stuck in the 70's. The cops here would celebrate a trans woman being raped, murdered, or worse. After all, we are just a sick imposter to them. They probably wouldn't even investigate.
Why did we ever let ourselves have hope? Now we don't even know who we are anymore.
This is torture.

 

[ADeadBunny]

I'm so sorry that you're in this much pain. My heart breaks for you. I wish there were something more than words that I could offer.

You aren't alone in your suffering. You along with all of us here have been tortured to the point of breaking. Some heal, some don't. I don't know what is best for you, where you should go or what you should do. I will cry with you, until it's time for me to leave this place though. This world can be torture and death can be a pleasure. In both, I think, you'll always find a friend.

I'm so sorry the world has been cruel to you. I hope you find peace, friend.

 

[user56765567]

It sucks what you have been going through, I've heard that some people try getting a ssdi lawyer to help fight in the appeal process.

 

[_Broken_alice]

It sucks what you have been going through, I've heard that some people try getting a ssdi lawyer to help fight in the appeal process.

Have one :( Now to fight our anxiety and call them either later or Tuesday to discuss options. SS already doesn't take us seriously because of our age, especially at the time of the injury. They didn't even try before they rejected the first time. They literally said the injury did not occur before xx/xx/xxxx when the paperwork they supposedly reviewed showed that it did. This time it is "not injured enough to prevent work..." We type as we sit curled up in our chair almost in tears and disassociating from all of the pain even medicated as best we legally can. Most frustrating thing, is KNOWING with a few changes in our life, we could maybe do ok in time. We don't know if we are capable of happiness, but not misery would be welcome for a while. We almost felt like we could do ok earlier this year before we fully broke... Knowing that just makes it so much worse. One of our alters tried her best to bury our pain but it broke her in the end. We didn't even know we were a system before that.

 

[user56765567]

Have one :( Now to fight our anxiety and call them either later or Tuesday to discuss options. SS already doesn't take us seriously because of our age, especially at the time of the injury. They didn't even try before they rejected the first time. They literally said the injury did not occur before xx/xx/xxxx when the paperwork they supposedly reviewed showed that it did. This time it is "not injured enough to prevent work..." We type as we sit curled up in our chair almost in tears and disassociating from all of the pain even medicated as best we legally can. Most frustrating thing, is KNOWING with a few changes in our life, we could maybe do ok in time. We don't know if we are capable of happiness, but not misery would be welcome for a while. We almost felt like we could do ok earlier this year before we fully broke... Knowing that just makes it so much worse. One of our alters tried her best to bury our pain but it broke her in the end. We didn't even know we were a system before that.

It sucks that SS has been so hard to work/deal with, idk why these places have to be so difficult to work through, have all these hoops to jump through, and can be so inefficient at times. My heart goes out to you.