Will you read my suicide letter?

[fayth2567]

HI,
If you guys wouldnt mind reading my suicide letter to see if I missed anything and that it is okay. Its kinda of a long read if you managed to get to the bottom I'd greatly appreciate it.

Dear family,

By the time you are reading this letter, I have taken my own life. I am sure you have a lot of questions. I'll do my best to explain. The reasons are all related to my mental health. I have been hospitalized and sought help when I was suicidal the last three times. With that being said I hope this doesn't come as a complete shock. I just haven't been simply doing well the last few years and my mental health has continued to deteriorate to a point where I simply don't want to be alive anymore.
It was back in 2011 when I came out of my two-year depression, I first began to notice suicidal thoughts and told my then UW therapist about it. In hindsight, this was the most serious sign that I had a mental illness. The suicidal ideation has since then become monstrous in terms of frequency and strength. This is the main reason why I committed suicide. The mental anguish of having suicidal thoughts has become impossible for me to manage. I cannot imagine anything more painful and worse way to live. About twelve years have passed, and what began as thoughts that would occur monthly or once in a while, has evolved from weekly to daily, to hourly. My bipolar has appeared to have gotten worse with age.
My doctors and therapist cannot help me. If you are reading this, it means I continued to seek treatment up until my final weeks. I decided to hold out for hope in my final weeks despite having lost all hope for a better quality of life. My doctors are update-to-date with my status and know my specific struggle with suicidal thoughts. I do not blame my doctors or therapists. I believe they did the best they could and ultimately it wasn't just me that failed. I have seen about 7 doctors and 7 therapists. At a certain point, I had to realize that I was broken and couldn't be fixed. I just don't want anyone to see me struggle anymore. I just simply cannot win against this. I have tried 11 years of drug therapy and quite frankly I just don't have it in me to try anymore. I do not want to struggle for another 13 years. My doctors and I have tried:

1. Antidepressants

1. Mood stabilizers

1. Anti-psychotics

1. Mood stabilizers with anti-psychotics

1. Anti-depressants with mood stabilizers and antipsychotics

The first time I was hospitalized and was first diagnosed with bipolar, I had wished I taken my life that night. Being first diagnosed with bipolar has given me hope that if we knew what was exactly wrong something could be done about it. That we simply knew the problem and come up with a solution. I remember that day vividly, I was in the psych ward and the doctor, told me that I simply had to find the correct combination of medication and that I could live a normal life. He lied. I cannot believe how cruel life can be. To have lost all hope in fighting depression for years only with antidepressants, then to have gained new hope that a new class of drugs would cure the depression, only to have that hope taken away again a few years later. Deep down I think he knew that only a certain percentage of bipolar patients truly recover. A google search for 'what percentage of bipolar patients kill themselves' will yield:

Suicidal behavior is quite frequent among subjects with BD, as up to 4–19% of them ultimately end their life by suicide, while 20–60% of them attempt suicide at least once in their lifetime [2].

I think the doctor knew that and still wanted me to fight regardless. Had I known what percentage I fell in, I probably would have given up sooner.


I am sure there are several questions you would want to ask me. The first is why? It is mostly the suicidal thoughts and the mental pain and depression that come with it. There have been many times when I believed that I would have killed myself on a specific day because the suicidal thoughts have been overwhelming that day. I won't list the methods I thought about taking my life but if there was a way, I probably have thought about it. This way instead of leaving spontaneity I plan things out and leave some closure. Initially, I just wanted to go without leaving a note.
What if we had gotten you more help? If about a dozen or so medical professionals cannot help me, I am not sure what other help there is. The last time I went to the emergency room they did not help at all with my suicidal thoughts they offered to admit me to a mental asylum or go home. The emergency room is not suited to treat the mentally ill with suicidal thoughts. They just hold you there until the feeling passes. Nothing else, they are absolutely unless. Maybe the suicide hotline? The last time I called they were busy and I had to be placed on hold till someone could get to me. Besides, I talk to my therapist about my suicidal thoughts all the time. What if I called you that day? It would have broken my heart and I would have chosen another day somewhere down the line. What if we admitted you to a mental asylum? I would rather be dead than be admitted to an asylum. I don't want to die I don't want to be living a life when constantly suffering from a mental illness. Suicide is the only way I know to end my suffering. Putting me in an asylum would take that away and jail me for the rest of my life. The rest of my life was spent suffering needlessly without a cure.

But you have gotten better? Yes, for a while on Latuda my depression lifted only to come back later down the road. I consider my depression to be in two stages. The first is the more obvious signs of depression. Sadness and sorrow, constantly crying, and not being able to leave the house. The second stage I see as suicidal ideation and anhedonia. Anhedonia is the other reason why I committed suicide. Anhedonia is pretty much the inability to enjoy life. It's already bad having suicidal thoughts but not being able to enjoy life is also crippling. The things I used to enjoy I don't enjoy anymore. I don't even enjoy food or video games like I used to. Every day is just filled with suffering. The other reason why I decided to take my own life is my anxiety disorder. It seems pretty random but I get overwhelmed with the anxiety of school and whether or not I can find a job or not after I graduate. Driving is a huge anxiety for me, I always imagine getting into a car accident. It gets so bad I even get anxious about putting dishes away at work. Being anxiously depressed is also extremely difficult to manage. With bipolar, suicidal ideation, anhedonia, and anxiety, I never stood a chance. It makes it so I don't want to live anymore. No one will understand what it is like to be inside my head. My fight was one that was never going to be won.
Why didn't you talk to us about this? I was always seeing a therapist for years about this. Not to be mean but most of you guys aren't qualified medical professionals suited to handle someone who is suicidal. Besides, I don't want you guys to worry any more than you already have. As of now I am crying writing this letter and it breaks my heart. I told my former co-worker that my depression has been bad recently. And she said, "I am here whenever you need me, anytime I am always here". It broke my heart to know that. I can't imagine having the same conservation with family. I love you all. That conservation would have broken my soul. A letter is the easier of the two. What if I...?. Don't do that to yourself. Anything that could have been done has already been tried.

I hope you find peace in knowing that I am no longer in pain. This isn't anyone's fault. I have been sick for a while now and I need to go. I am sorry for the pain that this causes. Please forgive me, I just can't do this anymore. Love you all very much but can't live like this anymore and I am so sorry. This isn't how I wanted my life to end. So, this is goodbye. Love you much, goodbye.

 

[Rounded Agony]

I read it all. Heartbreaking. Nothing seems out of place or lacking in particular to me. Sorry about this life...

 

[fayth2567]

I read it all. Heartbreaking. Nothing seems out of place or lacking in particular to me. Sorry about this life...

thank you.

 

[annique]

thank you for sharing such a personal thing of yours with us... your writing gave me some insights as to what I should consider putting on my note if i ever decide to write a definite suicide note

i also like how you put on some rational stuff in there alongside the emotional stuff

i'm sorry that this world has led us to opt out.. all i hope for is a peaceful passing for all of us and perhaps a decent amount of understanding from our loved-ones as to why we chose to do such a thing.

peace

 

[fayth2567]

thank you for sharing such a personal thing of yours with us... your writing gave me some insights as to what I should consider putting on my note if i ever decide to write a definite suicide note

i also like how you put on some rational stuff in there alongside the emotional stuff

i'm sorry that this world has led us to opt out.. all i hope for is a peaceful passing for all of us and perhaps a decent amount of understanding from our loved-ones as to why we chose to do such a thing.

peace

thanks for reading!

 

[FuneralCry]

Your suicide letter is very well written. I'm sure it will give those left behind some form of understanding as to how much suffering that you endured in life. It certainly is such a cruel and painful existence and your wish to be free from all the torment is understandable. I hope that you find what you wish for.

 

[almaranthine]

this was a very well written note. I especially liked the line, "what if I...? Don't do that to yourself." so true, in their sadness and grief, people will come up with all sort of hypotheticals that they think could have helped, and blame themselves. I don't want anyone close to me to do that either.

 

[Caustic]

This was very very beautiful. I am sorry life has pushed you to this point. Hope you find peace

 

[OldSkater]

I read your letter. I think it is better to leave something than nothing. A mother, father, dear friend or lover will search every shred of what is left behind looking for a clue, some scrap of info as to why, etc. I know I would. I think the letter is better than nothing. Though nothing even a complete letter will ever answer all the questions or soothe the guilt and regret felt by those who ultimately feel responsible no matter what you say in that letter. I would probably, if it were me, rather than one general letter, leave specific letters for each of those who will blame themselves, and ache for me till their own time on earth ends. Mainly that would be mothers. I think. Now mine is passed, as is my ony sister, father, and my only auntie. I am the oldest member of my family. only my children and partner would really grieve for me. but if my child was to leave on purpose, i already know that i would always blame myself, for all the myriad of mistakes i made and the hell i exposed them to in my poor choice of father for them, the ways i fell to my own depression and failed to be strong for them. The fights they heard, the abuse they witnessed, just all the ways i didn't provide them a calm safe home to grow up in. The abuse at school by asshole kids, and ignorant treatment by dumbass teachers who really didn't care. The bad luck of life, and all the unknowns that misaligned to create the mental hell that so many live in every day, year after year until this forum is where solace of some kind is found with like souls. Is your letter good enough? No, it cannot be by the desire to lessen the blow to the ones who feel the loss to their core. But nothing can do that. So, say what you desire to each one whom you feel needs to hear it. that's all you can do, unless you choose to try one more medication, one more therapist, read one more book, or reach out to one more suicide prevention forum where those who have somehow pulled themselves from the depths to actually feel that joy again offer advice. I don't know, my heart aches to heal you, as myself, as my child. The hardest part of life is accepting my human existence, i still cant believe so many i love are gone. I send you a long warm virtual hug. It is all i have to offer.