I've thought about this before previously and the one person I cared for, I wrote an email and had it scheduled but then before my previous failed ctb attempt I've changed my mind and didn't do it. If I look back that was a good thing, I think.
I remember while and after my recovery from the failed attempt, even while I was in the hospital almost dying, they were still blaming others. After recovery a few times when some people did that infront of me, I tried telling them in a subtle way, have you considered looking at the mirror or that it was my choice and its okay to choose to not to live but then no one would listen. I was told things such as, "what would god think", "what would other people think", "I bought shame on them", "I'm selfish", "I'm not in my right mind and that I wasn't thinking clearly" and much more. That's so degrading and humiliating. I tried to open up but no one would listen. Only person who bothered to listen a little without throwing too much shit at me said the same thing, "there's so much to live for ...... ". But what if I just don't want to continue, what is so wrong with that? But its okay I'll find peace someday soon enough hopefully.
Whole idea of apologizing ... I think the idea comes from multiple things. The whole idea or act of one choosing to leave by ones own choice is considered "taboo" or worse and sometimes even punishable in some places. Its so taboo that most of who chooses to do it are scared of talking or sharing to their loved ones. Then I think isn't love unconditional. Call me a optimistic or a dreamer, that's what I think love is or should be. If someone truly loves someone else, then they should respect the other persons choice over the social norms or brainwashing where this whole act is considered taboo. All the person wants is to be at peace and somehow that is bad to the point that the so called loved ones would institutionalize them or put them through physical and mental abuse, force them into a "living death" condition. I find it sad and maybe I'm dumb but I don't know how that can be a form of love. The idea that one has to apologize for choosing peace is something I don't quite understand. I've thought about how the other person or persons might feel but if they truly love and care, I think the persons choice to find peace should be accepted.
I've seen this person who probably tried to ctb and their parents brought them to the hospital. The disgust in their eyes and how they were behaving, I found it really sad. Same parents who loves and cares turns to feeling disgusted and shaming when that person only wanted to find peace. I was thinking how about saying we love you and stop with the shit they were doing for a second, the person is almost gone and all they were doing is throwing more shit. I don't want that form of love, if it can be called love. If it were me, I'd feel bad that I wasn't good enough that they couldn't come to me for their troubles or if they managed to do it, I'd try to take solace thinking that maybe they found peace. Recently I've heard some monk person saying something like, "blah blah blah.... never give up" (not to be rude but I don't want to write down the whole sentence). Why is it even considered giving up. If living can be a choice, so can the other way around be a choice and it doesn't have to be labeled "giving up", Both can be acceptable choices and there should be no shame or good or bad in either choices. But then there are many different circumstances and the world we live in is a whole different one so I guess sometimes apologies has to be made. Don't mind me, it's just my opinion.
