Will tonight be the night?

[tilly17]

I just finally opened my SN and found little 1 oz containers I've measured out 3 25 g containers, got Tagamet, metocloprimade, temazepam, liquid lorazepam, some opioids, and 400mg propanolol ready to go for tonight. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this and trying to figure out if I really have the guts to go through with it or not. Life's only going to get worse, but I'm having such a hard time leaving my sisters twins who are the miracle babies in our family as I can't have kids.. and they are my world. They are only 4 1/2 and they love me so much they tell their mom she's just a babysitting them and I'm their mama (such teases)love it but it's killing me inside to leave them and not see all their firsts and be there to watch them leave to ride their new bikes and just everything. Leaving my dear mother brother and sister is going to be the worst! They truly are the what and I hate myself for doing this to them ( especially as my bro in law fights to live after his 4th transplant (2 kidneys 2 pancreas due to diabetes he gut after he ate all his Halloween candy in one night at age 10).
Anyhow, my struggle is still when I should take the propanolol. The most recent PPH April 2022 still includes it and I figure I've got it so why not try it. Question is when as if it takes an hour to peak then I want it to work quicker but not so quick that I give the SN enough time to absorb in my gut ! Many of us have read an hour before to drinking with the SN. I'm wondering WHEN I really should take it. I want to be as comfortable as I can be … especially as I just know myself that I'm gonna throw up so I've got 3 dosages Prepared. Gonna take a bunch of temezapam 15 minutes before out of capsules so I hopefully dose off before too long and will be more comfortable.
So everyone can you help me decide when you each think it's best with your knowledge when is the best time to take the propanolol? (It's all crushed so it'll digest faster … )

 

[jodes2]

I'd take the propranolol an hour before SN to make sure it kicks in properly. Yeah leaving people behind is tough, I can't do it to my gf if we're still together. How come life is just going to get worse for you? Sorry you're suffering

 

[TydalWave]

Damn... I feel that way to my core as well. I have nieces and nephews in that same age group. It's always the last lingering thing on my mind whenever I get into the mindset you are in.

I really respect that. I am completely pro-choice and don't know your situation so I can't tell you what to do. I would say if your even remotely not sure, then it's always okay to wait because this is the last decision you will ever make so you should be 100% in it.

If you do decide to go through with it, I am really glad you are so prepared with everything you need to make your experience as pleasant and succesfull as possible. You have clearly thought this through and prepared for this as well as you can. I wish you only love whatever you choose--and feel free to reach out if you need anything.

 

[wanttodie]

good luck

 

[Outandproud]

Best luck in whatever u do

 

[Wannagonow]

Have a peaceful journey

 

[reverse03]

May you find peace

 

[time2fly]

Best wishes to you. Plan on joining tomorrow night.

 

[tilly17]

Long story, no one knows what really happened to my brain but i was put on Cymbalta by my Neuro for migraines (horrible drug by the way, some people literally have to come Off it counting beads inside taking away only one bead in a week or two) taking up to 6 years to come off of it. Anyhow ended up with serotonin syndrome and retracted withdrawal syndrome and somehow it's all just fried my brain . I can only sleep 2 hours a night )if I'm lucky )with taking 60mg temazepam , It's like I've had a stroke cut mri shows nothing. All my hair fell out, eating foods caused my body to have actual electrical shocks throughout my legs that felt like I was being electrocuted so the only thing I could eat was cream of wheat and white bread/toast and I lives only on that for a 3 months till I dropped 100 lbs on 3 months, and was forced to be put on a feeding tube for 5 months ( it came out 4 times and I had to get it replaced while awake). I have no appetite and force to eat one meal a day to avoid getting a tube out back in as they'll put in the stomach peg port next time instead of going through the nose, as my tube kept coming out and had to have it running 24/7. I still have constant electric ️ zaps all Over my body all The time, my back temperature is between 104-106 and yet my normal temp is 97.1-98, I woke up completely paralyzed back in March only I could feel everything-I just couldn't move for 3 days.. was taken by ambulance and had to be brought back home by firefighters on a stretcher cuz my mom refused to send me
To a rehab facility. I eventually was able to move again, I didn't have a stroke but my brain races all over the place without any focus now, I can't taste or smell anything (never have tested positive for COVID) just a bunch of weird neurological symptoms, my memory is getting worse by the day they say because I'm not able to get my brain into REM sleep. I've seen several sleep clinics and nothing is working …. Every minute feels like am eternity . Getting through each day is torture as I seriously feel like it's been 10-12 hours in one hour -my brain cannot cope with time. And I can't maintain focus to connect to watch even a half hour tv show. Time is painful for me. All the neuros can't find anything they can see wrong and tests show nothing wrong… so they want me to see psych's thinking talk therapy will help! I can barely get out of bed and at this point can barley get myself in the shower…
The weirdest and hardest part is that my
Body has stopped metabolizing and utilizing most medications. My pain pills stopped working not die to tolerance build up, sleep meds, antihistamines, anti-emetics, ibuprofen-benzodiazepines and they had to use 3 times propofol to knock me out for a 3 hour MRI scan cuz o couldn't hold still for that long & they couldn't get me to go out.
So over the past 20+ months it's been sheer hell and it's not getting any better and don't see how my brain will ever heal from this. I had a brain tumor removed on my pineal gland in 2014, and the hardware removed from my skull in 2019 to see if that's was causing my migraines that I'd get on Oct and have the same excruciating migraine last through till April/May then it'd go Away.
Anyhow July 2020 I just stopped beating able to sleep went into serotonin syndrome and the Cymbalta just fried my brain. That's the short version of some of what I've dealt with. I've had 40 surgeries mostly due to my large intestine not working Right so I had it removed when I was 22 and had constant ovarian cysts grow as big grapefruits never resolve and during a surgery they severed a major nerve in my pelvis which left me with chronic severe pain that I couldn't sit for more than 5 minutes without crying . I had a spinal pain pump Put in 2008 and it gave me my life back until my body just stopped responding to a medication.
So you can imagine that I'm Scared shitless to try SN which is my only way to ctb … as to whether or not this is going to work for me. My body barely responds to opiates now ..
I'm just too miserable to go on or I could never do this to my family.
As the night draws closer I'm freaking out whether or not I can do this, but I am so so crazy miserable. I just wish I'd have more time with my family especially the twins. My upcoming Dr apt is what's pushing me to end things before Wednesday as my family literally drags me to these apts in a wheelchair. She's got a whole bunch of things she wants me doing and I just can't. No one can imagine how it feels to go 20 months now with only 2 hours of sleep on a good night .. I've been awake for 3 days straight at times amd can never ever take a nap and when I do sleep I never feel rested. I feel worse than when I had mono and Epstein Barr Anyhow that's my story (and thats
The short version)
(*never take Cymbalta-more people commit suicide because of it. Even one of the company's own executives hung herself in the presidents office of LIBBY drug company to show them how hard it was for her to get off of and the damage it caused her brain).
Anyhow if I don't go Through with it tonight ill Attempt again Tuesday as I can't have my niece and nephew finding me Tuesday morning when we babysit…and I may wait till Tuesday to see them One more time. They were so tired and ornery when they left last night I didn't get to say goodbye and hug the twins One last time and so It's weighing on me. I Haven't written goodbyes yet either …
I would wait until Tuesday night but im
Afraid of them finding me too Early on Wednesday morning. I think my SI is kicking in giving me reason to wait. Which is why it's been so hard to follow through since October!

 

[tilly17]

Best wishes to you. Plan on joining tomorrow

What will you be using? Sorry you're suffering has come down to this too

 

[lifeisbutadream]

I'm so sad to read that, Tilly. I also had a bad reaction to the cymbalta the neuro gave me. Luckily i only took it once.

I believe we are being tested here on earth. Those like you who are being tested so hard must be extraordinarily good people destined for greatness in the worlds to come.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds beyond unbearable what you have to go through, it's so incredibly tragic how such extreme torture is even able to exist. I do hope that when the time is right for you to leave this world, you find the freedom that you wish for. Best of luck.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Per ardua ad astra

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you have suffered so much. I hope you can find peace.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

Per ardua ad astra

Per ardua ad astra is a Latin phrase meaning "through adversity to the stars" or "through struggle to the stars" that is the official motto of the Royal Air Force and other Commonwealth air forces such as the Royal Australian Air Force and Royal New Zealand Air Force, as well as the Royal Indian Air Force until 1947


I love that!

 

[tilly17]

What will you be using? Sorry you're suffering has come down to this too

Are you still planning on tonight? My plan got messed up last night so I'm planning Tuesday night will definitely be the night for me now.

 

[whitefeather]

I just finally opened my SN and found little 1 oz containers I've measured out 3 25 g containers, got Tagamet, metocloprimade, temazepam, liquid lorazepam, some opioids, and 400mg propanolol ready to go for tonight. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this and trying to figure out if I really have the guts to go through with it or not. Life's only going to get worse, but I'm having such a hard time leaving my sisters twins who are the miracle babies in our family as I can't have kids.. and they are my world. They are only 4 1/2 and they love me so much they tell their mom she's just a babysitting them and I'm their mama (such teases)love it but it's killing me inside to leave them and not see all their firsts and be there to watch them leave to ride their new bikes and just everything. Leaving my dear mother brother and sister is going to be the worst! They truly are the what and I hate myself for doing this to them ( especially as my bro in law fights to live after his 4th transplant (2 kidneys 2 pancreas due to diabetes he gut after he ate all his Halloween candy in one night at age 10).
Anyhow, my struggle is still when I should take the propanolol. The most recent PPH April 2022 still includes it and I figure I've got it so why not try it. Question is when as if it takes an hour to peak then I want it to work quicker but not so quick that I give the SN enough time to absorb in my gut ! Many of us have read an hour before to drinking with the SN. I'm wondering WHEN I really should take it. I want to be as comfortable as I can be … especially as I just know myself that I'm gonna throw up so I've got 3 dosages Prepared. Gonna take a bunch of temezapam 15 minutes before out of capsules so I hopefully dose off before too long and will be more comfortable.
So everyone can you help me decide when you each think it's best with your knowledge when is the best time to take the propanolol? (It's all crushed so it'll digest faster … )

Tilly, SN in 1/2 cup water works without anything else. Just don't spit it out or throw up.

 

[tilly17]

Having a sleepover with my twin nephew and niece tonight so I'll have one more night and day with them before I decide to ctb.
Tuesday night will be my night. I'm determined that this is just going to have to be it and I've got all the meds crushed and ready to go. As of now I'm still debating taking the

That sounds beyond unbearable what you have to go through, it's so incredibly tragic how such extreme torture is even able to exist. I do hope that when the time is right for you to leave this world, you find the freedom that you wish for. Best of luck.

always Amazed having studied nursing in bile of becoming either a physician assistant or nurse practitioner that the more I learned about the body the more amazed I feel at how much goes right in the body every second of each day to make us functional without us having to even think about it. The amounts of neural connnection, chemical balances, hormones, and all the different cells that carry oxygen or fight viruses … I was amazed more didn't go wrong with more people more often to be honest! However after 40 + surgeries including two major brain surgeries that I had to fly to Houston to even get a Dr to touch my pinea
Gland tumor that had hemorrhaged as was attached to 6 arteries and my brain stem. My Dr was the vascular neurosurgeon who
Saved Congress woman Gabby Giffords after she was shot in Tucson AZ Safeway during a speech she as giving. I was truly blessed to have him save me back then and he gave me
Many years to my life that resolved trigemial neuralgia ( still the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life above kidney stones I had to have surgery to remove) horrific vertigo so bad I couldn't walk down a hall without help and felt like I was on a carousel ride 24/7 with chronic nausea/vomiting and a life I couldn't have lived that way for long with. He gave me nearly 9 years of life that i
Experienced travel and concerts and great memories I'd never had have. But life took a huge turn 20 months ago and I find myself incapable of enduring this type of agony. I'd rather have faced cancer or another brain surgery or anything else rather than what my body is enduring right now. Dr's
Have never really seen where a body just doesn't metabolize 90% of any medication they give me and I've gone without sleep as one of the hardest patients ever to treat insomnia as I have only had 6 minutes of REM sleep in 3 weeks! My brain is literally just fried and I don't see it ever healing from whatever has happened. I would fight like hell live thorough depression and such but I cannot even put into words what it's like to be roasting hot in your back at 106 degrees F and my feet are barely warm at 93degrees and body eclectic shocks randomly all
The time while feeing like I've got sliders or bugs crawling all over inside of me at times and akathesia wear I will basically jog in the air for up to 9-10 hours as you fell like you have to keep moving because you physically cannot sit still- it's impossible… it's just all too much pain and agony that is 24/7 and with barely 2 hours sleep a night I'm so beyond exhausted that I cannot even cope
With daily tasks anymore. So needless to say I wouldn't be here if things weren't as bad as they are; yet I feel bad inside because others out there are suffering in far worse ways than I am and yet they continually love life to
The fullest and go on …. And I simply just can't bare another day at this point.
I'm scared to death of living and yet it's tearing me up as I have a great life despite being physically and now mentally incapacitated . It's just too much amd i have nothing left to give of myself. Tonight with the twins about killed me with "G—-" calling me his mama and he drew pictures of just he and I waking together on the grass in a park. Then sad faces because we cannot be at the beach in the same and water so we are sad together. This little guy I've helped raised since the twins were in the NICU and I babysat them daily while my sister worked, so it's as though they are my two miracle babies and leaving them behind at age 4 1/2 where they'll have no understanding why I suddenly am no longer here and went on to Heaven when they think I'm getting better from their prayers. It's killing me inside tonight especially tucking them into
Bed knowing that Wednesday morning I won't be here anymore.
The Reality of leaving family behind is really breaking my heart in two. But I truly just can't go on living this way.
Sorry I am going off here as I'm trying to talk myself through this with others who truly relate and understand what I'm feeling right now. And my heart aches for those of you who don't have great families and loved ones as you each deserve the best!
Well I'll off to bed for hopefully 2 hours of sleep or more I continue to pray for eternal rest soon.
I'll try to post as much of my goodbye as I can. I want to leave with info for you all how I feel but don't want my family finding any of this out so trying to figure out how to do both. Catch up tomorrow for tomorrow is hopefully my last day on Earth. I can't wait to see my Father who died 19 years ago! I was like his clone in my family as we were so similar and I Have missed him so much as he understood me best .
Well goodnight everyone. Praying each of you has someone to comfort and loved ones in your life supporting you right now.

Tilly, SN in 1/2 cup water works without anything else. Just don't spit it out or throw up.

I pretty much anticipated that I'll throw up as I have a very sensitive GI system amd gag even brushing my teeth. So I'm pretty prepared with extra SN glasses and all

 

[jk9761]

i was thinking take 200mg of propranolol 20 minutes before sn and 200 mg together with sn

 

[tilly17]

So people are posting not to take beta blockers and anti acids. It just doesn't make logic to me to not take Tagamet now after fasting as we've always been told no juice or soda and other drinks that would add to the stomach acids as this will make more nitrite turn into the nitrate which is what we don't want. We need the SN to absorb as much as possible as fast as possible. Im planning to take the Tagamet around 11pm and the propanolol I'll Likely take half before and half 200 mg with the first SN drink. Getting scared as the reality of leaving this world and so many people I love behind . I can't face the pain it's going to cause my mother brother and my sister and the twins. They've kept me fighting but I can't go on anymore. Having them here 48 hours really made me
Realize how much I'm gonna miss. Still
Can't believe I am Going to be capable of pulling this off , but the alternative is too
Much. Tonight is looking like the night. I'll post what I can before I go. Wishing everyone else here the best for each of you this year!

 

[jk9761]

RIP .

 

[YuckyDucky]

I'm sorry for the life that was unfairly taken from you. Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace.