Christmas will be horrible due to my family. To compensate that I bought me a present for the day. I have to live around the people who have done this to me. (abuse and mistreatment)
New Years celebration was horrible 2019. 2 of my best friends had their gf's with them. This increased my desire for a partner and the loneliness way more. Moreover I was fired one month before. I was in a mixed bipolar episode. It was so horrible.
Last year I did not went to the party due to covid restriction. (Too high penalty)
Not sure for what I am hoping this year. On the hand I do not want to spend time with my family, on the other side the gf of my best friend (their hugging and kissing in front of me) makes me so jealous. (or is envy the the right word? I envy this kind of relationship.)
I might stop going to college this week. The end of November has many anniversaries for me. My first psychosis years ago (which destoryed my life) and I was fired some years ago at the end of November. So I have something to celebrate. Becoming more bitter, lonely, resentful and desperate this year. And the worst is yet to come. I cannot believe this is happening to me. It feels so absurd like this is all a joke. Life is a joke and the joke is on me.