Discussion Will scheduled emails help or hinder my family after my departure?

[momdontcryplease]

I was planning on a a series of scheduled emails to be sent out after my departure to help my family deal with the pain. However, do you think this is a good idea? Will it actually do more harm than good? I can see it going both ways but I'm mostly worried if seeing my emails after my death will dig up bad memories for them and stop the grieving process from progressing. Some people say that it never gets better though after a family member passes though and in this case then shouldn't the emails help them? What do you think?

Also, is Gmail a reliable way to set this up? Is there a time limit on scheduled emails? I was planning to write a whole bunch, like at least for 50 years ahead but I'm worried if it giltches my emails will never send and they will never see them (they won't have my email log-in... maybe I should leave that behind just in case). I'm mostly thinking of having one for their birthdays, holidays, maybe a random one here and there, and for future events like weddings or perhaps a childbirth. Also for their graduations.

I was also planning on recording lots of videos for these future events. Like the ones you see on Youtube where a mother passed away from cancer but pre-recorded a message for her children's future birthdays. I don't know. If your family member passed away, would it make you feel better to recieve these "ghost" messages? I might do some text messages too if I can set that up.

 

[Octavia]

A scheduled email shortly after your death would be good for explanations and comfort, but if you are planning on scheduling emails such as birthday wishes every year it would be a terrible idea. As soon as they realise that more emails are scheduled in the future, they will not be able to stop thinking about them, always hoping that the next one would bring an explanation for your departure if they do not understand it. That is going to eat at them to the point where insanity becomes a risk, so I would advise against long-term scheduled emails.

But then again, if you want to haunt your tormentors from beyond the grave, scheduled emails from several addresses (for block bypassing) should prove to be devilishly effective at the task.

 

[FredTheCripple]

There was a guy who did something similar to what you are planning but it was with blog posts. I don't think it helped much. That being said, everyone is different. You know your family better than we do.

 

[looking_for_peace]

Interesting idea. I voted "no" but I can see why some might find this appealing. It reminds me of a story I once read where a terminally ill husband arranged for his wife to receive pre-ordered birthday flowers after he passed away. But IMO, that's different from receiving random emails/texts from a dead relative. I think it's appropriate for some occasions (birthdays, holidays), but unexpected messages may give the sense that you are still alive and impede the grieving process.

 

[momdontcryplease]

I plan to explain everything in my note so no further explanation would be necessary. Maybe just one email to further reinforce my note... Would it still hurt them (all the scheduled shit) if they knew why I decided to ctb? I don't want to torment them. Everything is my fault.
Yeah I guess random emails wouldn't be the best idea. On second thought it sounds kind of psycho. Restricted to special occasions I suppose. That blog post is pretty interesting and it sounds less intrusive but I don't want it to be a public thing. Thanks for your thoughts so far (keep them coming please!) this definitely isn't something I'm 100% dedicated to and if all of you think it's a poor idea than I won't do it because I don't want my family to feel even worse than they will.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely think a scheduled email after is a good idea. That's what I plan to do. I think beyond that though- it could just be raking up old wounds.

I guess it does depend on your family though- you're going to know more about what sorts of things they find comforting. If it's something you think they would find comfort in- perhaps you could find another way of doing it that gives them the choice. I think the trouble with email is that it could well be a shock when they start getting these future messages. Plus- the account could be frozen/deleted I suppose. Could you maybe write some letters etc and leave them to one family member? It would then be up to them to assess whether they thought it would bring your family comfort or more grief in the future.

 

[momdontcryplease]

Yeah I'm getting the idea that this would be a bad idea. It sucks because I want some way to let my mom know I'll be there for her in spirit because I think it would make her feel better. But the more I think about it the more it feels like I will just be stopping her from moving on in a sense. I could write letters but I'm already going to be writing a note anyway so wouldn't it be sorta redundant? I suppose I could like write a super long personalized letter each...

 

[Disaster]

As people heal from the grief, the memory of the deceased person fades. A note may be super-important in the initial phase, for closure, but it would be cruel and unreasonable to schedule tons of them for many years. I'm not sure why you want them to be reminded of your death and why you don't want them to go on with their lives, but this is not okay.

 

[momdontcryplease]

It's not that I wanted them to be reminded of my death. It's just that I read some testimonials from parents online that the pain never faded for them and that they could never get over it. So I thought if the pain will be there forever, maybe some "contact" with me would help them with that. But I don't think it's a good idea anymore...

 

[Disaster]

It's not that I wanted them to be reminded of my death. It's just that I read some testimonials from parents online that the pain never faded for them and that they could never get over it. So I thought if the pain will be there forever, maybe some "contact" with me would help them with that. But I don't think it's a good idea anymore...

Well, some of them feel this way, some of them feel the other way. Also, it may not be accepted that for some memories do fade and they go on with their lives, it's not acceptable in most cultures to get over something like this, huh?
Have you ever lost someone, anyone? Would you like to receive scheduled emails long after they depart? How would you feel knowing that you're likely to receive such email soon?

 

[momdontcryplease]

I only lost a grandparent that I was too young to remember much. I wouldn't mind getting an email from them but I'm so mentally ill that I can't trust that what I feel is what the average person would feel.