Discussion Will finding love save you from ctb?

[depthss]

not at all. if anything, i think it would push me over the edge right away. even just friendships make me feel stressed out, so they never last long. i cant imagine how much id hate a romantic relationship

 

[Musiclover338]

in the past before i gave myself brain damage yes but now it seems impossible since i gave myself brain damage with a failed attempt

 

[mango-meridian]

Not romantic love, but unconditional parental love.

I used to fantasize about an older adult, sometimes it was a teacher, a nice neighbour, whatever, seeing what was happening with my parents and taking me under their wing. Seeing the best parts of me, cherishing me, believing in me with all their heart.

They wouldn't even necessarily need to adopt me, but the idea that this person would always be there and listen to me non-judgementally and no matter what I do in life they wouldn't look down on me or call me names, they would just see me and know I was doing my best and give me a hug and words of wisdom.

I think of them being like a therapist-type, someone older, wiser, who would care about me and care about my life and really. Believe in me. Not treat me like a burden. Value my company and the things I have to say. Be endlessly patient with me.

It's so sad to think about it. I just really want someone to tell me I'm a good person and validate my pain and re-parent me essentially. I don't want it to be romantic because that's transactional; I would need to offer romance back.

I just wish so badly to be loved the way I deserved as a kid. And I think that's the only thing that would really truly stop me from CTB. And maybe I'm meant to offer that to myself but I don't know how. This is so painful.

Wowww I used to fantasize about the same thing. Like I wanted one of my teachers at school to take me under their wing, take me to do fun things I actually wanted to do, listen to me, see me, etc.

Now in my adult life this manifests as me having almost exclusively friends who are a lot older than me, because I guess it helps fill that void a little. It's a little weird but I guess there's nothing wrong with it.

 

[Mastershakeme]

Sometimes, I feel really bad for my bf. He says he loves me and he's not giving up on me, and when he says these things all I think is "That's not good enough. I still wanna die." he would be so much better off without me