Why?

[zach]

What is the point in life. Why do we wake up everyday and continue to struggle and feel pain?
I just can't seam to find the power to do anything anymore.
Im a 25 year old male whos always struggled with depression. I've done all the medications it never seamed to help. im always angry. always. For no reason. I think for maybe 2 years of my life I managed to lie and con myself enough where I fooled a girl ( and maybe myself) that I was a good person and managed to start that American dream got a house with her and shit. then I fell back into my old routine and never have gotten back out of it. The girl finally had enough and left. Can't blame her.
For months I've been contemplating just ending it. I'm not scared to die. I'm scared to live with these feelings for the rest of my life. I have many viable options for doing so, I just worry about the weight I put on my familys shoulders. I don't want to do it anymore though. I just feel so trapped and my only viable escape seams to be ending it.

 

[zach]

I might also add that i'm really not a good person. ive made so many mistakes I cant even look myself in the mirror anymore.

 

[Tiburcio]

I can relate a lot with what you said. Being tired of life, I understand you perfectly, the routine kills everybody who passes through it. There are only promises of hope and dreams but things seems to be really different from what is said.

The fury you feel, I feel it too. I'm angry a lot of time and I feel a lot of wrath against almost everybody. Mostly because I hate how they act and the calamities they are able to make with a bit of abuse from my parents that turned me somewhat aggresive.

To be honest I wasn't a very good person neither, I was awful exactly as them, fortunately I was able to change but I don't know if I'm truly worthy, I made horrible things, I harmed innocent people blind in my own hate for everything.

 

[zach]

It just weighs so heavily on me. I know everybody says it'll get better, that life is a rollercoaster, that there are amazing things worth experiencing. But I don't see it. I never have. All I feel from the second I wake up is anger and sadness. Anger at myself for feeling the way I do, and yes angry at everybody else for acting so normal when inside I can't even think. I am a terrible person. Im a liar, ive cheated, ive seriously harmed others. I manipulate everybody if I can. I don't think I can change. I've tried so hard for so many years. I just don't see it getting better. And I can't imagine feeling this way another 25 years or 50 or whatever.

 

[zach]

What gets you through the day man ?

 

[Tiburcio]

Only toxicity and negativity. To be honest, nothing worthy. I just hope the end of this.

 

[zach]

I went for a drive. Saw so many semis. tempting.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I have made so many mistakes … fucked myself over without the help of anyone else although that has happened as well.
I was never smart but I still manage to fuck up what little good in my life I had. :(

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I might also add that i'm really not a good person. ive made so many mistakes I cant even look myself in the mirror anymore.

Totally get it … I've been shitty to people that I shouldn't have been and I can't fix it.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

It just weighs so heavily on me. I know everybody says it'll get better, that life is a rollercoaster, that there are amazing things worth experiencing. But I don't see it. I never have. All I feel from the second I wake up is anger and sadness. Anger at myself for feeling the way I do, and yes angry at everybody else for acting so normal when inside I can't even think. I am a terrible person. Im a liar, ive cheated, ive seriously harmed others. I manipulate everybody if I can. I don't think I can change. I've tried so hard for so many years. I just don't see it getting better. And I can't imagine feeling this way another 25 years or 50 or whatever.

I think my rollercoaster went under water and never came back up. :(
I'm sure life is amazing for SOME people … not everyone.
I'm angry most of the time I hate all people especially me. I hate having to be around other people in public.
I can't imagine being around in my 70's or 80's or even longer. :(

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

What gets you through the day man ?

I feel like I'm a zombie just numb. Hard to think most of the time. I try to fake it as best I can but I'm sure it is noticeable.

 

[zach]

I just don't see how people can be happy