Venting why was I born in this family

[quietly_gone]

I don't like any of these people and none of them like me either and I wish not getting along was our only issue. There's illness, addiction, abuse- to wake up every day only to realize I'm still under this roof makes me so miserable.

I wish my days didn't immediately start in tears, maybe then I could manage to work through all of this. If I was stronger I'd be able to leave all of them behind but I can't, financially or psychologically (please don't tell me I'm staying because I want to, I'm just venting and I don't like giving too many details about my situation. I'm truly stuck).

There's so much I'd grieve. I don't know what it is, love or duty. Maybe they're simply too good at making me internalize I'm a horrible person. I wonder what is the thing that makes me feel so tied to people that destroyed my sanity to pieces.

Sorry for another rant about the same thing. My mom is hospitalized. We're waiting for our state to find her a spot at a bigger place so she can have a surgery done. It's apparently nothing much, but I'm not feeling very positive. As I've said, we have a history of illnesses. I'm spending every minute I can with her because I understand how draining it can be to stay alone in an empty hospital room, and I'm trying to not let my brothers put her under any more stress. They want money, they want the keys to the house that they can't take care of (and often steal from/let strangers in) and I'm doing what I can to be here and there almost simultaneously.

I'm so stressed I can barely take care of my own body, I already suck at doing that in normal circumstances because of depression but now I just don't have the time. I feel weak in every sense of the word. I'm tired of people staring because I look horrible and messy. And I have to keep up appearances when my friends try texting me because if anyone realizes I'm thinking about suicide again it's going to be such a pain to hear any kind of pep talk.

I keep thinking about how I hid my pain so well people don't know the extent of it, don't know how fucked up my family is, don't know how many times I've attempted and how deep my depressive episodes go. I hid it so well they think it's all solvable. I don't want to tell them the truth though. I don't want to burden anyone. They're going through stuff too.

I hate the fact that there's another day to live tomorrow, my chest hurts just thinking about it.

 

[quietly_gone]

I'll just use this thread to vent. A nurse just came into our room and started stalking about how her mom died from the same condition my mom currently has. I would be kind of mad, but my mom wants to get the fuck out of here because she's currently asymptomatic so she needed to hear that, no matter how difficult it was. I too can see now that the situation is even harder than I supposed it was. I don't think life is going back to normal.

I need to find a job soon. I need to get my own place because if she goes I'll be alone with my brother and I don't need to explain how bad it is to live with an addict much older and much bigger than you, specially one who has been physically violent before. I don't even know how we're going to support ourselves without her.

I've been trying to find a job for two years to no avail. The only ones who gave me a chance would make me work until late which is not a problem on itself. I live in a dangerous neighborhood and walking alone in the streets after 9pm is basically begging to get mugged. Which is also why I don't trust my brother with the house alone. He comes home drunk and leaves the door open.

I wish I could stay here with her and at least offer some kind of company even though I'm currently so unable to speak without breaking in tears. But I can't leave my cats, which are basically my lifeline right now, and neither can I let my brother destroy the house. Again. What little we have left.

Anyway. My birthday is coming up. My close friends are preparing gifts for me. I wish it could uplift me somehow, but I know it won't. I'm just grateful already. I'll practice some smiles to show that.

My mom wasn't the best mom, although now that I'm close to losing her my memories want to make it seem like she was. I don't really care about the past right now anyway, the important is how I'm currently feeling, and I'm feeling miserable that I may be alone in this world soon. If she goes I'll go too I guess, it's almost funny how little sense it makes for me to stay. I should've had my life together by now, but I needed to take care of her, still do, so I couldn't work anything out. I'm still sending out resumes, but having her at this shitty hospital, I don't know how I could leave to go to work.

Kind of a messy ramble. Dreading going home today. Dreading staying at the hospital. Just pure dread.

 

[quietly_gone]

It's been a hellish week... I can't remember the last time I ate a proper meal. The house is always messy when I come back from the hospital because my brother is a disgusting pig. I clean until I get tired or sad and then I sleep until it's time to shower and go back to the hospital again.

I wish I could play with my cats more. I always cry when I'm with them now because I know I won't be with them for long. I'm taking good care of them, I know. But I feel so distant.

I thought telling other people about this routine would be enough for them to put 2 and 2 together and realize that I'm miserable but I guess not. I don't understand how no one seems to grasp this fact. I think I've played the "it's tough but I can take it" card for too long. I've been open about my mental health, even my suicidal tendencies, but every time I'm in a bad place mentally everyone wants to brush it off so quickly.

Today I was giving my friend an update on this situation and she was like "oh that sucks. I have a day off today, do you wanna play games later?" and I couldn't even formulate a reply. I just told you my mom is hospitalized and being really really difficult, that I'm at risk staying home alone with a man who traumatized me and you somehow think I have any desire to play video games? Even without all my history with depression and suicide. How do you ask someone that?

On the same day another friend texted me asking what I was going to do for my birthday which is coming up this week and I still don't know what to say. I'm sleeping at a hospital. I've told you I'm not mentally well. Why do you think I would do anything for my birthday? Am I being too vague when I say this? I know they don't mean any harm. Am I being salty over nothing when I feel hurt that people want to so bluntly ignore what I'm going through?

I try my best not to let my depression alienate me but this is really driving me crazy. I do everything I'm supposed to. I talk. I'm open about how I feel. If anyone asks, I don't hide anything. When I CTB are people going to say I didn't give any signs? When I was telling you I was sad you were pretending not to listen. I don't want any more attention, I just don't know how to lie and cover up things. Seems like I don't even need to because no one believes me. I think I'll soon get tired of trying. I've always been desperate for connection and understanding, but I think this is one thing I'll never be able to make others understand.

I'm thinking about buying a rope and start testing things out. I just need to get the artery thing right. I'm worried about marks it could leave on my neck though, so I'm going to have to wait until my birthday passes to make sure no one's going to see me in person.

SN is still a viable option but I'm tight on money. I'm keeping an eye out on sources though. I'm getting worried because there seems to be less of them every day here in my country. I'll get mine as soon as I have money on my hands. Wish me luck.

 

[sovcat]

Sorry for awkwardly interrupting your chain of thoughts.

Feeling trapped in a family you didn't ask for is very relatable and I'm sorry for the situation you're going through. It cannot be understated how this "trapped" feeling can make someone feel so hopeless. Freedom feels like fresh air I'll never breathe, at least not in the physical world that requires financial freedom that is so hard to obtain.

 

[annique]

Sinto muito pelo que tá passando. Minha mãe também tá passando por uma situação difícil no momento, e meu aniversário tá chegando também. Me identifiquei com vc também em outros tópicos que apresentou.

Infelizmente, não tenho muitos conselhos pra te dar nesse momento, mas desejo a vc as melhores coisas do mundo.

 

[quietly_gone]

Sorry if I can't use this thread to vent, mods are free to delete if that's against the rules. Other people can vent here too if they want, I don't mind. I enjoy listening (or reading, in this case).

My mom has left the hospital of her own will. I couldn't do anything. My brother (the one who has it "together" the best- he manages to make a living for himself, so that's something, but he's still an asshole and an addict, but the kind that's able to support themselves) took us home with his car. I spent the whole ride crying silently, afraid and anxious. I put myself to bed and my normal dose of sleeping meds weren't able to shake my anxiety off. I took more than I usually do and woke up so tired I could barely stand. I sent resumes out of fear. I stared at the wall trying to think about what I can still do, if there is an option I haven't yet considered. Nothing. I couldn't eat, I couldn't talk to my friends, I couldn't do anything because I am afraid my mom is going to die.

My birthday came. My friends gave me nice, thoughtful gifts. It made me wish I could sleep all year long and wake myself up when it's close to their birthday just to prepare them a gift. They're a nice distraction, but once they say goodbye, I have to go back to my family and feel miserable again. At least my mom didn't make a fuss about my unwillingness to party like she did all these previous years. I woke up the next day and thought about how it all went... It felt like the universe was being kind and mean at the same time, showing me love but making it clear I would never fully have it.

I have to go pick up my meds and I know that's depression talking but I really don't see the need to stay on them anymore. I don't like how they make it easier to turn my back on things. The only way I could ever solve this is by going through it, not by taking a pill and going to sleep or numbing myself. It feels like I'm prolonging my suffering for no reason.

My mom has a medical exam tomorrow and I can't go - won't go, because she's siding with my brother and wants to leave the house alone with him. I won't. I fear for my cats, for my belongings which I've worked hard to buy (I have a remote job that helps feeding the cats, going to see the doctor and help out with the bills, but it pays very little. Every thing I bought took me months of saving). We've been robbed before because of this. I don't understand why she thinks this way. He's not a trustworthy person. I proved it to her a thousand times. He proved it to her as well and didn't even need my help.

She also didn't go to an appointment yesterday because I told her I would stay to look after the house. That made her mad, and her way of taking it out on me was neglecting her health. When she's in pain again and we need to call an ambulance and find a hospital to take her, I'll be the one by her side, not my brother. He'll be passed out, drunk. I am always with her and yet I am always alone because of her. It hurts.

I just want to find a job and leave. If I do, I'll give life a try. I promise I will.