Venting Why me (bad english)

[kikewolf900]

I'm only 15 and I already feel like my life is wasted and pointless
I hate being myself, I disgust me, I hate everything
I am on my phone all day to try to distract me from my shitty life and existence but as soon as I have to go to sleep, I have to face "reality"
I feel so different from everyone, I feel like everybody here has a chance for living and have a good life but not me... I'm not normal and I ask God everyday why does he hate me so much to make me be ME, everyday I see my classmates or other teenagers and I don't feel human. I feel like an animal. I feel like I don't belong nowhere, I don't even exist, I'm a back character in my own life
I'm unable to do anything, I will never be able to do anything because nothing fulfills me anymore, everything is so sad, so empty, so boring, so plain, my life is so boring. I literally don't have any experience in anything. Never had a relationship. Never had a party. Never went out. Never learned anything. Never did anything. Weed used to be my escape but now it doenst even hit and if it does is boring and depressing. And smokinf makes me feel even more gross.
My parents don't let me go out either. I can't go take a walk to relax and think because my house is like a fucking prison. They probably think it doenst affect me so much because they think I have friends. No. I don't have anyone, not even online friends, I say I'm used to loneliness but when I think about it more deeply is makes me cry. I don't have a life besides me phone. No joke my phone is more worth than me..I'm ugly, I look like a literal ogre and I'm fat as he'll. My hair is stupid. My personality is shitty and everyday dealing with myself is a torture. I never talk because I hate my voices (and because nobody wants to hear me talk) nobody loves me besides maybe my dad... my mom doenst love me anymore because I disappoint her. And I don't blame me, I would he disappointed too if I was my own child, I went from a normal and happy child, to a depressed and weird teenager
My parents judge me because I never get out of bed but they don't understand that is pointless. I don't want to study or do anything physical simply because is not worth it, I will kill myself anyways.
and my biggest problem, my gender dysphoria, it's actually the only reason of why I'm killing myself. If it wasn't for that, I would try to make my life better, but knowing that I will never be what I want to be it's exhausting.
Suicide is my only escape

 

[tary]

If there's any way you can make yourself carry on through awkward teen years until you're an adult with full control of your own life, I can say that life gets a lot better.
You can do anything you want, you're free to work towards any goal that you set yourself.
I had similar teenage years, gender dysphoria and no friends.
Now at 32 I at least am on estrogen HRT (I still don't present as a woman though) and have people I talk with online and at school.
The thing about CTB is that it's never too late to do it, there's no hurry.
I'm going to CTB in January, but I'm glad I got to finally experience being on HRT and learned the basics of programming.

 

[kikewolf900]

If there's any way you can make yourself carry on through awkward teen years until you're an adult with full control of your own life, I can say that life gets a lot better.
You can do anything you want, you're free to work towards any goal that you set yourself.
I had similar teenage years, gender dysphoria and no friends.
Now at 32 I at least am on estrogen HRT (I still don't present as a woman though) and have people I talk with online and at school.
The thing about CTB is that it's never too late to do it, there's no hurry.
I'm going to CTB in January, but I'm glad I got to finally experience being on HRT and learned the basics of programming.

Thank you <3 I tried to set goals but I keep self sabotaging and end up leaving them or something.

 

[tary]

Thank you <3 I tried to set goals but I keep self sabotaging and end up leaving them or something.

I was a bus driver for 3 1/2 years, as a teenager you only really need to get through whatever education you're in and do as well as you can.
Everything else can really be achieved as an adult.

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

I'm only 15 and I already feel like my life is wasted and pointless
I hate being myself, I disgust me, I hate everything
I am on my phone all day to try to distract me from my shitty life and existence but as soon as I have to go to sleep, I have to face "reality"
I feel so different from everyone, I feel like everybody here has a chance for living and have a good life but not me... I'm not normal and I ask God everyday why does he hate me so much to make me be ME, everyday I see my classmates or other teenagers and I don't feel human. I feel like an animal. I feel like I don't belong nowhere, I don't even exist, I'm a back character in my own life
I'm unable to do anything, I will never be able to do anything because nothing fulfills me anymore, everything is so sad, so empty, so boring, so plain, my life is so boring. I literally don't have any experience in anything. Never had a relationship. Never had a party. Never went out. Never learned anything. Never did anything. Weed used to be my escape but now it doenst even hit and if it does is boring and depressing. And smokinf makes me feel even more gross.
My parents don't let me go out either. I can't go take a walk to relax and think because my house is like a fucking prison. They probably think it doenst affect me so much because they think I have friends. No. I don't have anyone, not even online friends, I say I'm used to loneliness but when I think about it more deeply is makes me cry. I don't have a life besides me phone. No joke my phone is more worth than me..I'm ugly, I look like a literal ogre and I'm fat as he'll. My hair is stupid. My personality is shitty and everyday dealing with myself is a torture. I never talk because I hate my voices (and because nobody wants to hear me talk) nobody loves me besides maybe my dad... my mom doenst love me anymore because I disappoint her. And I don't blame me, I would he disappointed too if I was my own child, I went from a normal and happy child, to a depressed and weird teenager
My parents judge me because I never get out of bed but they don't understand that is pointless. I don't want to study or do anything physical simply because is not worth it, I will kill myself anyways.
and my biggest problem, my gender dysphoria, it's actually the only reason of why I'm killing myself. If it wasn't for that, I would try to make my life better, but knowing that I will never be what I want to be it's exhausting.
Suicide is my only escape

I would say it's terrifying that a 15 year old thinks like this but looking back I was just like you. Your life is not wasted, you've barely lived. I used to be exactly like this and I'm much much happier now than before. It probably doesn't mean much to you, I know it wouldn't have meant much to me then, but who knows. Things change, and that is the only truth.

 

[ClamChowder]

Minors aren't allowed on this site. Suicideforum.com (SF is a pro-life peer to peer support forum for people in crisis) is a place where you can vent.