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Citruscine

Citruscine

dead in the head
Mar 8, 2022
53
// Partial vent but also advice seeking

Anyone with the perspective of having experienced suicidality / debilitating mental illness but trying to recover have any genuine insights or shift in perspective when it comes to "why live when things are tough"?

Maybe it's having BPD that warps my mentality but from a logical / philosophic standpoint, I simply feel like there's no point to suffering through life.

Even though there are times that things aren't so bad or I'm able to experience happiness from small things, it's always only temporary.
It's a fact of life for me that I'm emotionally unstable and am unable to cope with regular aspects of life without having mental breakdowns that limit my quality of life.

Friends don't stick around, whether because of them leaving or because I don't let anyone get close for fear of me becoming toxic and ruining everything,
but when I am by myself all I do is self destruct. The positive emotions from hobbies, food, music, etc. aren't enough to make me want to keep living. I wouldn't care that I wouldn't be able to experience positive things if I kept living because (I hope) if I die I won't have to experience anything at all, and living with BPD makes it inevitable that I'll swing back and forth from happiness to mental anguish.

When I mention that I'm worried I won't be able to get through life (finishing degrees, getting a job, keeping afloat through a job), people tell me "you've gotten through things fine up until now so don't worry, you'll manage to make it through this time". And though it might seem that way, I barely make it through life nearly every year. I attempt suicide every 1-2 years (I know lol, I'm not very good at anything including killing myself because I keep chickening out / don't have access to effective methods that are relatively painless). I don't want to keep suffering though life just because I suck at living without freaking out.

I've tried many kinds of therapy (CBT, DBT, ACT), different counsellors, been to the psych ward, called and texted helplines, tried different meds. I know that killing myself just to avoid feeling negative feelings would inevitably cause others pain, but I'm already a bad, selfish, weak person and if I'm dead I won't have to see any of it or worry about it.

I'm very much fighting these trains of thought to keep living but I can't seem to refute them anymore.
 
TheRedHare

TheRedHare

Truth Seeking
Feb 26, 2023
16
"why live when things are tough"?
An interesting question, the answer varies vastly from person to person. I personally believe that: living through hardships often (not always) makes you a stronger person in some regard, the effect not being obvious or immediate (which would be ideal). Being someone who can endure hardship honestly, and deal with tough scenarios is (generally) to be someone reliable.

Friends don't stick around, whether because of them leaving or because I don't let anyone get close for fear of me becoming toxic and ruining everything,
but when I am by myself all I do is self destruct.
I've tried many kinds of therapy (CBT, DBT, ACT), different counsellors, been to the psych ward, called and texted helplines, tried different meds.

These two points in particular lead me to think you can't find any reliable help outside yourself. Which to me, sounds like you need to find the answer for yourself.

You say here:
The positive emotions from hobbies, food, music, etc.
That you get positive emotions from things you do yourself. I don't mean to be preachy but in your list of things that you felt didn't work for you, you never listed earnestly trying to better yourself day by day (not relying on external elements). It can be miniscule stuff, but it legitimately helps people to try and stick to small self-improvement steps (ones that resonate with you). You don't need to play by other people's rules or worry about what they tell you about yourself, you know yourself better than anyone.

The only reason I'm saying this obvious normie-level stuff to you is because you seem to be intent on trying something different given the nature of this post. I personally gained a lot from putting effort into engaging more with life, physically and philosophically (philosophically first).
 
Sulyya

Sulyya

Synergist
Mar 6, 2023
445
You seem to be someone that, within the crap that life throws and sticks to you, is trying to make something good. That is what we work to find here, together.

If your day has 10 awful things happen but you enjoy somehting nonetheless, or find the motivation to either work at something, find time for something you enjoy, or even just post here - then you are fighting for yourself and that is what we try to do in Recovery and we appreciate whatever positivity you take out of the day or week. Bit by bit, overtake your life.
 
Lightworkerinblack

Lightworkerinblack

New Member
Mar 7, 2023
4
// Partial vent but also advice seeking

Anyone with the perspective of having experienced suicidality / debilitating mental illness but trying to recover have any genuine insights or shift in perspective when it comes to "why live when things are tough"?

Maybe it's having BPD that warps my mentality but from a logical / philosophic standpoint, I simply feel like there's no point to suffering through life.

Even though there are times that things aren't so bad or I'm able to experience happiness from small things, it's always only temporary.
It's a fact of life for me that I'm emotionally unstable and am unable to cope with regular aspects of life without having mental breakdowns that limit my quality of life.

Friends don't stick around, whether because of them leaving or because I don't let anyone get close for fear of me becoming toxic and ruining everything,
but when I am by myself all I do is self destruct. The positive emotions from hobbies, food, music, etc. aren't enough to make me want to keep living. I wouldn't care that I wouldn't be able to experience positive things if I kept living because (I hope) if I die I won't have to experience anything at all, and living with BPD makes it inevitable that I'll swing back and forth from happiness to mental anguish.

When I mention that I'm worried I won't be able to get through life (finishing degrees, getting a job, keeping afloat through a job), people tell me "you've gotten through things fine up until now so don't worry, you'll manage to make it through this time". And though it might seem that way, I barely make it through life nearly every year. I attempt suicide every 1-2 years (I know lol, I'm not very good at anything including killing myself because I keep chickening out / don't have access to effective methods that are relatively painless). I don't want to keep suffering though life just because I suck at living without freaking out.

I've tried many kinds of therapy (CBT, DBT, ACT), different counsellors, been to the psych ward, called and texted helplines, tried different meds. I know that killing myself just to avoid feeling negative feelings would inevitably cause others pain, but I'm already a bad, selfish, weak person and if I'm dead I won't have to see any of it or worry about it.

I'm very much fighting these trains of thought to keep living but I can't seem to refute them anymore.
I dated someone with BPD for 4 years. And I have to admit. You guys can be the toughest to fig out and handle! The fact of the matter is you have an emotional sensitivity that is magnitudes higher in intensity compared to the rest of the population. And that's really hard because the rest of us just can't get it because we're just not that emotionally fragile. The best advice I can give you is rotation, creation and trying new things all the time. The beauty in your BPD is that when you DO feel POSITIVE emotions, you have the honor of experiencing happy moments richer and more vivid than we could ever perceive. The friendship thing is hard. Everyone struggles to keep honest, non flakey peers around them. Just be careful and invest in a few promising candidates for your closest friendship. And understand that they can't always be at your beck and call even if your BPD moments make the world seem like its crashing down. Don't forget that its not always abandonment. Everyone is on a diff schedule in life. I personally have a tough time finishing things and holding down jobs as well. Find fun gig work that doesn't make you totally miserable. Music has kept[t me alive. More specifically, going to concerts and shows. EVENTS ARE CRUCIUAL. Attend the events that pertain to your hobbies. It will make you look forward to it so much more!
 
Citruscine

Citruscine

dead in the head
Mar 8, 2022
53
An interesting question, the answer varies vastly from person to person. I personally believe that: living through hardships often (not always) makes you a stronger person in some regard, the effect not being obvious or immediate (which would be ideal). Being someone who can endure hardship honestly, and deal with tough scenarios is (generally) to be someone reliable.
These two points in particular lead me to think you can't find any reliable help outside yourself. Which to me, sounds like you need to find the answer for yourself.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Haha, I honestly knew / expected the answer to be something like this, but sometimes it takes someone else saying it for you to really face it. One of the hardest things about dealing with mental illness is *choosing* to change your internal view / response to life when it feels so much easier to surrender and sink into the pit of negativity and despair thinking it is out of your control.

You're right that everyone will have a different reason to do so and different ways to remind themselves of it, and I guess I'll have to figure that out for myself now.

That you get positive emotions from things you do yourself. I don't mean to be preachy but in your list of things that you felt didn't work for you, you never listed earnestly trying to better yourself day by day (not relying on external elements). It can be miniscule stuff, but it legitimately helps people to try and stick to small self-improvement steps (ones that resonate with you). You don't need to play by other people's rules or worry about what they tell you about yourself, you know yourself better than anyone.

Good point. Thank you. It's hard to be compassionate to yourself and let yourself enjoy things when you feel like shit and feel like you don't deserve it, but it makes sense that this is something that will help.
You seem to be someone that, within the crap that life throws and sticks to you, is trying to make something good. That is what we work to find here, together.

If your day has 10 awful things happen but you enjoy somehting nonetheless, or find the motivation to either work at something, find time for something you enjoy, or even just post here - then you are fighting for yourself and that is what we try to do in Recovery and we appreciate whatever positivity you take out of the day or week. Bit by bit, overtake your life.

Thank you so much for the kind words when things felt like too much. Support like this on this forum is why I love this community so much :heart:
I dated someone with BPD for 4 years. And I have to admit. You guys can be the toughest to fig out and handle! The fact of the matter is you have an emotional sensitivity that is magnitudes higher in intensity compared to the rest of the population. And that's really hard because the rest of us just can't get it because we're just not that emotionally fragile.
Thank you for sensitivity with which you responded. It feels good to not be instantly derided and viewed negatively for simply having BPD.

The friendship thing is hard. Everyone struggles to keep honest, non flakey peers around them. Just be careful and invest in a few promising candidates for your closest friendship. And understand that they can't always be at your beck and call even if your BPD moments make the world seem like its crashing down. Don't forget that its not always abandonment. Everyone is on a diff schedule in life. I personally have a tough time finishing things and holding down jobs as well. Find fun gig work that doesn't make you totally miserable. Music has kept[t me alive. More specifically, going to concerts and shows. EVENTS ARE CRUCIUAL. Attend the events that pertain to your hobbies. It will make you look forward to it so much more!

Thank you for the good advice. I do my best to reality check myself and be aware of my cognitive distortions when it comes to my relationships with others, but sometimes it's hard to. Honestly, I may have the opposite problem where I'm too scared of the "BPD-side" coming out and having people view me as self-centered, so I just bottle it all up and mask it and then quietly feel bad when I'm by myself. This is a good reminder to strike a balance between the two ends and seek help from people close to me but only when it's appropriate and within their boundaries
 
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subhumantrash

It's about time for the liar to play the victim
Jan 19, 2023
20
"why live when things are tough"?
I never really had friends. But my current small friend group, I owe them everything. They found me, and cared about me. I was toxic to them, I didn't know how to be a friend. They did not give up on me.
I cannot give up. I must become what they envision of me. I must become the ideal me. If not for myself, I must do it for the people who cared when they rightfully didn't have to do so.

Thank you for reading, I am sorry that I can't really suggest you much as I'm not really successful myself. Please, have a lovely day :heart:
This world is hell. Let's just enjoy the scenery while we can.
 
C

coolintheshade

Member
Mar 13, 2023
56
OP asked a valid question that most people at some point have asked themselves during difficult times. The last 2yrs especially, with the price of everything from food to healthcare and housing. It also just seems to be getting worse with all the GREED out there
 

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