Venting I just want to LET IT ALL OUT (depression, drugs, afterlife, etc)

[Lauriso]

I really, really want to find a legit reason to live. People either have happiness or purpose. If you're happy, you don't want to end your life, and if you have a purpose, you can muscle through the unhappiness. I seem to lack both.

I've been depressed for a few years now. That's probably not a lot comparatively, but as one Reddit user said, depression is like an open wound. It's almost permanent pain.

I wake up in this mix of depression and anxiety every morning. It's agonizing. And then I do speed (amphetamine) to take some of the pain away. Every day I promise myself to quit and every day I cave in. Even though my tolerance is high and it barely works. My friends have almost abandoned me although I tried not to be a downer and bring some positivity into the relationships. Maybe depressed people just have this vibe that makes them hard to be around.

I live with the hope that death is not the end, I've felt this need for eternity long before I became depressed. But I don't believe in any gods or punishment for suicide. So what will happen to me if I kill myself? Maybe I just cease to exist, which terrifies me, but if that's truly the case, there is little difference if I go now or later. Everyone who knew me will die soon too, so case closed. But if there is an afterlife, will I be relieved from my suffering? If so, why stay here?

At the same time I'm scared of suicide. Of pain, of failing, of really having come this far.

Tonight I'm planning to go to an old friend's house show. What will I say when people ask me how I am? I feel so empty and hopeless. I just cannot see a reason to live.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do believe that one should never fear ceasing to exist as after all, it isn't like we would be able to experience anything then and the reality is that nobody can be harmed by not existing. But anyway, I'm sorry that you suffer, it must be an awful situation to be in, when you wish that things were different. The unfortunate truth is that there could simply never be anything fair about existing here in this world but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[dontfearthereaper11]

Though the journey to nonexistence may seem scary, knowing of the peace that comes after is helpful in relieving that fear, if that is your goal. But from how you speak I can sense that you have some hope in life. For that, I say you're rather strong for making it this far. Depression is a silent, but agonizing thing. Add rampant anxiety and it makes it even more brutal.

I'm sorry for your friends leaving you. A lot of people just don't seem to understand the suffering others go through, and don't know when others need them most. They see your 'gloomy' side and instead of seeing that as an opportunity to see if you are okay, they relate it to you being a downer. It's sadly very common of a reaction.

There might be something after death, if believing in that brings you comfort than more power to you. There might be an afterlife, it's impossible to know for certain. The uncertainty might be a positive, though. As not knowing what's after, means that no matter how much you stress or worry or think about it, you won't even know the answer until you get there.

Perhaps being with your old friends might be a pleasant experience, and allow you to feel a little less empty. Being with others is one of the best eases to pain, even if it is temporary. I wish you all the best and find whatever peace that might come your way.

 

[Kanashii]

I don't think there is one proper "legit" reason to live. We can only enjoy certain small things in life due to the world constantly changing and getting worse. Life just gets more and more sad and depressing as things don't get better, they get worse. Although something might be going well for you at one time, it can all go downhill the next.

If you were to ask me, I find no real purpose in living as we can lose everything in an instant. Feeling empty and hopeless is completely normal as it's a feeling we have as humans unfortunately.

It's also completely normal to have a fear in suicide as you don't know what will come after, if anything does. In my opinion, if there is an afterlife of some sort, I just hope that it's free of the pain and suffering that we experience here in the life we currently have and that all the horrific stuff that happens on this earth won't be there and that things will be peaceful and where people can get along no matter what.

I feel sorry that your friends have almost abandoned you, some people just don't understand what it's like. It's painful having to lose friends due to the way we feel and I hope you can find some new friends that won't abandon you and can understand that people go through depressing and tough times.
I wish you nothing but the best and hope that things get better for you and you can feel better within yourself.

 

[Iva]

I wake up in this mix of depression and anxiety every morning. It's agonizing. And then I do speed (amphetamine) to take some of the pain away.

Speed is the only drug that makes my life worth living tbh. The moment I find a connect to get it again my life will be alright. I haven't done it since september but I've thought about it everyday since. I often have fantasies of selling everything I own and moving out to the countryside where nobody can find me. Building a little house there, get a few animals like chickens to lay me eggs and a cow to produce milk. Then I'd learn how to make pure amphetamine and just make it for my own personal consumption. I could truly be happy just doing amphetamine every day for the rest of my life.