Venting Why is this so hard? Losing my mind searching for SN

[Panopticon021]

Hi Everyone

Longtime lurker, but very rarely post or comment. I live in NZ, for context.

I joined this site a few years ago, just before an unsuccessful hanging - then partial hanging - attempt. I've been meandering along ever since. A cocktail of meds keeps me in this dreadful purgatory. I'm past the shock, anger and tears of initially becoming suicidal. I'm in a comfortable phase of having made up my mind, and making it as efficient as possible.

I want to go, I know it's time. I just can't bear the thought of yet another failure, and the inevitable embarrassment that follows. Last time I ended up in a mental hospital, and everyone in my small town found out about it.

SN seems to be the way to go.

HOW ON EARTH am I supposed to get a hold of this stuff? So far, I have tried:

• Tried local suppliers. All have B2B or other restrictions. Rejected.
• Ordering from a site that is well known here. Starts with S. They cancelled my order, as they could not ship to my country (NZ)
• Assumed (from sites name) that it was based in China. Tried ordering from freight-forwarding company, who would then send to me. FF company cancelled, said the site was not based in China, so they couldn't help. Order cancelled. Which countries will they ship to, I wonder?
• Ordered from overseas sites. Order taken, payment taken, order cancelled.
• Spent hours scouring websites, but each one has a barrier. Cannot send to NZ, minimum order quantities etc

I already have antiemetics and benzos for this method. They're often the hardest thing to source, but I found them the easiest! I have assembled some backup plans (CO, night-night) but I know there is a risk of failure with those. I often stay in hotels, so SN method seems like the ideal way to CTB.

If anyone can help me with a source, I would greatly appreciate it. I understand the suspicion you might have about sending sources to a complete random....I have done everything else myself, and now I am just tired and in pain. This post is purely out of frustration and desperation.

Throw me a bone, universe.

 

[Not A Fan]

I mean, this is exactly the situation that lawmakers and the public want you to be in. All the bad press, no one wants to have the BBC showing up at the their house or go to jail. This situation was brought about by do-gooders who don't understand the unintended consequences of their actions on other people (nor do they care.. it's really all about them.)

 

[enduringwinter]

If you keep trying I'm sure one of those websites will eventually work out. That's how I got mine (don't know what S site is tho)

Were you prescribed benzos?

 

[BlueCup]

Because it is poison and someone might use it to unalive innocent people, that's why.

 

[Panopticon021]

If you keep trying I'm sure one of those websites will eventually work out. That's how I got mine (don't know what S site is tho)

Were you prescribed benzos?

No I found them locally, the shady way. Stole AE from a relative who has an ongoing prescription
Thank you for your replies and DMs. Kinda reassuring that it's not just me. Im usually a pretty resourceful guy. This was driving me nuts!

Have any of you had success with those sites which say "contact seller" or "chat with seller now" or "ask for quote request"???

To date I have only used sites with buy now/pay now to try and fly under the radar...

 

[rj3542]

If you keep trying I'm sure one of those websites will eventually work out. That's how I got mine (don't know what S site is tho)

Were you prescribed benzos?

Hi there, I'm glad to hear you finally got your SN. I'm getting worried. Would it be ok if I dm you?

 

[Timothy7dff]

There's many simple videos on YouTube on making SN from sodium nitrate. It's literally like a 3 step process. No idea why people complain they can't get it when it's easy to make.

 

[thanatos444]

There's many simple videos on YouTube on making SN from sodium nitrate. It's literally like a 3 step process. No idea why people complain they can't get it when it's easy to make.

Not everyone has the equipment or the unsupervised time to do this.

 

[andreamysk]

Not everyone has the equipment or the unsupervised time to do this.

... and furthermore I have the impression that the process (the processes) do not guarantee the purity required for an effective action (unless you have chemical skills capable of refining the procedure)

 

[Panopticon021]

There's many simple videos on YouTube on making SN from sodium nitrate. It's literally like a 3 step process. No idea why people complain they can't get it when it's easy to make.

I DEFINITELY do not trust myself to do this. I am going to follow the purity test (from the megathread) once I get my hands on the stuff, but doing it myself? Nah. Fiddling around with chemicals in my shed does not sound like the best idea right about now.

I appreciate the idea though

 

[golightly]

I'm in nz too, same position as you can't find SN. Any update?

 

[yearnforanescape]

Australia is a similar situation. I've got myself a post office box for privacy, but having trouble finding an international vendor to ship here.

 

[Panopticon021]

Maybe

I'm in nz too, same position as you can't find SN. Any update?

Maybe....I am current further than I have ever been. But been disappointed so many times now, that I am not getting too hopeful

Watch this space

 

[lifeisbutadream]

SN is used to preserve meat, like salami. What do ppl who make their own salami do now? Can they no longer buy it?

 

[Panopticon021]

SN is used to preserve meat, like salami. What do ppl who make their own salami do now? Can they no longer buy it?

Licensed chemical holders can still import the stuff, from what I understand. There is a warehouse in my town that has 1kg buckets of it, but you need to have a company account which would involve some ID checks, company records check, trade account references required etc.

It's not ILLEGAL here, just tightly controlled. In NZ you have to have a handling license for using things like this. Sort of like a firearms license. When you buy it, you have to fill out an "end user declaration". Even truck drivers who transport a certain quantity of poisons/flammable/dangerous goods have to have a drivers license endorsement to carry the stuff. So for me, there are risks at every level of the supply chain.

Ya know, I could just shortcut all this ordering online bullshit, and just rob the local supplier.....!! jk

 

[mrtime87]

This is why I want a gun.

 

[hematomatema]

Honestly I think the SN-being-best-suicide-thing era is over, although personally I really don't think it was ever the easiest, most accessible, most reliable, cheapest substance/medication death possible, it's just that most of SaSu didn't look into alternatives/the alternatives were a bit more mysterious.

It's relatively peaceful compared to other methods where you'd be having panic attacks, intense pains, etc., but there are other methods that use different substances entirely that are quite similar in terms of peace/lack of pain before death. Before, what SN had over these was the price point and the accessibility, and maybe the reliability (although vomiting is common) but now, there really isn't much reason to go for it, quite frankly. It's an outdated method and there are far more accessible, reliable products on the market that literally anyone can buy that work far better than SN, it's just that they've hardly been looked into as viable methods because everyone was so fixated on SN.

Granted, I don't think I'll be able to say the method/methods that look to be better than SN out loud, but they definitely exist, and I would hope that anyone who is absolutely certain on committing suicide looks into them, because they're definitely out there and don't take as much effort to acquire as SN. Even the media is unaware of them.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Granted, I don't think I'll be able to say the method/methods that look to be better than SN out loud

Why not? Basically, that's all we talk about here, whether it's hanging, CO, N, fentanyl, drowning, electrocution, firearms, etc. If you know of one, why not just throw it out there for discussion, and criticism, if need be?

 

[hematomatema]

Why not? Basically, that's all we talk about here, whether it's hanging, CO, N, fentanyl, drowning, electrocution, firearms, etc. If you know of one, why not just throw it out there for discussion, and criticism, if need be?

Thought providing methods for others was against the rules, have been told before about it but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[M48 Patton]

The best method will always be N or specifically pentobarbital (unless you get lucky and pass peacefully in your sleep) but that's very hard to actually procure nowadays to the point where it's almost impossible.

 

[N3UR0T1C]

Thought providing methods for others was against the rules, have been told before about it but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Asking about methods is allowed. Telling members to use a specific method isn't. You can definitely provide information on methods though, there's multiple megathreads detailing extensively various suicide methods. Just read the rules yourself.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Thought providing methods for others was against the rules, have been told before about it but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

As long as you're not recommending a specific method to someone, there's no issue with discussion of various methods, their pros and cons, how-tos, etc, anything fact-based, basically, even opinions are ok. It's all freely available on the Internet already anyway.

 

[LifeQuitter]

I found a few sources on the discord server.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Because it is poison and someone might use it to unalive innocent people, that's why.

Murder by SN is very unlikely. No one's going to casually sip down a bitter concoction with 25 grams of powder dissolved. And even if they did, the intended victim wouldn't be intentionally suppressing the vomit reflex.

 

[kfad95]

Maybe

Maybe....I am current further than I have ever been. But been disappointed so many times now, that I am not getting too hopeful

Watch this space

Nz times 3 I tried a few months ago from China AB but they wouldn't ship in the end and now looks like all sellers on that website don't sell anymore.

Maybe flying to Peru to get N would be easier

 

[ruby09]

Nz times 3 I tried a few months ago from China AB but they wouldn't ship in the end and now looks like all sellers on that website don't sell anymore.

Maybe flying to Peru to get N would be easier

yup i also live in nz and just considering going to peru at this point

 

[kfad95]

yup i also live in nz and just considering going to peru at this point

Wow there's quite a few people here from nz. What's your reasons to ctb if you don't mind me asking? I've been damaged from antidepressants and upon stopping have severe cognitive issues and am about 20 percent the person I was before taking them

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I found a few sources on the discord server.

I had issues finding it, would love a PM if that's allowed, sorry if not!

 

[Wistful]

I found a few sources on the discord server.

Discord server?

 

[msesis]

Honestly I think the SN-being-best-suicide-thing era is over, although personally I really don't think it was ever the easiest, most accessible, most reliable, cheapest substance/medication death possible, it's just that most of SaSu didn't look into alternatives/the alternatives were a bit more mysterious.

It's relatively peaceful compared to other methods where you'd be having panic attacks, intense pains, etc., but there are other methods that use different substances entirely that are quite similar in terms of peace/lack of pain before death. Before, what SN had over these was the price point and the accessibility, and maybe the reliability (although vomiting is common) but now, there really isn't much reason to go for it, quite frankly. It's an outdated method and there are far more accessible, reliable products on the market that literally anyone can buy that work far better than SN, it's just that they've hardly been looked into as viable methods because everyone was so fixated on SN.

Granted, I don't think I'll be able to say the method/methods that look to be better than SN out loud, but they definitely exist, and I would hope that anyone who is absolutely certain on committing suicide looks into them, because they're definitely out there and don't take as much effort to acquire as SN. Even the media is unaware of them.

Please do share, it's like dangling a carrot to say something like that and then not share the methods..