Venting Why is there no reason for wanting to ctb?

[Mistergeburt]

Most boring text you will ever read.

I want to start by saying that I should have a good life. I have a path, I have the skills, I have loving parents (although I don't really like them), there was no major bullying when I went to school, I'm also in my first real relationship (altough long distance) and everything should go be good. But it isn't. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like the world overwhelms me emotionally. I've been struggling for 8-9 years (since I was like 12-13). When I was around 17-18 it felt like my life got better when I was the loneliest. As I've always been socially anxious I'd always hope, someone talks to me, but that didn't happen so I had motivation to make myself more interesting. When I joined an online community and I wrote about my loneliness and all my emotions, I fell again. But this time it feels different and unfortunately worse.

I was feeling numb then, but now I can feel everything and I desperately wish the numbness to come back. I genuinely think about isolating myself again, so I have a reason to feel how I feel. Every day feels heavy for no reason. Even if I had no responsibility, I would be miserable - sometimes I would get to follow my plans/goals, but then I'm exhausted for a long time. I've also always hated myself. Apparently I said that I'm ugly and a worthless piece of shit in my young years and my mother would disagree with me and I stopped saying such things, but never stopped believing them. My girlfriend is the only person that makes me temporarily happy, but she might break up soon and I'm scared (the relationship is only 1mo old, but we've had a friendship for about 1.5 years before that).

But the method I've always dreamt of was CO. Or Pentobarbital, but that's like impossible to get. Now I'd also like SN as it seems to be easier to pull off. As I'm afraid of pain and "pressure discomfort", I would attampt other methods that may be more painful. When I first researched how to ctb these ways, I realized how hard it is to pull off when the country bans these chemicals for personal use. I also tried the darknet, but didn't find anything useful except cyanide pill providers, but cyanide pills are way too expensive.

I've wanted to ctb for a long time now and I have never had the feeling of "I'm so glad I hadn't ctb'd". I can distinguish between the impulsive want and a long-term thought. It's a mixture of both. I also feel like an imposter: "I'm just doing it for attention" and I have want to prove to myself that it's not just for attention and that I have to suffer quietly. "Others have it worse", "I'm just lazy", "I'm just weak", "I'm acting", .... My girlfriend knows about all of this and maybe that's the reason we formed a bond because she was also about to ctb and I was the only one being there for her.

Today I went looking for SN providers on the internet just to find that it's not up for sale for private customers (again). My girlfriend and I wanted to meet in about 3 weeks and my plan was/is that I'd ctb right after she leaves, but that's evil, isn't it. It's hard to imagine that someone can actually love me - and it's even harder when the person only really tells you this when you tell them first.

It also comforts me when I have the option to just end me whenever I want. And I feel uneasy when there is seemingly no way to end my suffering.

I guess my questions are:

• Why am I like this? Is this normal? How can I change?
• Is it possible to get my hands on SN in 3 weeks?
• Are there other methods to ctb I haven't heard about which are also pieceful?
• If you were in my shoes, what would you do? How would you get out of this non-existent mess? Have you got any advice?
• Can anyone relate?

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

I'm no doctor obviously, but maybe there's something physiological going on in your brain? Depression isn't only caused by trauma.

 

[Mistergeburt]

I'm no doctor obviously, but maybe there's something physiological going on in your brain? Depression isn't only caused by trauma.

Hmm, could be, but how would I know? And I don't even know if I have/had depression.

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

Hmm, could be, but how would I know? And I don't even know if I have/had depression.

Imo, you do sound like you have it. Everything you've described, including the desire to ctb without any event causing it, are depression symptoms.

 

[surface]

Hmm, could be, but how would I know? And I don't even know if I have/had depression.

Well I do think that you are depressed because I probably have similar experiences. What you have are depression symptoms as far as I know. The feeling of numbness, exhaustion from tasks, isolation and wanting to ctb it all feels like you have depression to me.

You can also look up the symptoms of depression online if it helps you want. And I am not sure if feeling like this is supposed to be *normal* but however you feel, I think its not a flaw because your feelings are real. And, I can't tell you much on how to improve your current situation either (and I'm really sorry for that I feel like this comment won't be of any use to you) but I do make sure if you have depression or not because it is possible for a lot of people to get better when they seek for help.

For the most part, I do relate. I have a good family, a few friends that I love more than my life and am glad that they love me too. my family has no financial difficulties. I feel numb to everything to happiness, to sadness, anger, love, everything. I show a lot of signs of depression. I want to ctb, I have never had the thought that I want this life. And I also feel like a poser from time to time but it never changed how I feel about life.

I wish that you can improve your situation and heal.

 

[Mistergeburt]

Well I do think that you are depressed because I probably have similar experiences. What you have are depression symptoms as far as I know. The feeling of numbness, exhaustion from tasks, isolation and wanting to ctb it all feels like you have depression to me.

You can also look up the symptoms of depression online if it helps you want. And I am not sure if feeling like this is supposed to be *normal* but however you feel, I think its not a flaw because your feelings are real. And, I can't tell you much on how to improve your current situation either (and I'm really sorry for that I feel like this comment won't be of any use to you) but I do make sure if you have depression or not because it is possible for a lot of people to get better when they seek for help.

For the most part, I do relate. I have a good family, a few friends that I love more than my life and am glad that they love me too. my family has no financial difficulties. I feel numb to everything to happiness, to sadness, anger, love, everything. I show a lot of signs of depression. I want to ctb, I have never had the thought that I want this life. And I also feel like a poser from time to time but it never changed how I feel about life.

I wish that you can improve your situation and heal.

Thank you so much for your answer!

I also hope that my situation will improve, but idk how realistic that is because nothing I thought fixed it. It's like a hole that never gets filled, no matter what.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation and can relate, but I wish you nothing, but the best and hope you'll also be able to heal!

 

[surface]

I also hope that my situation will improve, but idk how realistic that is because nothing I thought fixed it. It's like a hole that never gets filled, no matter what.

There is a chance of therapy or medication not working but for your situation I think its worth a try.
I have tried meditating. It makes my mind feel calm but it didn't help much with my depression. I didn't go to therapy or anything I'm only meditating because my mother made me do the course when I was 11.
You can try it too if you'd like to. It can sometimes help with mood regulation.
A lot of people want to ctb and for very valid reasons but I think its a really hard decision to make and I want you to make sure you have done everything possible for yourself. :)

 

[Mistergeburt]

There is a chance of therapy or medication not working but for your situation I think its worth a try.
I have tried meditating. It makes my mind feel calm but it didn't help much with my depression. I didn't go to therapy or anything I'm only meditating because my mother made me do the course when I was 11.
You can try it too if you'd like to. It can sometimes help with mood regulation.
A lot of people want to ctb and for very valid reasons but I think its a really hard decision to make and I want you to make sure you have done everything possible for yourself. :)

Thank you for your reply! I don't really meditate in the classical way, but I sometimes come in that state of mind, by just staring a the wall or the ceiling. My mood stays relatively consistent and to be honest my mind is pretty clear and I can regulate my behavior and emotions quite well in comparison to many others. I've also improved myself a lot and still do. I realize, that my thoughts are only thoughts and they are not always true and that my mind is often playing tricks on me, nevertheless I can't stop thinking about ctb and I think something is just missing, instead of there being something that needs to be changed/fixed.

But there might be blindspots, so therapy is definitely worth a try.

I hope, you'll get better and you find something that helps you <3

 

[surface]

Thank you for your reply! I don't really meditate in the classical way, but I sometimes come in that state of mind, by just staring a the wall or the ceiling. My mood stays relatively consistent and to be honest my mind is pretty clear and I can regulate my behavior and emotions quite well in comparison to many others. I've also improved myself a lot and still do. I realize, that my thoughts are only thoughts and they are not always true and that my mind is often playing tricks on me, nevertheless I can't stop thinking about ctb and I think something is just missing, instead of there being something that needs to be changed/fixed.

But there might be blindspots, so therapy is definitely worth a try.

I hope, you'll get better and you find something that helps you <3

I am very glad that you took your time to reply to both of my responses, it means a lot.

While mother initially encouraging me to meditate is true but just like you I don't meditate traditionally very often. I play a soft song and focus on the lyrics and instruments and I like to call it meditating because it gives me the same effects. I'm sure your way of meditating is also really effective because where I learned about meditating they told us that most people do not know how to focus or put the attention on themselves to actually meditate hence, the invention of guided meditation. It is really good to know that your mind is clear and you're aware of your behaviour and actions that's really healthy. Having a lot of thoughts is also something I can relate to. I have my mind telling me a lot of things and sometimes I also imagine a lot of displeasuring things then have the thought, "why did I think of that" haha. So, I understand how it must feel to have thought about ctb so often. But still, from what you have said I do think that you have a good chance of improving. You also work on yourself to be better that is really admirable and nice. Whatever it is that you think is missing I hope you find it. I also hope you can keep the relationship with your lover.

Thank you for saying that. I would really look like a hypocrite right now because I have been planning to ctb really soon, looking for reliable methods, but here I am trying to give you hope that your life might have some nice things to offer you. I do not lie when I say this though. I really wish you can have a good life. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

 

[Mistergeburt]

I am very glad that you took your time to reply to both of my responses, it means a lot.

Thank you for replying to my posts! It means a lot to me too.

While mother initially encouraging me to meditate is true but just like you I don't meditate traditionally very often. I play a soft song and focus on the lyrics and instruments and I like to call it meditating because it gives me the same effects. I'm sure your way of meditating is also really effective because where I learned about meditating they told us that most people do not know how to focus or put the attention on themselves to actually meditate hence, the invention of guided meditation.

Yeah, I see, I also do that - but mostly not with intent. I'm just too physically tired to do anything for no reason. Before I opened the site today I was in bed for 11 hours and finally had the energy to stand up, but just sat down in front of my computer (I need to write my bachelor's thesis, but I have no energy and I will fail because of this stupid lack of energy) and after staring at my desktop for like 10min, I just started listening to music and staring at the wall. And I do that a lot as any other activity either costs me too much energy or makes me feel worse after engaging in it (e.g. doom scrolling).

It is really good to know that your mind is clear and you're aware of your behaviour and actions that's really healthy.

Yes, I really feel like I'm quite a lot different from other people of my generation. Most people I meet can't focus or can't sit in silence.

Having a lot of thoughts is also something I can relate to. I have my mind telling me a lot of things and sometimes I also imagine a lot of displeasuring things then have the thought, "why did I think of that" haha. So, I understand how it must feel to have thought about ctb so often.

Ohh, I see, yeah, overthinking is somehow a double-edged sword. On the one hand I'm able to reflect deeply and read others, on the other hand I can't pause it and when thoughts are dark that can result in "not so pleasant" things. That's what my pfp is all about, head is burning from all that overthinking xD

But still, from what you have said I do think that you have a good chance of improving. You also work on yourself to be better that is really admirable and nice. Whatever it is that you think is missing I hope you find it. I also hope you can keep the relationship with your lover.

Thank you very much! I don't feel like any improvement worked to make me a happier person. It's like a hole that never gets filled. I hope so too, I mean, it seems like it works out, but as an anxiously attached person, I see every little thing as rejection, although my mind knows rationally that not everything is "rejection".

Thank you for saying that. I would really look like a hypocrite right now because I have been planning to ctb really soon, looking for reliable methods, but here I am trying to give you hope that your life might have some nice things to offer you. I do not lie when I say this though. I really wish you can have a good life. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

I'm sorry to hear that, but I really wish, you could have a happier life, but if you think ctb'ing is worth it, I hope everything goes as planned and I wish you good luck. Thank you, again! You're a good person!

 

[surface]

Yeah, I see, I also do that - but mostly not with intent. I'm just too physically tired to do anything for no reason. Before I opened the site today I was in bed for 11 hours and finally had the energy to stand up, but just sat down in front of my computer (I need to write my bachelor's thesis, but I have no energy and I will fail because of this stupid lack of energy) and after staring at my desktop for like 10min, I just started listening to music and staring at the wall. And I do that a lot as any other activity either costs me too much energy or makes me feel worse after engaging in it (e.g. doom scrolling).

I totally feel you. Yesterday I was meant to take a mock exam but all did was delay the work got up from bed really late, failed to revise the materials. Just wasted a whole lot of time then thought, "either shower or exam" and I found myself too tired after the shower to get out of my house.

Yes, I really feel like I'm quite a lot different from other people of my generation. Most people I meet can't focus or can't sit in silence.

I see that too. During my finals last year one of my friends were having so much hard time to focus and I never had friends until I 15 and I found it really surprising that many people can't hold their focus.

Ohh, I see, yeah, overthinking is somehow a double-edged sword. On the one hand I'm able to reflect deeply and read others, on the other hand I can't pause it and when thoughts are dark that can result in "not so pleasant" things. That's what my pfp is all about, head is burning from all that overthinking xD

I think I spend nearly every waking moment thinking of something its my studies, my friends, death. I don't try to stop my thoughts though if I did it would probably be a hard thing to do lol. I do like that I can think of things with a lot of depth.

Thank you very much! I don't feel like any improvement worked to make me a happier person. It's like a hole that never gets filled. I hope so too, I mean, it seems like it works out, but as an anxiously attached person, I see every little thing as rejection, although my mind knows rationally that not everything is "rejection".

I really hope that you can find something to fill the gaps in your life. My friend told me that we seek for love because the world breaks us so much.

You're a good person!

You're a good person too :)

 

[Mistergeburt]

I totally feel you. Yesterday I was meant to take a mock exam but all did was delay the work got up from bed really late, failed to revise the materials. Just wasted a whole lot of time then thought, "either shower or exam" and I found myself too tired after the shower to get out of my house.

I see that too. During my finals last year one of my friends were having so much hard time to focus and I never had friends until I 15 and I found it really surprising that many people can't hold their focus.

I think I spend nearly every waking moment thinking of something its my studies, my friends, death. I don't try to stop my thoughts though if I did it would probably be a hard thing to do lol. I do like that I can think of things with a lot of depth.

I really hope that you can find something to fill the gaps in your life. My friend told me that we seek for love because the world breaks us so much.

You're a good person too :)

Thank you for your replies Sorry to hear that, life's exhausting

I also don't try to stop them (mostly). But even under the influence of alcohol or weed, I can think as clearly as without them. But I take my thoughts less seriously, so if my thoughts are overwhelmingly negative I sometimes use alcohol to calm myself, but I'm aware that that isn't a good solution, especially not long-term. Fortunately it's very rare that I use drugs/alcohol.

Your friend may be right But I think there are other reasons too, especially because relationships can make life harder sometimes But I agree, sometimes love feels like the only thing that is inherently good and the thought of it gives so much peace, that it always seems like something to strive for. But in reality love is hard to find and/or comes with its own challenges (which are worth it imo, but if it's worth for the other person is another question).

Thank you <3 It was really nice chatting with you, hope I'll keep seeing you around here sometime.

 

[surface]

I also don't try to stop them (mostly). But even under the influence of alcohol or weed, I can think as clearly as without them. But I take my thoughts less seriously, so if my thoughts are overwhelmingly negative I sometimes use alcohol to calm myself, but I'm aware that that isn't a good solution, especially not long-term. Fortunately it's very rare that I use drugs/alcohol.

I'm happy that you have control over it. Someone I know uses weed and every time they do its like their brain stops working. It must feel miserable trying to escape from your negative thoughts like that.

But I think there are other reasons too, especially because relationships can make life harder sometimes But I agree, sometimes love feels like the only thing that is inherently good and the thought of it gives so much peace, that it always seems like something to strive for. But in reality love is hard to find and/or comes with its own challenges (which are worth it imo, but if it's worth for the other person is another question).

You're right people spend their whole life trying to find love and be loved in return. In a world like this love does feel like the only pure and selfless thing.

It was really nice chatting with you, hope I'll keep seeing you around here sometime.

Same to you. I hope I see you around too. Hope things get better for you.