Venting Why is life so unfair? Why was I born like this?

[merumeru]

I'm not religious or anything but I'm so fucking scared of where I'll go after I ctb. I've never been good at anything my whole life I sucked at studying sucked at any hobby I did anything I tried I was bad at. People gave up on me I posted on Reddit "is it over for me if I fail my entrance exam" and everyone was shaming me even after I deleted the post it made it even worse for me they said stuff like "your too stupid and you will never make it in life even if you had passed" I don't understand why people are so mean. I don't have any friends anymore the one person I thought was my "friend" doesn't even see me as a friend she just sees me as a backup friend for when she gets bored. And for me I wish I had some fucking self respect to say no. I'm only 18 but I feel like my life has already ended I failed to get into a university my parents kicked me out but I'm okay with it because as soon as they found out I failed they beat the shit out of me and kicked me out onto the streets so now I'm living off couch hopping and love hotels because I have money from my part time job. But i feel like such a waste I wasted my life I didn't work hard to study because I was depressed from being abused by my parents everyday I hate how some people are born into normal families while I have it bad. I wish I had done something with my life I used to have a bright future I used to like dancing and was scouted by some companies and my parents refused to let me join. Because they thought "studying is better" but now I always wonder what if I had went down a different path. Anyways I'm just venting my life story I probably won't be here soon at least not make it to December

 

[Ashu]

What do you think might happen to you after you die? What was your family's religion?

If you find that you aren't ready to kill yourself yet, will you be able to keep the job you have or get a better one?

 

[merumeru]

What do you think might happen to you after you die? What was your family's religion?

If you find that you aren't ready to kill yourself yet, will you be able to keep the job you have or get a better one?

My family followed Christianity and I remember during the early years of my life being forced to attend church with them and if I didn't they would beat my ass. So I didn't really believe in "god" because if god were real why am I living like this?. Right now I work at a cafe and earn minimum wage to pay for food and shower at love hotels I don't know what other job I can even qualify for.

 

[collapsenik]

hey. The shit that happened to you is not your fault. You're posting in recovery so that means you want to get better.
Any small choices you can make?
Also, I'm sure you're not stupid.

 

[starinthesky]

Don't let anyone conflate your intelligence with some academic bullshit. Some people are just good at pumping stuff into their brain. Trust me, I have seen actual idiots in my uni.

I hope things will get better for you.. People don't see the shit hand you have been dealt, so fuck them. You are neither worthless nor stupid.

 

[merumeru]

hey. The shit that happened to you is not your fault. You're posting in recovery so that means you want to get better.
Any small choices you can make?
Also, I'm sure you're not stupid.

Yeah it's not like I always wanted to die I really do want to get better but i can't. I don't even remember the last time I genuinely felt happy, everyday I always fantasize about hanging myself as a quick end to my pain but I'm always too scared to go through with it because what if I fail and end up like a vegetable then I'll be a burden for even more people

Don't let anyone conflate your intelligence with some academic bullshit. Some people are just good at pumping stuff into their brain. Trust me, I have seen actual idiots in my uni.

I hope things will get better for you.. People don't see the shit hand you have been dealt, so fuck them. You are neither worthless nor stupid.

Thanks for your kind words, it makes me feel a little better about myself after what everyone said about me I don't understand why some people are so quick to judge. I just wish my life had played out differently and I was born into a different life too then maybe I wouldn't be this way. I feel like everything is wasted because I couldn't pass the entrance exam I wasted my life and wasted my education and now I'm just existing with no purpose.

 

[collapsenik]

Is there social support or anything you can rely on where you live? Any organizations or support groups? I think you can really benefit from having people who are non judgemental around you.

 

[merumeru]

Is there social support or anything you can rely on where you live? Any organizations or support groups? I think you can really benefit from having people who are non judgemental around you.

Yeah there are but I'm just worried that they will send me to the mental hospital or something because I'm not in the best mental state right now and I always break down when I have to talk about it.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Hold it, you say you've never been good at anything but you also say you loved to dance and were scouted by some companies. That means you were good at it! Whose lies are you listening to ? Your parents because they do not want to see you succeed? Or others because they are jealous of you?

I had abusive parents who wanted to see me fail in life so I could be dependant on them and they could feel better about themselves and in control. I listened to their lies for way too long. Now it is too late for me. Don't be like me, don't listen to the lies, you are still young and there is plenty of time for you to dance and study and learn. Don't let your parents hold you back from enjoying life and taking your passion of dancing away from you. If I had money I'd take you in and protect and encourage and support you to be the woman that you can be.

It is very hard to be confident in ourselves when we don't have support from family or friends like many other do. But it can also build your inner strength and help you to support others in return. Try to believe in yourself while you are still young and find good things and people that will also help to build you up.

 

[Galam]

I am sorry that you have such parents and a life you prefer not to have. I know the feelings that comes with this. If I would get Nebutal or similar I would be long time gone.

There is zero reason other than fear of pain and failure to stay here. I just write my complains against some persons who abused me and then I want to go this year. I wanted to go early this year but was caged away into asylum and abused there and since then I am just alone and have not even really something to eat. I maybe wait to november because they want to realise Predator Badlands.

Don't know if I can survive this long here with internet because my income was cut off (welfare) and without internet I can't watch anything so I maybe try to go earlier but the only other method would be cutting the neck aterias while on Ibuprofen and perplexity wrote this would not really help with such a pain. I need morphin this would be better but I have no access to it. I don't want to wait for cardiac arrest.

Hold it, you say you've never been good at anything but you also say you loved to dance and were scouted by some companies. That means you were good at it! Whose lies are you listening to ? Your parents because they do not want to see you succeed? Or others because they are jealous of you?

I had abusive parents who wanted to see me fail in life so I could be dependant on them and they could feel better about themselves and in control. I listened to their lies for way too long. Now it is too late for me. Don't be like me, don't listen to the lies, you are still young and there is plenty of time for you to dance and study and learn. Don't let your parents hold you back from enjoying life and taking your passion of dancing away from you. If I had money I'd take you in and protect and encourage and support you to be the woman that you can be.

It is very hard to be confident in ourselves when we don't have support from family or friends like many other do. But it can also build your inner strength and help you to support others in return. Try to believe in yourself while you are still young and find good things and people that will also help to build you up.

Yea, I have a half-brother because my father abandoned his former partner (my mother) for a prettier one and they made this son and even collected some money so he can have a driver certification and a car. For me nobody collected and spend money, my mother gave everything to my older sister and I got nothing. I am just the younger sister and because I am uglier than both and more sensitiv it seems that many don't want to help me. In my case is misogyny, ableism (even from disabled and alcoholic parents) active. My father puts his life into his new slave***** and his son. I have my face and hairline mostly from my father, I was always bullyed for my body, insulted as ugly. Nobody showed any care, I don't have the support my ugly father and halfbrother has.