Why is it so hard to...function normally?

[Mouse_]

I don't know if anyone else has a similar experience. I've been recovering from probably my worst depressive episode to date for several months now. It's been a tough, tiring road to travel. And I'm angry.

On my good days, I genuinely want to get better. I make plans and exercise and promise myself to turn my life around. But it's just so...fragile, that state of mind. I feel like I'm made of glass. It takes one thing, one stupid thing gone wrong to make my day go to shit and for all my progress to be wiped out. And then I rage, cry, in both pain and frustration, wishing I'd never got out of bed. Wishing I'd just offed myself that night of one year ago.

It's frightening, how quickly things can go from "I'm pretty ok" to "suicidal again" in a matter of seconds. I was so used to being numb and hopeless that now I don't have the strength to face the problems of a normal life. And it makes me feel like a failure.

 

[WornOutLife]

This is exactly how I feel.
I have days when I wanna work out, work, have a healthy diet, etc but it's all a delusion because I end up in the depression zone again and I can barely leave my bed.

Whatever a normal person does, it's 10 times harder to do for me.

Anyway, I hope we can feel better and "stabilize" ourselves soon.

 

[Symbiote]

What's your definition of "normal"? No one is normal, if they were, they be robotic in nature. You do whatever you need to do in life that is "normal" to you and not by anyone else's standards. So my normal is go to work 8-5, talk with coworkers about work stuff, go home and cook dinner for wife. Before being married, my normal was play video games after work, go out on Saturday to the club, chit chat with a few people, and dance my ass off cause it felt good, then leave the club alone. Anything else that was positive during the day/night was a bonus.

Wake up the next day, all new clean slate and whatever shit that happened the previous day is gone. Until I married a person that reminded me everyday of my flaws....

 

[Mouse_]

What's your definition of "normal"? No one is normal, if they were, they be robotic in nature. You do whatever you need to do in life that is "normal" to you and not by anyone else's standards. So my normal is go to work 8-5, talk with coworkers about work stuff, go home and cook dinner for wife. Before being married, my normal was play video games after work, go out on Saturday to the club, chit chat with a few people, and dance my ass off cause it felt good, then leave the club alone. Anything else that was positive during the day/night was a bonus.

Wake up the next day, all new clean slate and whatever shit that happened the previous day is gone. Until I married a person that reminded me everyday of my flaws....

By normal I mean everyday life. Productive days. Days when I leave my house and I got enough strenght to do more than lay in my bad all day. Yes, normal is subjective, but I still remember what it felt like to me.

 

[tra]

I can relate. I am a total perfectionist and I get incredibly frustrated, mad at myself if I am unable to reach my ridiculous standards. On my good days I dream of reaching a better life and my imagined "full potential" soon, only to be crushed by depression later and be reminded of what a failure I am.

I think we have to accept the fact that we are ill and that our capabilities are limited for now. It is important to find strategies on how to handle bad days and cherish the good days just as a good day, not getting disappointed when we realise that we were indeed not suddenly magically cured.

Be kind to yourself and take your time to heal. Sometimes the greatest win is to have brushed your teeth after not having been able to get out of bed all day.

 

[Mouse_]

I can relate. I am a total perfectionist and I get incredibly frustrated, mad at myself if I am unable to reach my ridiculous standards. On my good days I dream of reaching a better life and my imagined "full potential" soon, only to be crushed by depression later and be reminded of what a failure I am.

Oh, don't get me started on the "reaching my full potential" thing, it's been the bane of my entire existence. Anything short of great may as well be shit, and my parents were so used to me being 'a gifted child' in the past that I think my going off the rails hit them doubly hard - and myself as well. But they had other kids to worry about, and in the end they left me behind.

But you're right, take it day by day seems like the best route, if I can get into my thick head that failure isn't indicative of my value as a human being, and that some days "failure" is just me doing my best.

 

[tra]

Oh, don't get me started on the "reaching my full potential" thing, it's been the bane of my entire existence. Anything short of great may as well be shit, and my parents were so used to me being 'a gifted child' in the past that I think my going off the rails hit them doubly hard - and myself as well. But they had other kids to worry about, and in the end they left me behind.

But you're right, take it day by day seems like the best route, if I can get into my thick head that failure isn't indicative of my value as a human being, and that some days "failure" is just me doing my best.

I was a gifted child as well and used to be so ahead for my age. School was so easy that I never learned how to learn. Now, at least academically, I have completely fallen behind. The people I went to school with have gone to university while I did even not graduate with my native country's highest school diploma that I would need to go study.

I try not think about what could be but it is difficult. What helps is to surround yourself with people who have similiar stories and realise that it is fine to not take the short way or even a completely different route. A lot of people struggle, and we are allowed to struggle too.

This is not a realistic solution for a lot of people and I am lucky to have had the option, but leaving my country has helped me. Although adapting to a foreign country and learning a new language is a struggle, it at least does not hurt my stupid ego that much and gives me a break that I can somewhat rationalise. I am not gifted or highly intelligent anymore, but at least - for my age - I think I have learned a lot about life and myself.

I hope that your parents are supporting you nevertheless. Also, there is community on reddit called /r/aftergifted that you might can relate to.

failure isn't indicative of my value as a human being, and that some days "failure" is just me doing my best.

Yes! You said it way more eloquently than I could, haha.

 

[Mouse_]

I was a gifted child as well and used to be so ahead for my age. School was so easy that I never learned how to learn. Now, at least academically, I have completely fallen behind. The people I went to school with have gone to university while I did even not graduate with my native country's highest school diploma that I would need to go study.

I try not think about what could be but it is difficult. What helps is to surround yourself with people who have similiar stories and realise that it is fine to not take the short way or even a completely different route. A lot of people struggle, and we are allowed to struggle too.

This is not a realistic solution for a lot of people and I am lucky to have had the option, but leaving my country has helped me. Although adapting to a foreign country and learning a new language is a struggle, it at least does not hurt my stupid ego that much and gives me a break that I can somewhat rationalise. I am not gifted or highly intelligent anymore, but at least - for my age - I think I have learned a lot about life and myself.

I hope that your parents are supporting you nevertheless. Also, there is community on reddit called /r/aftergifted that you might can relate to.



Yes! You said it way more eloquently than I could, haha.

Thank you, I've really appreciated your kind replies :) and I'll be checking that subreddit as well

Leaving my country permanently isn't on the table for me, but one of the reasons I like travelling abroad - some times for long periods, doing seasonal work for example - is that I get to remove myself from my own preconceptions. I've done it in the past and I'll keep doing it.

It's real wisdom, btw, accepting that you aren't going to be "the best" and being grateful for the experience and wisdom you earned in exange for a not so straightforward path. I'll have to reflect on that.

 

[Spiral]

What's your definition of "normal"? No one is normal, if they were, they be robotic in nature. You do whatever you need to do in life that is "normal" to you and not by anyone else's standards. So my normal is go to work 8-5, talk with coworkers about work stuff, go home and cook dinner for wife. Before being married, my normal was play video games after work, go out on Saturday to the club, chit chat with a few people, and dance my ass off cause it felt good, then leave the club alone. Anything else that was positive during the day/night was a bonus.

Wake up the next day, all new clean slate and whatever shit that happened the previous day is gone. Until I married a person that reminded me everyday of my flaws....

That is what I dream of when I think of normal. Normal people do THINGS. It doesn't matter what the things are, they just do them and they are able to consistently maintain a routine and continue to do things for long periods of time.

I am not normal, I haven't opened my mouth to speak or make any sound other than a sneeze for almost a year, I am so agoraphobic that I am not even able to walk around my whole house, I stay in just two rooms. I cant use a telephone or go outside because my anxiety is through the roof. I can't physically be around people, hear their tone of voice when they speak to me or use video chat because I have psychosis that makes me know what they are thinking which is really anxiety-inducing.
I can make myself start watching a tv show or reading a book but I can't concentrate enough to get to the end.
Being not normal sucks xD

You are not alone mouse, it is really hard trying to be normal when we just don't function normally.

 

[Isisnefert]

No sé si alguien más tiene una experiencia similar. Me he estado recuperando de probablemente mi peor episodio depresivo hasta la fecha durante varios meses. Ha sido un camino difícil y agotador de recorrer. Y estoy enojado.

En mis días buenos, realmente quiero mejorar. Hago planes, hago ejercicio y me prometo a mí mismo cambiar mi vida. Pero es tan ... frágil, ese estado mental. Me siento como si estuviera hecho de vidrio. Solo hace falta una cosa, una cosa estúpida que salió mal para hacer que mi día se convierta en una mierda y que todo mi progreso desaparezca. Y luego me enfado, lloro, tanto de dolor como de frustración, deseando no haberme levantado nunca de la cama. Ojalá me acabara de quitar esa noche de hace un año.

Es aterrador lo rápido que las cosas pueden pasar de "Estoy bastante bien" a "suicidarse de nuevo" en cuestión de segundos. Estaba tan acostumbrado a estar insensible y desesperado que ahora no tengo la fuerza para enfrentar los problemas de una vida normal. Y me hace sentir como un fracaso

I don't know if anyone else has a similar experience. I've been recovering from probably my worst depressive episode to date for several months now. It's been a tough, tiring road to travel. And I'm angry.

On my good days, I genuinely want to get better. I make plans and exercise and promise myself to turn my life around. But it's just so...fragile, that state of mind. I feel like I'm made of glass. It takes one thing, one stupid thing gone wrong to make my day go to shit and for all my progress to be wiped out. And then I rage, cry, in both pain and frustration, wishing I'd never got out of bed. Wishing I'd just offed myself that night of one year ago.

It's frightening, how quickly things can go from "I'm pretty ok" to "suicidal again" in a matter of seconds. I was so used to being numb and hopeless that now I don't have the strength to face the problems of a normal life. And it makes me feel like a failure.

I have these same feelings often, in the same day I can feel strong to try to get ahead and a few hours later to objectively analyze the situation and look to the future face to face and the only conclusion is ctb again, I am in this cycle every day.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

This is exactly how I'm feeling. Always going in waves. Nothing even has to happen, just a memory can throw me off and there are times when I seem to go down for no reason at all. I just wake up one day after being fairly motivated (for me) for a bit and can barely get out of bed for a week or two. I wish my good waves would last long enough for me to get something done that will improve my situation. I always spend it on practicing guitar and writing songs, messaging back everyone I've been ghosting. By the time I'm ready to take the next step, like finding a decent job with health insurance, I go back down again. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too.

 

[Mouse_]

I always spend it on practicing guitar and writing songs, messaging back everyone I've been ghosting. By the time I'm ready to take the next step, like finding a decent job with health insurance, I go back down again

Yes! It's always one step forward, two steps back! Sorry I've been avoiding you, watch me disappear again now

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

On my good days, I genuinely want to get better. I make plans and exercise and promise myself to turn my life around. But it's just so...fragile, that state of mind. I feel like I'm made of glass. It takes one thing, one stupid thing gone wrong to make my day go to shit and for all my progress to be wiped out.

Something like this happened to me today. Yesterday I was so ready to take on this week. I was gonna clean my room and get a bunch of other small things I've been putting off done but today when I woke up it's like a drain sucked up all my energy and now I can't even be bothered to get out of bed at 3 pm. I hate it. Now I don't even want to do anything and I can't figure out why.

 

[muffin222]

I'm in the exact same boat. I have days of waking up motivated to fight my way through the darkness and create a happy life for myself, only to plunge back into a deep depressive state again shortly thereafter.

Sometimes the waves seem completely random, too, which frustrates me.

If I could understand why I swing from one extreme to the other, then I'd feel as though I could predict it and manage the cycles more effectively. But, the highs and lows seem so unpredictable most of the time. I hope all of us struggling with this find a pathway to healing.

Real recovery is much more challenging and non-linear than it sounds on paper, unfortunately. It truly is a tiring journey of two steps forward and one step back, over and over again until we finally reach that space of relative peace and balance in life.

 

[Marktheghost]

Yep. I'm like this too. Life Existence just doesn't seem worth it; that's about the only reason I can think of why it's so hard to do things. I've completely lost the will to live.