"trying everything" is just too hard

[orpheus_]

I generally agree with the statement that one should try every option of possible recovery before deciding to CTB (if they're able to try them, of course). I want to do that, at least on my better days (haha) because in the worse ones I'm just too tired... But in general, I want to try. But that's just too fucking hard, like.. I've been trying to find a therapist for over a year. Most days I can't even bring myself to look for one. When I finally can, I realize it's impossible for me to find the right person.

- typical CBT/DBT techniques do not work on me. I know all that stuff. Figured it all out when I was younger to survive but it simply doesn't help anymore. My brain is more fucked up than that. And most therapists simply do not offer you anything more.

- I am trans, and most therapists in my country have no fucking idea about "how trans people work". Some are straight up transphobic. Others act good-intentioned, but in reality treat you like some exotic species, not like a person. Finding a therapist who can work with trans people is fucking russian roulette.

- I am suicidal and I self harm. I noticed that unexperienced, young therapists are VERY scared of mentions of suicidality and self-harm, and will send you to a psych ward if they have any implication that you have an intention of harming yourself. And like yeah I get it, legal responsibility, a therapist is bound to send you to ward if you say you are going to try to CTB. But experienced professionals know that being suicidal does not equal that you're going to do it *just now*. Of course I don't plan on being 100% honest about my ideation with the potential therapist (telling them I have a plan already would be plain stupid lol) but I need to be able to speak about being suicidal and self harming eventually, because both are not just the consequence, but also a cause of my problems

- I have a very hard time trusting people and tend to automatically be scared of some because of their looks. I know it's stupid. I try not to judge people and generally overcome it in "normal" relationships (or at least I tried when I talked to anyone haha) but with a therapist you need to be able to trust that person with more personal stuff, so it's harder. Basically anyone that looks "too normal" or "too conventionally attractive" scares me because my entire life I was bullied for being "weird". Lol that sounds ridiculous. But that's just how fucked up my brain is. Also I can't work with a male therapist because in my mind "any man will see me as something different from him, therefore see me as a woman" (I'm a trans man and very insecure about it). Yes I know it's stupid and ridiculous, but I'm not able to change that subconscious prejudice at the moment

I do know that I have to lower my standards but I already did it and this is the lowest I will go. I am too tired and too poor to keep trying random therapists in hope of finding the right one. It's pointless.

Another option is medication, but I'm reluctant towards it for many reasons. One is that I heard literal horror stories about how it not only didn't help people, but permanently fucked up their brains. Side effects scare me. I don't even know if medication is an option for me because I don't know if I'm "sick". I don't know if I have depression because I never tried to get diagnosed. I'm scared to see a psychiatrist because I am terrified of making a fool of myself. What if I'm just convincing myself I'm sick to give myself hope that there's a "cure"? Maybe I am just a regular, mentally healthy person who realized the meaninlessness of life. I honestly feel like I'm not made to be alive. I don't see the point in living. I don't know why I even want to keep trying, probably because I have strong survival instinct and also "the most ironic case of FOMO" (as someone on this forum once described their situation... I don't remember who it was, but it sounds like me too) aka I'm scared that I will abandon my life although it can be good.

 

[LittleJem]

For suicidality and self harm it is worth trying medication. Seeing life as pointless is a symptom of depression. I think everyone has different symptoms of depression. I could never tick all of them. I've decided suicidal thoughts and misery are enough to call what I have depression. I've had other symptoms too…In the past it confused me as I didn't have all of them but now I think there are different types and different experiences of depression.

If you have fomo/not ready to leave then you may as well try everything.

It sounds like you need a specialist/recommended therapist. If you are UK based there are some here:

Find Transgender Counsellors and Therapists in England - Psychology Today

Find the Right Transgender Counsellor in England - Kathryn Fox, MSc, BACP; Aris Papaefstathiou, MBACP; Nikki Howes, MA, MBACP; Lynette Brice (In Safe Hands Counselling), MBACP; T4T Counselling, MBACP; Dr Graham Leslie Peveller, PhD; Jo Palmer, MBACP; Transitions Counselling & Consultancy, MBACP...

www.psychologytoday.com

With medication, the worst side effects are rare so I think it's always worth trying.

 

[TuttiFrutti]

I can relate to a lot of the things you said. CBT not working, being a social minority (other than being neurodivergent), the trust issues and fear of hospitalization. It's understandable, and I don't think anything you said is stupid or ridiculous.

This doesn't have to be where you have to start. Maybe you could start with group therapy or support groups? I don't know much about them, but from what I know there are free or cheap ones, and you won't have to share too much. Therefore full trust isn't expected from you right away, and maybe it could build up overtime. I'm the meanwhile you can listen to what the therapist says to people who might be facing the same issues that you are. And if you like the therapist enough you could ask for 1 on 1 sessions.

It's just a suggestion, it might not help but I hope you can find something.

On another note, you're right about being skeptical of medication. Psychiatrists usually hand them out without explaining potential side effects or long-term impact on patients so you should do your research before deciding if you want to take them or not. I found that I don't like the numbing effect that SSRIs give so it's not really worth it for me…

 

[orpheus_]

For suicidality and self harm it is worth trying medication. Seeing life as pointless is a symptom of depression. I think everyone has different symptoms of depression. I could never tick all of them. I've decided suicidal thoughts and misery are enough to call what I have depression. I've had other symptoms too…In the past it confused me as I didn't have all of them but now I think there are different types and different experiences of depression.

If you have fomo/not ready to leave then you may as well try everything.

It sounds like you need a specialist/recommended therapist. If you are UK based there are some here:

Find Transgender Counsellors and Therapists in England - Psychology Today

Find the Right Transgender Counsellor in England - Kathryn Fox, MSc, BACP; Aris Papaefstathiou, MBACP; Nikki Howes, MA, MBACP; Lynette Brice (In Safe Hands Counselling), MBACP; T4T Counselling, MBACP; Dr Graham Leslie Peveller, PhD; Jo Palmer, MBACP; Transitions Counselling & Consultancy, MBACP...

www.psychologytoday.com

With medication, the worst side effects are rare so I think it's always worth trying.

Thank you! I kinda want to try the meds, my friend promised to help me book a psychiatrist. But I'm still really scared of the appointment. I guess I will see if it does anything.
I am not in the UK, but thanks anyway!

I can relate to a lot of the things you said. CBT not working, being a social minority (other than being neurodivergent), the trust issues and fear of hospitalization. It's understandable, and I don't think anything you said is stupid or ridiculous.

This doesn't have to be where you have to start. Maybe you could start with group therapy or support groups? I don't know much about them, but from what I know there are free or cheap ones, and you won't have to share too much. Therefore full trust isn't expected from you right away, and maybe it could build up overtime. I'm the meanwhile you can listen to what the therapist says to people who might be facing the same issues that you are. And if you like the therapist enough you could ask for 1 on 1 sessions.

It's just a suggestion, it might not help but I hope you can find something.

On another note, you're right about being skeptical of medication. Psychiatrists usually hand them out without explaining potential side effects or long-term impact on patients so you should do your research before deciding if you want to take them or not. I found that I don't like the numbing effect that SSRIs give so it's not really worth it for me…

Support groups are another option.. but not for me, I think. I'm very much scared of people and afraid of being judged to an enormous extent. Even by people who face the same problems. But thank you nonetheless.
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Sending hugs, I hope you will find your way out of this!!