Venting why is it so hard to die

[Aleksandra]

ive done countless methods and i failed them all. i tried helium and plastic bag yesterday, i woke up to my ex partner shaking me, all my previous od's didn't work either. but because of yesterday, i have no money now to try something else. at this point i'm starting to eye up my cocodamol pills. i know paracetamol is a nasty way to die though. could anyone tell me if i'd die to 102 8mg codeine / 492mg paracetamol and about 30-40 100mg sertraline pills? main reason why i haven't yet is because i'm scared i'll just vomit it all out or chicken out because i have a really low pain tolerance. please help me, i'm so sick of living.

 

[woxihuanni]

Somebody better informed will pop along soon I suppose, but stay strong until a safe plan presents itself. Hugs

 

[Aleksandra]

Somebody better informed will pop along soon I suppose, but stay strong until a safe plan presents itself. Hugs

thank you for responding anyway. i'm crying in bed and that was really comforting in itself to read

 

[woxihuanni]

thank you for responding anyway. i'm crying in bed and that was really comforting in itself to read

You are very welcome, pm if you would like to talk.

 

[oopswronglife]

chicken out

First....duck on chicken bigotry is not cool ;)

Second...its not cowardly or a weakness to not be able to end the only thing you know. This idea that it is the easy way out as ridiculous stuff people who need to deny the suffering or blame victims. Ending our life is probably the hardest thing any of us will ever face doing. Mechanically there are sure fire ways to do it...but emotionally, mentally it's the worst thing to have to encounter.

One thing I am positive about after experiencing these feelings...and seeing others come and go...is when you "cannot take another moment" or are in some crisis is the worst time to attempt and is highly likely to result in failure. It leads to desperate methods and attempts. Overdoses are things of TV and movie fantasy. They hardly EVER work. We always think we cannot stand it another day...when we are here another day. It doesn't mean we aren't hurting and that we don't want it to stop...it just means things aren't AS desperate in the moment that we feel they are. So if when you get to tomorrow....and the next tomorrow...even when calm as can be you just cannot live...then you plan and be smart about it. Maybe you have to act. Maybe you keep having tomorrows. But being in a panic...even one with valid reasons...never results in a good outcome unless you are just lucky.

 

[Aleksandra]

You are very welcome, pm if you would like to talk.

unfortunately i don't think i'm allowed to pm yet. but i'm just having a really hard time because my partner left me. we have been living together a year and he can't handle my mental health issues anymore. he just moved out and i have 6 days till my lease ends. i suffer with bpd with psychotic traits, cptsd and anxiety. i'm 19 but have had all this since i was around 7. my heart, hurts. my mental health team has abandoned me because i was at work and couldn't answer ONE phone call. i quit my job a month ago out of impulse, and now i'm a walking shell. i just really want this misery over with already. :(

 

[woxihuanni]

It's so many different kinds of pain to deal with all at the same time, and for so long. Do you have any support network where you live, family or friends?

 

[Aleksandra]

First....duck on chicken bigotry is not cool ;)

Second...its not cowardly or a weakness to not be able to end the only thing you know. This idea that it is the easy way out as ridiculous stuff people who need to deny the suffering or blame victims. Ending our life is probably the hardest thing any of us will ever face doing. Mechanically there are sure fire ways to do it...but emotionally, mentally it's the worst thing to have to encounter.

One thing I am positive about after experiencing these feelings...and seeing others come and go...is when you "cannot take another moment" or are in some crisis is the worst time to attempt and is highly likely to result in failure. It leads to desperate methods and attempts. We always think we cannot stand it another day...when we are here another day. It doesn't mean we aren't hurting and that we don't want it to stop...it just means things aren't AS desperate in the moment that we feel they are. So if when you get to tomorrow....and the next tomorrow...even when calm as can be you just cannot live...then you plan and be smart about it. Maybe you have to act. Maybe you keep having tomorrows. But being in a panic...even one with valid reasons...never results in a good outcome unless you are just lucky.

i cant fight this battle with my mental health anymore. even typing all this i'm just whimpering in tears. each passing day just hurts more. now i'm all alone.

It's so many different kinds of pain to deal with all at the same time, and for so long. Do you have any support network where you live, family or friends?

my family blocked me since i left, they were abusive i couldn't turn to them. i cut all my friends off and as i live in a different city since last year i don't really know anyone here. so i turned to reddit for support, didn't really get any and now i'm here. my life sounds so sad haha

 

[oopswronglife]

i cant fight this battle with my mental health anymore. even typing all this i'm just whimpering in tears. each passing day just hurts more. now i'm all alone.

I know. I know that feeling. And I know this sounds like bullshit when you feel that way...but you CAN. You don't want to...rightly so. But you CAN. That's the truth you have to believe because even if this is really it for you in the big picture and you won't last a week...being in crisis mode just makes it worse. You cannot make good and effective plans when so desperate. We've all been there. You have to get past the moment...the crisis...however you can. Distraction...meds....whatever. Crisis is the worst time to act as not only are we not thinking clearly enough to even act effectively....we make mistakes in doing so. Sometimes people get the crisis calmed and are still resolved to ctb...sometimes they keep going. But you can only really know once the flames are put out either through action or time....and then see if you can manage the smokey stink and mess. I mean of course anyone can find a way to end their life even in crisis....but the chances of it being miserable and failing go way up. We deserve better than that even if we cannot live.

I've been there where I thought my chest would explode and I couldn't stop crying and I KNEW I could not last another day....days come and go...weeks...years....I was wrong every single time I said I COULD NOT. That doesn't mean it gets better always or life is amazing. It just proves what we think is a fact isn't always true. It doesn't mean someone SHOULDN'T ctb if they choose to...it means we don't HAVE to in the moment we believe we HAVE to.

 

[woxihuanni]

i cant fight this battle with my mental health anymore. even typing all this i'm just whimpering in tears. each passing day just hurts more. now i'm all alone.

my family blocked me since i left, they were abusive i couldn't turn to them. i cut all my friends off and as i live in a different city since last year i don't really know anyone here. so i turned to reddit for support, didn't really get any and now i'm here. my life sounds so sad haha

Fuck them all, we will try and see what can be done at this point. So you are where you are for six days, and then absolutely nowhere to go?

 

[Aleksandra]

Fuck them all, we will try and see what can be done at this point. So you are where you are for six days, and then absolutely nowhere to go?

yeah.. if i'm honest with you, i'd ought to die than become homeless. my council won't help me. and technically i would be classed as high risk because of my mental health issues but they ignored that. i have six days of dying in the comfort of my own home. not on the streets, i'm sorry my writing is such a mess, i can't stop crying

I know. I know that feeling. And I know this sounds like bullshit when you feel that way...but you CAN. You don't want to...rightly so. But you CAN. That's the truth you have to believe because even if this is really it for you in the big picture and you won't last a week...being in crisis mode just makes it worse. You cannot make good and effective plans when so desperate. We've all been there. You have to get past the moment...the crisis...however you can. Distraction...meds....whatever. Crisis is the worst time to act as not only are we not thinking clearly enough to even act effectively....we make mistakes in doing so. Sometimes people get the crisis calmed and are still resolved to ctb...sometimes they keep going. But you can only really know once the flames are put out either through action or time....and then see if you can manage the smokey stink and mess. I mean of course anyone can find a way to end their life even in crisis....but the chances of it being miserable and failing go way up. We deserve better than that even if we cannot live.

I've been there where I thought my chest would explode and I couldn't stop crying and I KNEW I could not last another day....days come and go...weeks...years....I was wrong every single time I said I COULD NOT. That doesn't mean it gets better always or life is amazing. It just proves what we think is a fact isn't always true. It doesn't mean someone SHOULDN'T ctb if they choose to...it means we don't HAVE to in the moment we believe we HAVE to.

i'm at that stage of my life where i no longer want to recover or even attempt to get better, which is why i don't want to waste anyone's time here like yours trying to save it. i've tried in the past but i can't do it anymore. i've spent the last month or two researching viable methods of suicide and i'm really disheartened that OD is hard. when i know a lot of mutual friends have done it and died overnight, yet everyone says it takes 3 days and excruciating pain. sigh

 

[woxihuanni]

Ssh, don't apologise, your writing is just fine. Have you looked at all the method mega-threads/resources, anything you could see as doable? Don't just eat a handful of pills, you will probably not die and you can end up damaged. There needs to be a safe way.

 

[oopswronglife]

yeah.. if i'm honest with you, i'd ought to die than become homeless. my council won't help me

Potentially solvable things should be addressed first. Housing is your immediate issue. Most of your feelings are coming from the stress of facing homelessness. So let's work on that. You can always ctb later in a nice flat if you NEED to. But don't let a possibly short term problem push you there when there are enough long term ones already crushing you. What country are you in if you will say? I am guesing UK by the use of "council"?

Your goal today should be to secure housing...not ctb. Remove all solvable problems first...and then see if the truly unsolvable ones are tolerable or intolerable. You won't lose anything by trying if you are going to be dead anyway. Get yourself into as stable a situation as possible so you can then plan whatever comes without the desperation.

 

[ProlongedSentence]

If you figure out a way let me know. I have failed countless times since my preteens. I am nearing half a century now of this "living" HELL
Honestly people who want so seriously out for so long should be given a WAY out.

 

[Aleksandra]

Potentially solvable things should be addressed first. Housing is your immediate issue. Most of your feelings are coming from the stress of facing homelessness. So let's work on that. You can always ctb later in a nice flat if you NEED to. But don't let a short term problem push you there. What country are you in if you will say? I am guesing UK by the use of "council"?

yes i'm based in the uk, and most of my feelings aren't based on that, i was homeless once before when i was 15 and honestly i'd rather here. it has a lot of sentimental feelings. even when i'm drinking i find myself feeling the warmth of someone who isn't in love with me anymore. thank you for your suggestions but i think i'm over fixing any immediate issues, i just want out

If you figure out a way let me know. I have failed countless times since my preteens. I am nearing half a century now of this "living" HELL
Honestly people who want so seriously out for so long should be given a WAY out.

me and you both. my first attempt was when i was 13 on prescription codeine. all i did was sleep in the hospital and was given liquid magnesium. then 16, i attempted like 12 times and 18-19 (now) more than i can count. yet i keep failing and i keep waking up. i remember reading somewhere that when the roman empire were in power, all you had to do was sign something if you wanted to die and off you went.

 

[oopswronglife]

thank you for your suggestions but i think i'm over fixing any immediate issues, i just want out

I get it...all I am saying is whatever way you go...live or die...dealing with the immediate is going to make either path easier. You have immediate issues...housing. Let's try to work on that first. Isn't it worth trying to make even leaving the world easier if thats a MUST for you? From a practical point of view...even if you are 100% resigned to dying and nothing can change it...you have nothing to lose by trying to make that as safe and assured as possible. Scrambling around on someone else's deadline trying to find a proverbial sharp enough stick or hard enough rock to bash your own head in is folly and destined for failure. Put the flames out before stringing up the rope or they will burn through the rope and make things worse. Crispy, burned duck isn't a good way to go.

 

[Aleksandra]

I get it...all I am saying is whatever way you go...live or die...dealing with the immediate is going to make either path easier. You have immediate issues...housing. Let's try to work on that first. Isn't it worth trying to make even leaving the world easier if thats a MUST for you? From a practical point of view...even if you are 100% resigned to dying and nothing can change it...you have nothing to lose by trying to make that as safe and assured as possible.

i've tried to get housing, only to be rejected by the council and the ymca. went to citizens advice and they couldn't help me either. i've tried all this over the course of the last 6 months. even with a books worth of documents, i was rejected pip too, they expect me to wait two years to go and appeal for it in court when i needed it then (now). i know you're trying to help, and really i appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

 

[oopswronglife]

i know you're trying to help, and really i appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

And I know it can be annoying when you feel you've tried everything and people suggest those things or the obvious. This is meant to be a place of openness and choice so I am not trying to pressure you to live at all costs if you are sure you cannot. Only that we often aren't honest with ourselves about what we can and cannot do and how those choices can affect either path. You aren't likely to arrange a nice peaceful exit in a few days so its beneficial to try and give yourself the time and stability for either choice.

I am assuming from your name you are from PL? Do you have anyone there you can lean on or go back to since it seems you don't in the UK?

 

[Aleksandra]

Ssh, don't apologise, your writing is just fine. Have you looked at all the method mega-threads/resources, anything you could see as doable? Don't just eat a handful of pills, you will probably not die and you can end up damaged. There needs to be a safe way.

i have and a lot of them seem quite pricey. :( i thought about the SN one but i can't have anything delivered to my house. also the costs of anti nausea meds, i know it sounds selfish, but the last thing i want is to feel physical pain along with what i'm feeling now. thank you for speaking with me

And I know it can be annoying when you feel you've tried everything and people suggest those things or the obvious. This is meant to be a place of openness and choice so I am not trying to pressure you to live at all costs if you are sure you cannot. Only that we often aren't honest with ourselves about what we can and cannot do and how those choices can affect either path.

I am assuming from your name you are from PL? Do you have anyone there you can lean on or go back to since it seems you don't in the UK?

i moved to the uk when i was around 4, and my polish family want nothing to do with me, the only person who cared/still cares about me is my ex. he just can't help me in terms of anything else except emotional support. but that's the worst thing, you want to be comforted by those who hurt you the most

 

[woxihuanni]

i have and a lot of them seem quite pricey. :( i thought about the SN one but i can't have anything delivered to my house. also the costs of anti nausea meds, i know it sounds selfish, but the last thing i want is to feel physical pain along with what i'm feeling now. thank you for speaking with me

It's not selfish at all, why should you feel any more pain? There must be some more UK-based users, maybe they can think of something that I cannot. Argh, the UK is not helping her citizens who need it the most!

 

[Aleksandra]

It's not selfish at all, why should you feel any more pain? There must be some more UK-based users, maybe they can think of something that I cannot. Argh, the UK is not helping her citizens who need it the most!

i just know a lot of people would do anything to die, even if it means physical pain, i can't do that because i'm weak. but many interpret it as me not actually wanting to die. i don't know..:(

 

[woxihuanni]

i just know a lot of people would do anything to die, even if it means physical pain, i can't do that because i'm weak. but many interpret it as me not actually wanting to die. i don't know..:(

Hush, hush you are a strong young woman. Those people who think that would not be able to deal with what you have dealt with. Nobody has to like pain, it is OK. This forum would not exist if everybody was OK with any violent painful method.

 

[oopswronglife]

i moved to the uk when i was around 4, and my polish family want nothing to do with me, the only person who cared/still cares about me is my ex. he just can't help me in terms of anything else except emotional support. but that's the worst thing, you want to be comforted by those who hurt you the most

I understand that intimately. I think most people who suffer have been abandoned quite a lot and that just sinks you more. I don't want to you feel like I am beating a dead horse so I won't keep pleading, just to say if there is any doubt or will to survive try calling things like Crisis UK https://www.crisis.org.uk/get-help/ and any resources you can to try and sort the immediate living issue. I know how it beats you down to be rejected everywhere. No matter what you ultimately do it benefits you to stabilize today's emergencies if you can find a way.

And you aren't weak...you are human. You want the pain to stop. Nothing about that is wrong or invalid or cowardly or any of it. It sucks plain and simple and I am sorry we cannot solve it for you with a snap.

 

[Dystopia]

You would probably end up throwing up and damaging your liver from the paracetamol; coma/serotonin syndrome from the sertraline overdose.

It's not a good idea to impulsively take any pills you have but I relate to how you're feeling.

I think even if you did a cold water extraction of the pills to remove the paracetamol ~800mg of codeine is only slightly likely to cause death and a lot of itching due to histamine release

 

[oopswronglife]

only slightly likely to cause death and a lot of itching

I think itching to death sounds like one of the worst ways to die. I am scratching my itchy head right now annoyingly.

 

[Aleksandra]

Hush, hush you are a strong young woman. Those people who think that would not be able to deal with what you have dealt with. Nobody has to like pain, it is OK. This forum would not exist if everybody was OK with any violent painful method.

i just didn't realise how painful it is to not have him here comforting me about all this. however i'm really happy to have your time of the day, truly.

 

[woxihuanni]

You're welcome to it, no worries. I wish I could give you a real hug...

 

[Aleksandra]

You would probably end up throwing up and damaging your liver from the paracetamol; coma/serotonin syndrome from the sertraline overdose.

It's not a good idea to impulsively take any pills you have but I relate to how you're feeling.

I think even if you did a cold water extraction of the pills to remove the paracetamol ~800mg of codeine is only slightly likely to cause death and a lot of itching due to histamine release

i didn't know you could extract paracetamol. i have a lot of allergies so itching to death as unpleasant as it sounds, i'd be used to it haha. plus i take antihistamines before bed anyway to help with my insomnia. i once od'd on my antipsychotics and a nurse told me "if you wanted to die you'd overdose on your antidepressants" as i learnt that day you can't overdose on antipsychotics.

 

[woxihuanni]

i didn't know you could extract paracetamol. i have a lot of allergies so itching to death as unpleasant as it sounds, i'd be used to it haha. plus i take antihistamines before bed anyway to help with my insomnia. i once od'd on my antipsychotics and a nurse told me "if you wanted to die you'd overdose on your antidepressants" as i learnt that day you can't overdose on antipsychotics.

To my knowledge, you cannot OD on antidepressants either, and fuck that nurse for saying you were bluffing.

 

[Dystopia]

I think itching to death sounds like one of the worst ways to die. I am scratching my itchy head right now annoyingly.

Itching on codeine is actually pretty addictive and nice for a while although it can be stopped/ partially stopped with anti histamines.