Venting why is it so hard to die

[woxihuanni]

the only reason i'm saying this is because i know i'm somewhat anonymous and also i won't be here much longer but this disorder has destroyed my life.

when i was in my early teens all i did was try to get into relationships, and in those relationships i would manipulate them so bad. blackmail them with suicide if they left, loving them hating them (it's called splitting), impulsive spending, drinking problems, sleeping with random men without protection, lying to get my way, and the list goes on. all this because my mental health team refused to acknowledge something was seriously wrong with me. i was diagnosed with psychotic depression up until i was 17, and then they told me the reason why they didn't diagnose me then was because it's impractical to diagnose someone before 18. but all that, to go untreated and given wrong treatments. a little too late. i did get better on my own over time but i still hold some of the shitty traits. i lied about being attacked when i was with another guy two years ago. because he wasn't giving me enough attention. and honestly i felt like utter scum after everytime i did it. being with my recent ex, he taught me how to not do those things. but often i would relapse into some traits and that's why he's worn out. that's why i don't blame him for him to need a breathing space, i want people to know really what bpd is because i'm sick and tired of people thinking it's just abandonment issues, when it comes with an array of nasty traits. and if left untreated, you'll basically just deteriorate overtime. i'm so sad. i got this because im forced to suffer the consequences of someone else's actions, that being my parents.

yes i'm still crying as we speak, i'm here to chat for most of the night, i have nothing better to do. you aren't alone :)

Yes, you did things that you know are wrong. You are very young, though, and not treated or supported properly. This is not the moment to dwell on every wrong you did.

 

[oopswronglife]

yeah r/suicidewatch is a graveyard really. i've seen countless posts where people never post afterwards but no one really responds. i wasn't expecting many to reply to me here but i'm pleasantly surprised

It's never been useful. It was always a place for platitudes and helpers to feel good posting soundbites and hotlines. They may have all meant wel,l but it was useless for anyone suffering and was just another shallow internet sideshow lived in tweets and short posts for points. Its never about the person...just the feelings and the karma and the self gain. That's Reddit in general. The only real and genuine places have been the various forums like this over the years labeled as "Pro-Choice". There used to be a few...now just this one.

 

[Aleksandra]

Because I think deep down in our psyches we hang on to hope that life will take a positive turn and we can live like "normal" people. (Whatever normal is). We hope that we don't have to start a different level of existence on another plane. Human Beings are creatures of habit. We like routine and become highly agitated when our routine is interupted by whatever is being thrown at us that particular day.

We want it to be better; for the pain to stop. For the drama that others insist on living by to end. A quiet life filled with simple joys of living. Like watching my granddaughters grow into beautiful young women like their mothers. Simple things. Uninterrupted by other people's bulls**t. But the world is filled with what I call the "Normies" and "Sheeple". Their insight into what makes life worth living is driven by a new episode of the Kardashians.

Seems like a catch 22 doesn't it? Damned if you do; damned if you don't.

Best of luck I figuring out what's best for you. Tough decision. Really tough.

thank you. maybe i'll change my mind, maybe i won't. unlikely i will because when my ex woke me up i was nothing but disappointed, depressed and even more miserable

 

[woxihuanni]

It's never been useful. It was always a place for platitudes and helpers to feel good. They may have all meant well but it was useless for anyone suffering and was just another shallow internet sideshow. That's Reddit in general. The only real and genuine places have been the various forums like this over the years labeled as "Pro-Choice". There used to be a few...now just this one.

Dear Lord, I could go on and on about reddit. Everything I hate about humanity is right there.

 

[Aleksandra]

Yes, you did things that you know are wrong. You are very young, though, and not treated or supported properly. This is not the moment to dwell on every wrong you did.

i cant stop thinking about it everyday, i cant live with this guilt. it hurts so bad. and it's physically exhausting.

 

[Baskol1]

i cant stop thinking about it everyday, i cant live with this guilt. it hurts so bad. and it's physically exhausting.

You have bpd?

 

[woxihuanni]

i cant stop thinking about it everyday, i cant live with this guilt. it hurts so bad. and it's physically exhausting.

I'm not going to tell you to feel good, just that you cannot do anything to end it without a good plan, because you will only end up worse off.

 

[Aleksandra]

It's never been useful. It was always a place for platitudes and helpers to feel good posting soundbites and hotlines. They may have all meant wel,l but it was useless for anyone suffering and was just another shallow internet sideshow lived in tweets and short posts for points. Its never about the person...just the feelings and the karma and the self gain. That's Reddit in general. The only real and genuine places have been the various forums like this over the years labeled as "Pro-Choice". There used to be a few...now just this one.

yeah i figured that out not long ago. i asked on a subreddit about relationship advice. on what i can do to support him and not stress him out more than he already is. i explained that i didn't really plan on being here much longer but changed my mind after spending some time talking with him. immediately everyone jumped to tell me to block him and leave him the fuck alone. and questioned if i threatened him with suicide or if i had a terminal illness. then started saying i should just kill myself. lol. some support that was. even after explaining i didn't threaten him with suicide and it was a mere thought, immediately "seek therapy, he's not your treatment team so leave him alone". i feel sick

You have bpd?

yeah, i can't stop thinking about all the bad its caused.

 

[Baskol1]

yeah i figured that out not long ago. i asked on a subreddit about relationship advice. on what i can do to support him and not stress him out more than he already is. i explained that i didn't really plan on being here much longer but changed my mind after spending some time talking with him. immediately everyone jumped to tell me to block him and leave him the fuck alone. and questioned if i threatened him with suicide or if i had a terminal illness. then started saying i should just kill myself. lol. some support that was. even after explaining i didn't threaten him with suicide and it was a mere thought, immediately "seek therapy, he's not your treatment team so leave him alone". i feel sick

yeah, i can't stop thinking about all the bad its caused.

Now i know why people hate you. I dont mean to offend you but people with borderline can be as harmful as narcissists.

 

[oopswronglife]

i feel sick

Remember about the itnernet...you cannot validate who people are so all you can go on is their behavior. It might be some 12yo trying to feel important giving you this "advice". It might be some psycho who enjoys manipulating people. It's one of the big drawbacks of anonymity. There is enough to feel sick about without walking into such places and allowing them to influence how we feel.

 

[Aleksandra]

Now i know why people hate you. I dont mean to offend you but people with borderline can be as harmful as narcissists.

that's because they fall under cluster b pd's. so narcissistic and psychopaths essentially. unfortunately because of that stigma we go untreated or treated very badly. i don't mean to make you hate me

 

[Baskol1]

that's because they fall under cluster b pd's. so narcissistic and psychopaths essentially. unfortunately because of that stigma we go untreated or treated very badly. i don't mean to make you hate me

No i dont hate you, i did bad things to others too, im not innocent, so it would hypocritical for me to judge you.

 

[woxihuanni]

that's because they fall under cluster b pd's. so narcissistic and psychopaths essentially. unfortunately because of that stigma we go untreated or treated very badly. i don't mean to make you hate me

What reddit idiots forget is that your guy has even more cluster b disorders. In the end, if you are working to become better together, that's a good thing.

 

[Aleksandra]

What reddit idiots forget is that your guy has even more cluster b disorders. In the end, if you are working to become better together, that's a good thing.

it's all so complex because honestly, the amount of shit i've had to go through along with him, it's mostly equal. that's why i say we both became toxic and he thought it was better to try and heal ourselves overtime and work on our issues within ourselves rather than carrying on and dragging each other down. and for a guy who has narcissistic pd, i'm happy he's doing this instead of knowing i'm wrapped around his finger and he can use me as an emotional punching bag. but he said to me once that the reason he wouldn't ever kill himself is because he's too narcissistic to. cluster b is the nastiest but also the most complex imo

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm impressed that he is engaging in any real communication, tbh. I've had a partner who seems to have npd, and it is not possible for them to either seek treatment or communicate with their romantic partner. It's painful for them as well, but destructive for the partner.

 

[Aleksandra]

I'm impressed that he is engaging in any real communication, tbh. I've had a partner who seems to have npd, and it is not possible for them to either seek treatment or communicate with their romantic partner. It's painful for them as well, but destructive for the partner.

i think it's because he also has bpd, but don't get me wrong, he bottles everything up and it comes out as anger. but before he would refuse to talk about any issues we have because he doesn't like dealing with problems. so they went unresolved and essentially why we are where we stand today. he said over and over "i don't want to be selfish, i need to be. i'm worn out and i have uni and work. i cant care for you right now and it's unfair for both of us". i feel quite sad.

 

[woxihuanni]

i think it's because he also has bpd, but don't get me wrong, he bottles everything up and it comes out as anger. but before he would refuse to talk about any issues we have because he doesn't like dealing with problems. so they went unresolved and essentially why we are where we stand today. he said over and over "i don't want to be selfish, i need to be. i'm worn out and i have uni and work. i cant care for you right now and it's unfair for both of us". i feel quite sad.

Ah, the bottling up and bursting out in rage. That's an all too familiar story.

 

[Aleksandra]

Ah, the bottling up and bursting out in rage. That's an all too familiar story.

yeah.. worst part is i tend to over communicate/repeat myself a lot and because of it, plus his bottling up, he would snap, tell me "i'm fucking tired, i can't deal with this and all i want to do when i come home from work is have some peace, play some games and rest. not constantly talking about fucking issues. i need you to leave me alone. for once in your life listen to me", and you can probably guess with the added bpd anger, it was really, really nasty. you're the only person who has responded ways i like, many others would sit and say "you are both shitty people" or "you aren't good for one another why did you stay".

 

[woxihuanni]

Believe you me, even if you had kept quiet and had no issues of your own, he would've freaked out just the same. The narcissistic rage is sort of always there, there is little anybody can do about it except the person being deeply motivated to get better. Even then, slow and hard work.

 

[Aleksandra]

Believe you me, even if you had kept quiet and had no issues of your own, he would've freaked out just the same. The narcissistic rage is sort of always there, there is little anybody can do about it except the person being deeply motivated to get better. Even then, slow and hard work.

yeah, that's why i think his decision on pausing our relationship is a real huge step for him. i'm happy for him but for myself, i ended my own life and now i just have to finish it completely. my question still lingers as to how a lot of people manage to just OD on paracetamol and cocodamol, overnight and never wake up

 

[woxihuanni]

yeah, that's why i think his decision on pausing our relationship is a real huge step for him. i'm happy for him but for myself, i ended my own life and now i just have to finish it completely. my question still lingers as to how a lot of people manage to just OD on paracetamol and cocodamol, overnight and never wake up

I don't think a lot of people do that, I remember stories of liver damage and misery, not death.

 

[Aleksandra]

I don't think a lot of people do that, I remember stories of liver damage and misery, not death.

perhaps it's just people i personally know, but i too have heard of the pain people go through. though i'm not sure if it's people being uninformed or if it's true in some cases, but some people for example reddit, they claim to have taken 15-30 paracetamol. freaking out and people in comments say they need to call someone because you'll die a slow death. however, i thought that was no where near the lethal dose

 

[woxihuanni]

perhaps it's just people i personally know, but i too have heard of the pain people go through. though i'm not sure if it's people being uninformed or if it's true in some cases, but some people for example reddit, they claim to have taken 15-30 paracetamol. freaking out and people in comments say they need to call someone because you'll die a slow death. however, i thought that was no where near the lethal dose

reddit would tell you to call emergency services if you took fish oil. Fuck them, you need information from people who've done the research.

 

[Aleksandra]

reddit would tell you to call emergency services if you took fish oil. Fuck them, you need information from people who've done the research.

hahahah that cracked a smile on my face. this forum took me a long time to find, i had to look up very specific things to come across this, i have done a lot of research and i did read that the lethal dose of codeine was between 500-1000mg. i'm personally unsure as to how true that is but if i can apply extracting paracetamol from it, i can easily get another pack of 32. and then giggle myself to death. :')

 

[woxihuanni]

hahahah that cracked a smile on my face. this forum took me a long time to find, i had to look up very specific things to come across this, i have done a lot of research and i did read that the lethal dose of codeine was between 500-1000mg. i'm personally unsure as to how true that is but if i can apply extracting paracetamol from it, i can easily get another pack of 32. and then giggle myself to death. :')

:) Yup, you need to quite purposeful to stumble on this. Please try and leave paracetamol aside for a bit, though, there must be something better.

 

[No hope]

hahahah that cracked a smile on my face. this forum took me a long time to find, i had to look up very specific things to come across this, i have done a lot of research and i did read that the lethal dose of codeine was between 500-1000mg. i'm personally unsure as to how true that is but if i can apply extracting paracetamol from it, i can easily get another pack of 32. and then giggle myself to death. :')

BPD sucks and the world sucks i think when it's just u and your negative thoughts day in day out but u don't know how to kill yourself like me, someone should let you die.

 

[Aleksandra]

BPD sucks and the world sucks i think when it's just u and your negative thoughts day in day out but u don't know how to kill yourself like me, someone should let you die.

i often think about how i wish there was like some underground organisation who would just put people out of their misery. in a peaceful way. or times i wish i could die by accident. i've been ready for death for a long time, im just terrified of messing up again and waking up by dawn.

 

[No hope]

BPD sucks and the world sucks i think when it's just u and your negative thoughts day in day out but u don't know how to kill yourself like me, someone should let you die.

I mean I've suffered enough, my brain really doesn't work anymore after I tried to kill myself twice with carbon monoxide I'm even more of a weirdo. No concentration or memory I should b dead I don't deserve life anymore

 

[Aleksandra]

:) Yup, you need to quite purposeful to stumble on this. Please try and leave paracetamol aside for a bit, though, there must be something better.

i will, i'm giving it about 2-3 days if anything comes up. but i'm sure this will get lost among other posts. so i'll keep looking around

 

[No hope]

i often think about how i wish there was like some underground organisation who would just put people out of their misery. in a peaceful way. or times i wish i could die by accident. i've been ready for death for a long time, im just terrified of messing up again and waking up by dawn.

i often think about how i wish there was like some underground organisation who would just put people out of their misery. in a peaceful way. or times i wish i could die by accident. i've been ready for death for a long time, im just terrified of messing up again and waking up by dawn.