Help Why is it so easy for me to feel suicidal right after feeling amazing and vice versa?

[pusheen]

It's like I get awful mood swings whenever feeling strongly and my meds aren't doing much about them. I talked about it too my psychiatrist but I guess he's trying to get my depression and anxiety in check. What's worse is it's the small things that tip me off. Today I was looking forward to watching a show with my sister and we miscommunicated and we ended up not watching it and I wanna die. It's that easy

 

[kxrenlx]

I get this as well. I have moments where I feel so happy and merry then I either see or read something (not necessarily sad or sorrowful) and just can't feel anything but emptiness and a desire to leave this world.

 

[BlueberrySylv]

meds change the way your mind behavs a lot. though usually they...numb you. make you unemotional at least. most anti depressant meds. now im not an expert. far from it, and i have no idea what medication you are taking.

but. it could be that youre just, overwhelmed? or stressed a lot despite being mediacted. best way to go about this is in my opinion since youre already medicated is try to accept it and try to go around it you know. like when you feel like this try to igore it or try to avoid things that could trigger this. keep doing something that still keeps you happy. things like so.

im happy youre medicated and are going with a psyciatrist though! its very good even if it doesnt look like so. just keep on fighting. im sure it's going to be better

 

[turned_to_one]

ive heard of this effect called "dopamine crash". While working on my ADHD i've stumbled across a similar symptom as you're describing, and it may be this (though the medication thing is also definitely worth looking into as well to be safe).

I guess it's like, when you feel good for once, you want to take advantage of that and do everything that you love while you're able to enjoy it. The issue may be that it drains your dopamine or something to that effect. When the reserves have filled up some, it's hard not to consume it all after it has felt absent for so long.

I think the general idea is to not overdo it, which is tricky and vague because "overdoing it" is probably different for everyone.

When you feel good, be sure to take breaks and have some moments where you are just sitting with the boredom. I hadn't realized it until reading up on ADHD, but boredom tolerance is something to be trained. It's good to do, even in small doses, because it means you will be less and less likely to become depressed or anxious when there's nothing to distract you.

I would experiment on your next good day by taking it nice and slow.
Try a small walk, make a tea or another drink you enjoy (just one! i sometimes get crazy about it and overindulge on good days), and sit in quiet and read, draw, or do breathing exercises or stretches for a few minutes.

other good days will crop up, so there's no need to try doing everything all at once!

 

[pusheen]

Thanks everyone, though it's not necessarily things I have control over or even things I do/don't do. It just happens suddenly. I considered it might be because of diet (I know it has some connection to eating rubbish like sugary things). But also a lot of it is because of loneliness and grief and family. I just got a chance to spend time with them on occasion of our beloved cat passing, first time in maybe a year because we fought previously, and it turned out to be good but I'm going soon and who knows when I'm here next so every little thing seems like it matters so when things don't go to plan or I'm alone and not with family it sucks (also because I hate being on my own in general and my self esteem depends a lot on others). I feel sucky because I also feel like because my family was shitty to me and we disconnected I missed a lot of the possible time with his cat before his passing. And they didn't say sorry in the end, I just turned up and it's suddenly okay now which feels off. I wish I felt loved by them unconditionally. It's a lot of difficult feelings.
I am building tolerance for boredom, however with working and commuting being a lot of life you try to squeeze in interesting short content like reels for fun and I guess it depletes that. I am medicated for ADHD, though that's interesting, I can recall trying to do everything at once and ending up feeling worse in the past.

 

[turned_to_one]

i wanted to add something to address the opposite problem as well, which i think sounds like rejection sensitivity. i struggle with this as well!

this one is really tricky. really, anything that involves mindfulness is really hard.

just recently, i shared something trivial with my friends -changing my phone background to some art I liked. my partner expressed that he felt a bit hurt that i did that, and instead of acknowledging his feelings and providing reassurance, i said something snappy and a bit unkind.

it wasn't right of me, but at the time i was feeling very sensitive and overwhelmed trying to keep myself together after having to rehome some pets. not a justification, but it's just where my head was at. i really had to think about why i reacted that way.
when it happened, i genuinely had no idea why i couldn't just be calm and considerate over something that didnt need to escalate like that.

i was already feeling hurt, and trying to stifle it in order to be pleasant to be around. when he made the comment, all i could think was "why does this have to be a big deal? can't i just enjoy something of my own right now?"

it's so hard, and you'll mess up a lot, but i should have slowed down before saying anything.

"he's feeling hurt, and maybe self-conscious about this. he doesn't know that i needed something to rekindle my passion for art and beauty, and that this doesn't mean anything to him. he's grieving our rehomed pet just like me right now."

that's what i should have been thinking after silently acknowledging my own distress. im not wrong to feel that way, but it shouldn't be at his expense. plus, i felt super suicidal after hurting his feelings like that.

we talked and i apologized, then explained everything that i was thinking at the time, and what i wish i had done instead.
it happens far leas often than it used to, but still, the mistakes happen.

i think over time i've become better at being less emotionally reactive, but i'd be lying if i said it was willpower alone. i was unmedicated at the time, and boy did i feel it.

maybe talk about rejection sensitivity with you doctor or therapist. a new medication or strategy may help more than you realize
sorry just read your last post as well. ADHD gang!

rejection sensitivity is a big but under diagnosed symptom of ADHD. combine that with impulsive behaviours and you have a cooking pot of uncheck and spiralling feelings that happen before you can catch them!

i used to think i had regular depression, but that was something that developed after from raw dogging the condition for so long that i felt stupid, worthless, and just couldn't handle my parents yelling at me over and over again, disappointing them and myself over and over again.

hang in there! there's a medication and a therapy that might work for you.
eating right is also so important. to save brain space, i pick up a lot of cheap but healthy snacks for throughout the day, and use paper plates when i can. it seems lazy, but a lot of the times i dont have the bandwidth to bother with dishes.

i have a bunch of other lifestyle tips if anyone is ever interested. im not perfect, but ive been building a system for years thats worked!