Why I'm here

[signifying nothing]

I find I am having to revisit suicide as a way forward for me now. I had managed for a number of years to keep those kinds of thoughts at bay, but no longer.

I have been coping by 'killing' myself externally - throwing things of mine away, anything related to me, photos, stuff with my name on it, stuff written by me, made by me, clothes, possessions... anything really. And that has all helped relieve the burden of who I am and who I have been. I think it helps too to unfix myself from expectations of who I might be, what defines me, based on what I have been in the past.

The problem now is that (apart from some basic stuff for living) anything that is left of mine is held onto by other people, mainly my parents. That is now what is causing me most distress. I have tried to take from them what I can, but I don't think they understand quite how much of a problem it is causing me for them to keep the things they do. Its almost as if they value the things more than they do the person they are there to remind them of. Like they want me to be someone I'm not anymore, couldn't be even if I wanted to. It makes me want to scream, but I hold it in and try to understand their point of view. It makes me think that maybe I am wrong and they are right. That I am and my feelings are worth less than their own need to hold on to things.

And so I fight with thoughts of self worth and thoughts of suicide and try to find a way to live with the person I am. Although that person seems mainly to be someone that wants out of this life as it currently stands.

 

[almost_dead]

Hi , is there any way you can seperate from your parents ? Do you work ?

 

[signifying nothing]

I live apart from my parents in a flat in a nearby town, but still feel like I'm being held captive by them.

They remain the largest part of my life even though or probably because they impact on it so much.

Other than dealing with them I can do very little - I can't work at the moment because of mental health issues, so living off benefits and savings. I have a couple of friends, but they're nowhere near the headspace I'm in with all this, so I feel pretty much alone with it.

However much therapy I've done, I feel like there's still a lot that remains unresolved for me. I don't think it ever really got to dealing with the core traumatic experience that I had as a kid. No therapist could stand to really properly face it I don't think. So it remains unprocessed - unmentioned or skirted over only very briefly.

Meanwhile, I am living very basically, trying to manage the ongoing effects of that life consuming experience - cPTSD, anxiety, depression, the distrust of everything and everyone, warring personalities (though not truly split, there are definite cracks), self harm and physical stress-related health problems.

Not much to live for, but lots worth dying for.

 

[Robyn]

I live apart from my parents in a flat in a nearby town, but still feel like I'm being held captive by them.

They remain the largest part of my life even though or probably because they impact on it so much.

Other than dealing with them I can do very little - I can't work at the moment because of mental health issues, so living off benefits and savings. I have a couple of friends, but they're nowhere near the headspace I'm in with all this, so I feel pretty much alone with it.

However much therapy I've done, I feel like there's still a lot that remains unresolved for me. I don't think it ever really got to dealing with the core traumatic experience that I had as a kid. No therapist could stand to really properly face it I don't think. So it remains unprocessed - unmentioned or skirted over only very briefly.

Meanwhile, I am living very basically, trying to manage the ongoing effects of that life consuming experience - cPTSD, anxiety, depression, the distrust of everything and everyone, warring personalities (though not truly split, there are definite cracks), self harm and physical stress-related health problems.

Not much to live for, but lots worth dying for.