Arya Quinn
Member
- Aug 5, 2023
- 8
Hi.
I'd initially set up an account a little bit ago but never engaged. It looked as though things were picking up for me and I guess you could say I was relieved that I felt I didn't need a place like this.
But things got bad again and they continue to get worse. I find myself once more weighing up the idea of ending things but I can't really go to my friends about this.
Throughout my life there's been multiple occasions where I've thought about this, made plans and even attempted. I thought I was past that but evidently not. Of course, the reason I'm able to type is because I was a moron back then (still am today to some extent). Tried things the way you'd see it on TV and movies. As such, it didn't take.
Why does a 27 year old with friends and a pretty face want to die?
Because I'm tired of being a victim.
Victim of crime, mainly hate crimes these days but also abuse. Emotional, physical and even sexual once or twice. Not going to get into *too* much detail on that one but it happens to me a lot. Recently, I gathered the strength to end things with an abusive partner. Going back a few months now but that didn't really stop things. She continues to find new and creative ways to hurt me even though I've cut all contact, keep my distance etc.
And I can't do it anymore. She's made it so that I can't even have a life. I had to leave my job recently because as shitty luck would have it, we work at the same office and she was using that to harm me. I can't ever be with anyone else because she's now started to spread around word in what is a tiny community that I was actually the abusive one. People I've tried to date have gotten wind of this and cut contact. I've lost friends too.
She hurts people close to me in order to hurt me.
And to make matters worse, even if you were to remove her from the situation the world is just such a scary place. I happen to be a part of a demographic that well, in a lot of parts of the world the tide has been turning. People are getting more aggressive, which has caused a rise in those hate crimes I'd mentioned. I won't go into too much detail on that either but I will say that the demographic I'm a part of is known for a high rate of suicide. I deal with a lot of stigma, discrimination and as I said, hate crimes.
Since February alone, two separate people have threatened to murder me because I am different. There have been four attempts by people to get into my apartment and harm me. I have dealt with a stalker on these grounds as well.
I don't want to hear "It'll get better" or "The sun will shine again" or any of that bullshit and I know I won't get that here.
In truth, I don't really want to die. I don't want to be in that 41%. I don't want to give my ex the satisfaction of being partially responsible for driving me to that point, either. But I'm so tried and I don't see a way of things getting better given all that's happened.
I'm not here because I want someone to fix all of this bullshit for me. I don't even think this can be fixed. I'm here because if things don't improve for me, I will likely be ending things. The only thing keeping me together is that there are people in my life who care about me, and I know they'd try to stop me. But they can't help this situation and I can't admit to them about how I'm really feeling.
And I guess as well, that if I do end up ending things, I guess I want my story to be heard, in a way. That way I'm more than just another statistic.
I'd initially set up an account a little bit ago but never engaged. It looked as though things were picking up for me and I guess you could say I was relieved that I felt I didn't need a place like this.
But things got bad again and they continue to get worse. I find myself once more weighing up the idea of ending things but I can't really go to my friends about this.
Throughout my life there's been multiple occasions where I've thought about this, made plans and even attempted. I thought I was past that but evidently not. Of course, the reason I'm able to type is because I was a moron back then (still am today to some extent). Tried things the way you'd see it on TV and movies. As such, it didn't take.
Why does a 27 year old with friends and a pretty face want to die?
Because I'm tired of being a victim.
Victim of crime, mainly hate crimes these days but also abuse. Emotional, physical and even sexual once or twice. Not going to get into *too* much detail on that one but it happens to me a lot. Recently, I gathered the strength to end things with an abusive partner. Going back a few months now but that didn't really stop things. She continues to find new and creative ways to hurt me even though I've cut all contact, keep my distance etc.
And I can't do it anymore. She's made it so that I can't even have a life. I had to leave my job recently because as shitty luck would have it, we work at the same office and she was using that to harm me. I can't ever be with anyone else because she's now started to spread around word in what is a tiny community that I was actually the abusive one. People I've tried to date have gotten wind of this and cut contact. I've lost friends too.
She hurts people close to me in order to hurt me.
And to make matters worse, even if you were to remove her from the situation the world is just such a scary place. I happen to be a part of a demographic that well, in a lot of parts of the world the tide has been turning. People are getting more aggressive, which has caused a rise in those hate crimes I'd mentioned. I won't go into too much detail on that either but I will say that the demographic I'm a part of is known for a high rate of suicide. I deal with a lot of stigma, discrimination and as I said, hate crimes.
Since February alone, two separate people have threatened to murder me because I am different. There have been four attempts by people to get into my apartment and harm me. I have dealt with a stalker on these grounds as well.
I don't want to hear "It'll get better" or "The sun will shine again" or any of that bullshit and I know I won't get that here.
In truth, I don't really want to die. I don't want to be in that 41%. I don't want to give my ex the satisfaction of being partially responsible for driving me to that point, either. But I'm so tried and I don't see a way of things getting better given all that's happened.
I'm not here because I want someone to fix all of this bullshit for me. I don't even think this can be fixed. I'm here because if things don't improve for me, I will likely be ending things. The only thing keeping me together is that there are people in my life who care about me, and I know they'd try to stop me. But they can't help this situation and I can't admit to them about how I'm really feeling.
And I guess as well, that if I do end up ending things, I guess I want my story to be heard, in a way. That way I'm more than just another statistic.
