DeathBecomesHim98
New Member
- Mar 3, 2024
- 2
So, my life recently has been pretty crazy.
I was recently evicted from my apartment because I essentially gave up on life, I stopped paying all my bills and just let myself slip deep into that deep abyss and rather than trying to pull myself out I decided to just let myself drown. I then had a plan of essentially just disappearing off the face of the earth and finishing some final preparations for my departure. Unfortunately, I was tracked down by my friends and family and the day before everything was completed I was caught.
The night I was found I was just sitting in my car doing some journaling, chronicling my life a bit as a form of reflection because I'm not someone who shares anything about my personal life because I feel like it's no one's business and I just enjoy wallowing in my sadness(I don't know why, it just makes me feel better). My friends pulled up to my car and I had to casually get out and put on my mask of smiles and jokes because I cope with living by laughing. They told me about how my family had been searching for me and how everyone was so concerned, they were telling me that they cared about me and while I care about them deeply I just don't care that they care about me. I don't care that I had my friends worried, and I especially don't care that my family was worried about me.
My extended family are all a bunch of Christians who aren't accepting of my homosexuality and they genuinely are a bunch of racists, but yet they wonder why I don't ever reach out to any of them, they are part of the problem, and why I want to CTB. It's not just that I hate myself because I honestly really like myself, I have a lot of confidence I have plenty of friends and I know how to have a good time. However, It's this awful world that makes me want to CTB it's all the homophobia, the racism, the wars, and just the overall hatred in the world. It makes me sick and makes me mad and makes me so upset that this was the world I was born into, a world where no one is treated fairly and a world where succeeding these days is near impossible or at least feels like it unless you already have some form of connections in place. It's exhausting living in a world where around every corner there's so much hate just in a different form. I'm tired of it. It's exhausting having to continually smile and laugh when so much is wrong so there is a delay in my plans. I'm now more determined than ever to finish what I started, I'm a couple more stories away from chronicling my life and that's when I'm going to end it all. I am just so tired. My friends when they found me talked to me about what may be next once and honestly I don't believe there is a heaven or hell I believe that simply we just live in our minds forever whether that's in a deep dream or a black box with a single chair for us to sit in inside our minds but the feeling that there truly may just be nothing makes me feel so at peace.
I was recently evicted from my apartment because I essentially gave up on life, I stopped paying all my bills and just let myself slip deep into that deep abyss and rather than trying to pull myself out I decided to just let myself drown. I then had a plan of essentially just disappearing off the face of the earth and finishing some final preparations for my departure. Unfortunately, I was tracked down by my friends and family and the day before everything was completed I was caught.
The night I was found I was just sitting in my car doing some journaling, chronicling my life a bit as a form of reflection because I'm not someone who shares anything about my personal life because I feel like it's no one's business and I just enjoy wallowing in my sadness(I don't know why, it just makes me feel better). My friends pulled up to my car and I had to casually get out and put on my mask of smiles and jokes because I cope with living by laughing. They told me about how my family had been searching for me and how everyone was so concerned, they were telling me that they cared about me and while I care about them deeply I just don't care that they care about me. I don't care that I had my friends worried, and I especially don't care that my family was worried about me.
My extended family are all a bunch of Christians who aren't accepting of my homosexuality and they genuinely are a bunch of racists, but yet they wonder why I don't ever reach out to any of them, they are part of the problem, and why I want to CTB. It's not just that I hate myself because I honestly really like myself, I have a lot of confidence I have plenty of friends and I know how to have a good time. However, It's this awful world that makes me want to CTB it's all the homophobia, the racism, the wars, and just the overall hatred in the world. It makes me sick and makes me mad and makes me so upset that this was the world I was born into, a world where no one is treated fairly and a world where succeeding these days is near impossible or at least feels like it unless you already have some form of connections in place. It's exhausting living in a world where around every corner there's so much hate just in a different form. I'm tired of it. It's exhausting having to continually smile and laugh when so much is wrong so there is a delay in my plans. I'm now more determined than ever to finish what I started, I'm a couple more stories away from chronicling my life and that's when I'm going to end it all. I am just so tired. My friends when they found me talked to me about what may be next once and honestly I don't believe there is a heaven or hell I believe that simply we just live in our minds forever whether that's in a deep dream or a black box with a single chair for us to sit in inside our minds but the feeling that there truly may just be nothing makes me feel so at peace.
