Venting Why I see most things as a ligature?

[BasqueClown]

It's incredible the level of 'suicidality?' that I achieve in the last month.
I don't know if it's a consequence of my clinical depression, my Dissiociative Identity Disorder (My Alter trying to killing me), or both of them.
It's incredible that when I helped my aunt with some cleaning of the apartment, if my aunt saw it as a old, moldy leather purse, I saw its belt as a ligature. Same as with an old sport purse who my cousin used to going to run (He married and moved on another city), and again, see it as my ligature to hang myself.
I'm okay with the idea of dying by suicide. But I'm wondering why I'm in a stage who routine objects transform to potential death devices. I don't want to disclosure with my aunt or my psychiatrist, since I DON'T WANT TO RETURN TO A FUCKING PSYCH WARD. Sure, the 'ethos' or ethical duty of health providers is to preserve the life of anyone, but hell, in any of both of my countries I can't die with dignity without defy the system, since the only way that I can got "euthanasia" is to have an terminal illness and a previous medical screening about my decision of dying.
I was planning to do it in this summer but I don't trust my pills (Duloxetine and Asenapine), I don't trust doctors (I want to ask to change to another psychiatrist), I don't trust my family, I don't trust my friends. Everything is "you can do it", and pro life slogans. Sure, pursuing recovery is still an option, I mean, in theory, because when I writing this I was spotting the screen of my oldie laptop for minutes in a blank manner. Writing is my only method to express myself, and to put in order my thoughts, but 70% of them are in thinking in death.
I want to rant and scream, but that will make things worse.
It sucks to be the crazy, black sheep of the family.

 

[missingpeace]

Same, I keep looking for possible anchor points for full suspension hanging, maybe our desperation to get off this planet is now becoming part of our routine thinking.

 

[LittleJem]

I look at places to hang when I walk down the street. In this mind state, we want to find our escape. It's horrible. It's miserable and scary to feel so bleak.

 

[spacehardware]

My brain does this too. Every scarf, belt cable and dog lead is a noose. Every bridge, high wall, multi storey carpark is a jumping spot. Even a passing bus looks like a good way out. I don't even want to use these methods but when I'm in the depths of my depression my mind searches frantically for routes out of here.

Keep writing @BasqueClown - we are here to listen. Writing helps, well I think so.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that it's understandable seeing objects as potential suicide materials, if suicide is always on one's mind. High buildings and trains make me instantly think of suicide. But yes, psych wards sound like horrific prisons that just cause more suffering, to me it's certainly for the best to never be open about the subject of suicide as so many in this world don't wish to accept that it's a perfectly rational option.