breezer_a
Member
- Feb 3, 2024
- 16
First, I feel obligated to apologise almost, to all the people who warned against this forum, I understand that you had good intentions, but it has made it easy to find, most people here seem pleasant and similar to me regardless. I'm gonna be a bit of a sappy moron in this thread, I am a little drunk.
Some background information, I am an ex-muslim, I grew up in London with the average islamic family. The typical islamic family in europe is VERY religiously conservative, the relevance will be clear shortly. As a kid I was, the best way to put it is weird. I had a very formulaic approach to how the world works, if A then B. So when growing up religious I was taught about sins and hell by parents family and islamic school. To the western christian/atheist this might seem like no big deal, but imagine believing that the most powerful being conceivable is judging your every move, like imagine if that was truly the case. That shit fucks you up a bit, so as a kid, who is obviously flawed, disobeyed his parents, swore lied cheated, all the classic things, you are looking at this and thinking, I will actually suffer for eternity for this.
Well, in Islam, pre puberty, if you die you are guaranteed heaven. If I had to choose some point where my depression may have started it would be this realisation. So I seriously contemplated ctb, the math checks out, I am guaranteed an eternity of unimaginable bliss if I do, but I risk eternal punishment of the worst possible kind if I don't. This audience (If anyone will even read this lol) is biased in agreeing, but I think any rational human would ctb. Problem is, I have a survival instinct, so I evidently didn't follow through, and this was terrifying and depressing.
Nevertheless, I grow older, hit puberty, life continues, I get a girlfriend. This to me (even though not super consistent with Islam) was an affront to god since it was a relation out of marriage, so I assumed that my ticket to heaven was pretty much gone. To avoid boring you, its obvious how depressed this made me, and that it wasn't really entirely irrational. At this point, I've been inwardly depressed for about 6 years but have hidden it very well. Then I broke up, I think this broke me, I was objectively a shit awkward boyfriend, and worse I was going to hell for it. So from that point on I really avoided relationships.
After this whole ordeal at around 14 years old, faith logically stopped making sense, not from a moral perspective, just from a logical perspective, all you really have to do is read the Wikipedia page on Aisha the mother of Muslims, and even ignoring her age you will see an example of my thought process. Well, you would expect my mind to rest, but there is one small issue, I now don't believe in God.
To non muslim audiences, this might sound like a non issue, in Islam apostates are killed. This isnt to say that I feared death, that risk was certainly a possibility, but now I was a prisoner in my own mind. I have committed a thought crime, and if this were ever to become public the entire muslim community that consisted of my parents and essentially all my friends would ostracise me, at worst even kill me (I'd put the odds at 1/20 on a relative doing so) and legally I'd be disinherited in the country where my fathers wealth is. So now I've got more on my mind, but I can hide. So I did for YEARS.
Needless to say, my mental health was in the bin, this is getting long so I will be brief, at some point I thought if I will continue living I had better be a very very successful meaningful dude, and that starts with education, i studied extremely hard ended up with very good grades, covid set me back and put me in a top 5 uni instead of the best (which I had an offer for, look up the covid 19 uk a level grades fiasco), this fucked my head up, my grades were shattered during my uni career, and now the deal I made with myself is coming to a close.
So the deal, get a very good degree, become wealthy, and use most of that wealth on projects that will aid humanity as best possible. I am in the last few months of my degree, its obvious now the window for this has passed. So now I am not only depressed, but my reason to live is gone, I am smart enough to know how to ctb effectively and peacefully, at this point its a waiting game, my life will get worse this is given, and as it does I will build up the courage and will to ctb, the writing is on the wall, like a chicken headed for the slaughterhouse, now it's just waiting for my turn.
Thanks for listening to my ted talk, I don't like being an empathy vampire, so thats where I'll leave it, but it will be ending soon, it was interesting while I was here.
Some background information, I am an ex-muslim, I grew up in London with the average islamic family. The typical islamic family in europe is VERY religiously conservative, the relevance will be clear shortly. As a kid I was, the best way to put it is weird. I had a very formulaic approach to how the world works, if A then B. So when growing up religious I was taught about sins and hell by parents family and islamic school. To the western christian/atheist this might seem like no big deal, but imagine believing that the most powerful being conceivable is judging your every move, like imagine if that was truly the case. That shit fucks you up a bit, so as a kid, who is obviously flawed, disobeyed his parents, swore lied cheated, all the classic things, you are looking at this and thinking, I will actually suffer for eternity for this.
Well, in Islam, pre puberty, if you die you are guaranteed heaven. If I had to choose some point where my depression may have started it would be this realisation. So I seriously contemplated ctb, the math checks out, I am guaranteed an eternity of unimaginable bliss if I do, but I risk eternal punishment of the worst possible kind if I don't. This audience (If anyone will even read this lol) is biased in agreeing, but I think any rational human would ctb. Problem is, I have a survival instinct, so I evidently didn't follow through, and this was terrifying and depressing.
Nevertheless, I grow older, hit puberty, life continues, I get a girlfriend. This to me (even though not super consistent with Islam) was an affront to god since it was a relation out of marriage, so I assumed that my ticket to heaven was pretty much gone. To avoid boring you, its obvious how depressed this made me, and that it wasn't really entirely irrational. At this point, I've been inwardly depressed for about 6 years but have hidden it very well. Then I broke up, I think this broke me, I was objectively a shit awkward boyfriend, and worse I was going to hell for it. So from that point on I really avoided relationships.
After this whole ordeal at around 14 years old, faith logically stopped making sense, not from a moral perspective, just from a logical perspective, all you really have to do is read the Wikipedia page on Aisha the mother of Muslims, and even ignoring her age you will see an example of my thought process. Well, you would expect my mind to rest, but there is one small issue, I now don't believe in God.
To non muslim audiences, this might sound like a non issue, in Islam apostates are killed. This isnt to say that I feared death, that risk was certainly a possibility, but now I was a prisoner in my own mind. I have committed a thought crime, and if this were ever to become public the entire muslim community that consisted of my parents and essentially all my friends would ostracise me, at worst even kill me (I'd put the odds at 1/20 on a relative doing so) and legally I'd be disinherited in the country where my fathers wealth is. So now I've got more on my mind, but I can hide. So I did for YEARS.
Needless to say, my mental health was in the bin, this is getting long so I will be brief, at some point I thought if I will continue living I had better be a very very successful meaningful dude, and that starts with education, i studied extremely hard ended up with very good grades, covid set me back and put me in a top 5 uni instead of the best (which I had an offer for, look up the covid 19 uk a level grades fiasco), this fucked my head up, my grades were shattered during my uni career, and now the deal I made with myself is coming to a close.
So the deal, get a very good degree, become wealthy, and use most of that wealth on projects that will aid humanity as best possible. I am in the last few months of my degree, its obvious now the window for this has passed. So now I am not only depressed, but my reason to live is gone, I am smart enough to know how to ctb effectively and peacefully, at this point its a waiting game, my life will get worse this is given, and as it does I will build up the courage and will to ctb, the writing is on the wall, like a chicken headed for the slaughterhouse, now it's just waiting for my turn.
Thanks for listening to my ted talk, I don't like being an empathy vampire, so thats where I'll leave it, but it will be ending soon, it was interesting while I was here.
