Venting why i have decided to CTB

[magicalgirl]

hi, havent posted on here in a while.

i was abused ages 12-18, domestic violence. i got a final restraining order against him. i was institutionalized many times, i was self harming consistently, i also got into drugs at 19 you name it ive done it and because of this i developed HPPD which was a living hell

i experienced fullblown psychosis too and i embarassed myself online thinking i was a chosen prophet.

at first i was paranoid and scared of being killed but i have come to accept it. which is why i met up with my abuser about a week or two ago.

he has strangled me tried to suffocate me chased me beat me bloody and bruised sent death threats etc., i am too scared to get the job done myself and i have fantasized about him murdering me

he said he wants to run away with me and i know for certain i wouldn't come back, i'm just also scared...

i have a partner, who i now have been violent towards (hes been violent towards me as well) and me going behind my partners back texting my abuser is eating me inside and me now being abusive after the abuse ive endured

i think ive developed a form of stockholm syndrome and that is why i cannot let go part of me is self aware and i used to be even more in love with my abuser but there is no intimate feelings currently i just want him to end me.

i also love my partner and feel deep guilt but i feel he would be better off without me as i am going behind his back and being violent and mean when i dont want to be

my diagnosis is a curse, and i feel like i need to be rid of

thanks for reading

 

[LostZombie]

You poor thing I am so sorry to hear about all of the abuse you have had to deal with. You being aware of all that happend is a good step to understand who you are better. I wish you the best hun.