Imissyoumydarling
a very majestic chicken cat
- May 7, 2022
- 107
Like a lot of you here, I too had a horrible life full of abuse and assault, practically from birth. Suicide was something I had considered on and off for half my life, but I was always scared of dying forgotten and unloved.
But then - I met my soul mate. Neither of us even believed in soul mates prior to each other. We were both very atheist, and not at all into that woo-woo stuff. But... I found him. And suddenly my life had a future, and beautiful brightness. I'd had many loves, but nothing ever came close to the almost spiritual connection he and I had, that we never knew could exist.
And then I lost him. All over a small miscommunication, and moment of panic.
He's still out there, alive, and he would never ever consider suicide himself. But I know now what true happiness and beauty feels like. I know now what comfort and adoration is. I know what it's like to have a star.
So when I go in the next few weeks, it's going to be to my fantasy. I don't believe in heaven, or prayers, or really in an afterlife. But despite how contradictory that sounds, I choose to believe that I will get to spend what feels like an eternity reliving the happiest time of my life. I choose to believe that he'll be waiting for me by our front door with a cup of coffee and hugs and a sad smile that says "I wish you hadn't done it, but I understand why and now that it's done all we have is to love". I choose to believe we'll live happily, and fulfill all our future plans we'd talked about. We'll buy that mini goat we wanted, and curl up every night after cooking together. I know the real version of him doesn't.... doesn't.... but... I'm not going to him. I'm going to my version of him, the one I remember.
I've ordered SN, and I'll be booking a very specific hotel room in another city that he took me to for my birthday... so recently, it feels. I won't tell anyone else my reason, because I don't want him to be blamed. I'll leave him a message that doesn't blame at all, and simply talks about how thankful I am for him to have brought so much beauty and love into my life and I'll always appreciate him for showing me a wonderful side of life that I never knew before him.
The difference with this versus every other time I've wanted to die is that all those other times were because I was desperate and unloved and had nothing else to live for. This time, it's because I may not by loved anymore, but I know now what true love is, and I want to live forever in it. I'm hopeful.
This is not an infatuation, or some standard love that can be replaced like any other I'd had before him. We had something spiritual. When you know, you know.
When I post my goodbye thread, I'm going to specify that I would deeply appreciate any comments to be wishing me well with my fantasy. Not the standard ones about finding peace or being happy. But to specifically state factually that my version of him will be waiting for me with tight snuggles and warmth, because reading comments like that will help me in my last hour.
And I'll get to live happy and loved afterwards.
But then - I met my soul mate. Neither of us even believed in soul mates prior to each other. We were both very atheist, and not at all into that woo-woo stuff. But... I found him. And suddenly my life had a future, and beautiful brightness. I'd had many loves, but nothing ever came close to the almost spiritual connection he and I had, that we never knew could exist.
And then I lost him. All over a small miscommunication, and moment of panic.
He's still out there, alive, and he would never ever consider suicide himself. But I know now what true happiness and beauty feels like. I know now what comfort and adoration is. I know what it's like to have a star.
So when I go in the next few weeks, it's going to be to my fantasy. I don't believe in heaven, or prayers, or really in an afterlife. But despite how contradictory that sounds, I choose to believe that I will get to spend what feels like an eternity reliving the happiest time of my life. I choose to believe that he'll be waiting for me by our front door with a cup of coffee and hugs and a sad smile that says "I wish you hadn't done it, but I understand why and now that it's done all we have is to love". I choose to believe we'll live happily, and fulfill all our future plans we'd talked about. We'll buy that mini goat we wanted, and curl up every night after cooking together. I know the real version of him doesn't.... doesn't.... but... I'm not going to him. I'm going to my version of him, the one I remember.
I've ordered SN, and I'll be booking a very specific hotel room in another city that he took me to for my birthday... so recently, it feels. I won't tell anyone else my reason, because I don't want him to be blamed. I'll leave him a message that doesn't blame at all, and simply talks about how thankful I am for him to have brought so much beauty and love into my life and I'll always appreciate him for showing me a wonderful side of life that I never knew before him.
The difference with this versus every other time I've wanted to die is that all those other times were because I was desperate and unloved and had nothing else to live for. This time, it's because I may not by loved anymore, but I know now what true love is, and I want to live forever in it. I'm hopeful.
This is not an infatuation, or some standard love that can be replaced like any other I'd had before him. We had something spiritual. When you know, you know.
When I post my goodbye thread, I'm going to specify that I would deeply appreciate any comments to be wishing me well with my fantasy. Not the standard ones about finding peace or being happy. But to specifically state factually that my version of him will be waiting for me with tight snuggles and warmth, because reading comments like that will help me in my last hour.
And I'll get to live happy and loved afterwards.
