n0ne
searching for love i'll never find
- Jun 26, 2024
- 1
I don't even know where to start but TW: SH
First off, I'm using a translator since I'm not a native English speaker. If anyone reads this, they deserve something that is somehow understandable. Well, this is going to be a mix of a vent and a story of why I ended up here.
Just to be quick: I've been suicidal since I was 13. My then-girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend, but I never really tried to end it then, just self-harm and self-destructive behavior. Once I got close by hanging myself with a charger cable from a metal standing fan, but I just couldn't do it. I felt like there was more, but now that feeling is gone, and here's why:
My first memory is a trauma of my dad pretending he didn't know me in a place full of strangers. I remember how fucking lost I felt, and he often did such "jokes." My first relationships were all LDRs, and I was just a kid, but almost every one ended in me being cheated on after some months. That messed me up good. The last relationship was so toxic that my ex tortured me mentally by making false promises and giving me hope that she would visit me again. The day came, and I just sat there in silence. I was stupid and kept dreaming. After 4 years, I broke free and found some real friends. They live far away but are really great.
After 2 more years of stalling and literally doing nothing with my life, I was ready to start over and commit to a relationship again. I tried Tinder out of all places while on vacation at my best friend's place. After 2 weeks, I was about to give up. Literally that day, a girl texted me. The next day we met, and we both got kicked out of the place I was staying at and were practically homeless for a night without knowing each other. We bonded so hard in this situation and were practically fused together. Our interests matched, and the next days were more chilled. After I went back home, she visited me regularly. It was difficult to visit her because of her dad. He was against it from the start and kicked her out when we met.
I had the choice to leave her alone in the night and stay at my friend's or stick together. To keep it short, after a year, she moved in with me. On a side note, I still live with my mother, but we are cool and are more like roommates, so everyone does their part. My girlfriend needed to retake her exams because she missed them in her youth, and that would take 3 years. So, I was the one to support us all financially. My mom is mostly jobless, so I carried us all on an underpaid apprenticeship in which I am still stuck for another year. I love the work, but it stresses me out sometimes because I'm literally responsible for what feels like everything at home and at work. My boss loads so much on me that I can barely keep up, and I'm still broke at the end of the month.
Because of the tight space, my girlfriend and I argued sometimes, but we never went to bed with a grudge and handled it all. Now, after 3 years (a month ago), she took her stuff while I was at work and just left. It was clear that this would happen because that was the only way for the state to give her money, as her parents are literally assholes who didn't support her or us. We planned on using the new "space to breathe" to just grow together, and after a year when we could afford it, move into a flat that we chose. Well, a week went by, and she just ghosted me while I thought she just needed a break. We met after some days, and it was weird. She didn't look me in the eyes, and we just saw each other for literal minutes. I gave her a stuffed animal I gifted her after I started my job so she wouldn't miss me as much.
Then another week went by. I had my friends over, and my girlfriend always thought they hated her, but they never had a reason and told her that. She wouldn't accept it because in her head it couldn't be different. I really tried helping her with that, but she blocked every compliment and even just laughed them off. I even got her a ring that I planned on using sometime next year to propose. Well, after my friends left, some days went by again, and she texted me saying that she misses me and we could meet up. So, we met for just a few hours, but damn, it was great. We talked, and she promised me after a goodbye kiss that we'd see each other and that it wouldn't be the end.
Fast forward 2 days, and she officially broke up with me saying, "just search for someone else." That hurts the most, like I would just give a damn about everything that we went through and managed together. I still hoped we could work it out and wanted to let some time pass. Another day passed (we reach yesterday), and while I was at work, she texted me the number of her plug with something like, "the next time you need something, just ask him." I just thought that was weird because we planned on quitting together, so I just replied, "thanks." That's when I realized she blocked me. The last words she left me with were just that. No goodbye, nothing. And at this point, she became my latest ex, I guess. Everyone around me tells me I should get over her and that I deserve more, but I was alone most of my life, and I can't stand it.
I tried to get help and got antidepressants, but they made me more suicidal over the past month than I was ever before. I just can't get the thought out of my head that I don't need to suffer any longer because my reason to continue this suffering is gone. I just play pretend now to not bother anyone who doesn't need to know. Even my scars are in places that you normally won't see now, whereas before, I didn't care and cut wherever I felt it was necessary.
What no one wants to hear is that she found me. I got no matches the whole time, and well, that's the short version of this fucking never-ending nightmare that keeps on fucking me over. I can't hold a long-term relationship because I get attached too quickly and easily. Everyone seems to get scared off. So, I'm here at work typing this because it won't matter if my boss shits on me again. I don't plan on trying to rebuild it again just for it to fall down on me again and again and again. It just happened all the time. I know most say that's life, and I really try to appreciate the good things, but it's hard to see when after 3 years the girl I wanted to marry didn't have enough feelings left for me to say farewell. I just can't see any good things anymore.
So, I know when I CTB, almost no one will notice at first. My friends live too far away, and they are used to it when I "vanish" off the internet for weeks or months or even 2 years at most. So, they would probably forget me and wouldn't even connect the dots and just think I started anew. To be honest, I'd rather they think of me like that than know I gave up and left them behind. But I got left behind so often myself that I just don't give a shit. I've got an excuse for everything. My mother would be sad, sure, but she knows how much I torment myself, and she would at least know I finally got peace. But I'm a fucking coward, so I'll probably commit to the night-night method with wool socks and a belt my ex left behind. Seems fitting. I'm self-aware enough to notice the cringe myself, but she was everything to me, and I ripped myself apart for her. I can clearly see she didn't invest even half into the relationship, so my life feels like a fucking joke.
I can't promise to respond to this thread today since I didn't sleep after all that and am barely functioning at work. But if someone reads all this, it means something to me because writing is the only artistic form of venting I have. I can't draw or do anything else.
I just want someone to comfort me when I lie awake at night while my demons torture me, but all I've got so far is the feeling of not being enough and the overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
First off, I'm using a translator since I'm not a native English speaker. If anyone reads this, they deserve something that is somehow understandable. Well, this is going to be a mix of a vent and a story of why I ended up here.
Just to be quick: I've been suicidal since I was 13. My then-girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend, but I never really tried to end it then, just self-harm and self-destructive behavior. Once I got close by hanging myself with a charger cable from a metal standing fan, but I just couldn't do it. I felt like there was more, but now that feeling is gone, and here's why:
My first memory is a trauma of my dad pretending he didn't know me in a place full of strangers. I remember how fucking lost I felt, and he often did such "jokes." My first relationships were all LDRs, and I was just a kid, but almost every one ended in me being cheated on after some months. That messed me up good. The last relationship was so toxic that my ex tortured me mentally by making false promises and giving me hope that she would visit me again. The day came, and I just sat there in silence. I was stupid and kept dreaming. After 4 years, I broke free and found some real friends. They live far away but are really great.
After 2 more years of stalling and literally doing nothing with my life, I was ready to start over and commit to a relationship again. I tried Tinder out of all places while on vacation at my best friend's place. After 2 weeks, I was about to give up. Literally that day, a girl texted me. The next day we met, and we both got kicked out of the place I was staying at and were practically homeless for a night without knowing each other. We bonded so hard in this situation and were practically fused together. Our interests matched, and the next days were more chilled. After I went back home, she visited me regularly. It was difficult to visit her because of her dad. He was against it from the start and kicked her out when we met.
I had the choice to leave her alone in the night and stay at my friend's or stick together. To keep it short, after a year, she moved in with me. On a side note, I still live with my mother, but we are cool and are more like roommates, so everyone does their part. My girlfriend needed to retake her exams because she missed them in her youth, and that would take 3 years. So, I was the one to support us all financially. My mom is mostly jobless, so I carried us all on an underpaid apprenticeship in which I am still stuck for another year. I love the work, but it stresses me out sometimes because I'm literally responsible for what feels like everything at home and at work. My boss loads so much on me that I can barely keep up, and I'm still broke at the end of the month.
Because of the tight space, my girlfriend and I argued sometimes, but we never went to bed with a grudge and handled it all. Now, after 3 years (a month ago), she took her stuff while I was at work and just left. It was clear that this would happen because that was the only way for the state to give her money, as her parents are literally assholes who didn't support her or us. We planned on using the new "space to breathe" to just grow together, and after a year when we could afford it, move into a flat that we chose. Well, a week went by, and she just ghosted me while I thought she just needed a break. We met after some days, and it was weird. She didn't look me in the eyes, and we just saw each other for literal minutes. I gave her a stuffed animal I gifted her after I started my job so she wouldn't miss me as much.
Then another week went by. I had my friends over, and my girlfriend always thought they hated her, but they never had a reason and told her that. She wouldn't accept it because in her head it couldn't be different. I really tried helping her with that, but she blocked every compliment and even just laughed them off. I even got her a ring that I planned on using sometime next year to propose. Well, after my friends left, some days went by again, and she texted me saying that she misses me and we could meet up. So, we met for just a few hours, but damn, it was great. We talked, and she promised me after a goodbye kiss that we'd see each other and that it wouldn't be the end.
Fast forward 2 days, and she officially broke up with me saying, "just search for someone else." That hurts the most, like I would just give a damn about everything that we went through and managed together. I still hoped we could work it out and wanted to let some time pass. Another day passed (we reach yesterday), and while I was at work, she texted me the number of her plug with something like, "the next time you need something, just ask him." I just thought that was weird because we planned on quitting together, so I just replied, "thanks." That's when I realized she blocked me. The last words she left me with were just that. No goodbye, nothing. And at this point, she became my latest ex, I guess. Everyone around me tells me I should get over her and that I deserve more, but I was alone most of my life, and I can't stand it.
I tried to get help and got antidepressants, but they made me more suicidal over the past month than I was ever before. I just can't get the thought out of my head that I don't need to suffer any longer because my reason to continue this suffering is gone. I just play pretend now to not bother anyone who doesn't need to know. Even my scars are in places that you normally won't see now, whereas before, I didn't care and cut wherever I felt it was necessary.
What no one wants to hear is that she found me. I got no matches the whole time, and well, that's the short version of this fucking never-ending nightmare that keeps on fucking me over. I can't hold a long-term relationship because I get attached too quickly and easily. Everyone seems to get scared off. So, I'm here at work typing this because it won't matter if my boss shits on me again. I don't plan on trying to rebuild it again just for it to fall down on me again and again and again. It just happened all the time. I know most say that's life, and I really try to appreciate the good things, but it's hard to see when after 3 years the girl I wanted to marry didn't have enough feelings left for me to say farewell. I just can't see any good things anymore.
So, I know when I CTB, almost no one will notice at first. My friends live too far away, and they are used to it when I "vanish" off the internet for weeks or months or even 2 years at most. So, they would probably forget me and wouldn't even connect the dots and just think I started anew. To be honest, I'd rather they think of me like that than know I gave up and left them behind. But I got left behind so often myself that I just don't give a shit. I've got an excuse for everything. My mother would be sad, sure, but she knows how much I torment myself, and she would at least know I finally got peace. But I'm a fucking coward, so I'll probably commit to the night-night method with wool socks and a belt my ex left behind. Seems fitting. I'm self-aware enough to notice the cringe myself, but she was everything to me, and I ripped myself apart for her. I can clearly see she didn't invest even half into the relationship, so my life feels like a fucking joke.
I can't promise to respond to this thread today since I didn't sleep after all that and am barely functioning at work. But if someone reads all this, it means something to me because writing is the only artistic form of venting I have. I can't draw or do anything else.
I just want someone to comfort me when I lie awake at night while my demons torture me, but all I've got so far is the feeling of not being enough and the overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
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