Story Why does nothing work?

[Done_Surviving]

I just got out of a meeting with my boss, and he was so kind and understanding of my conditions, and I showed him the pure excuse of crap I tried to pass as a storyboard, and he said that it was great, that it just needed a few changes and that he could help me and tutor me through zoom. And then he and his assistant encouraged me to keep working and do some background designs, even though I told them that I sucked at it and that they would probably look bad but they told me to just try it even if it's sketchy, and I said okay, and they told me to not talk badly about myself or my skills again because it was okay and I was just starting to learn.

And they were so kind and so comprehensive. And when the Zoom meeting ended I just started crying. I should be happy and motivated to continue working and believe what they say. But I don't I feel so worthless and talentless, and I hate myself and I'm crying, even though everyone around me is supportive and kind. And they tell me to erase the bad thoughts from my head, and that I'm a great person. And I try to push the bad thoughts away, but I can't, I tried with therapy, with antidepressants, with mood stabilizers, with Yoga, with exercise, with meditation, with fucking acupuncture and crystals, and church and religion, and spiritualism I even began to microdose myself with psilocybin, but nothing fucking works! I still hate myself, I still waste my time, I still don't put any real effort into changing. I say that I try to do better, but sometimes I doubt if it's true, am I even putting any effort at all or do I just like to stay stuck here in a limbo of pain and self-pity where I hurt myself and everyone I know? I feel like I'm going insane! I can't stop thinking that I want to die! I can't stop thinking about the glass shards I have saved up to swallow and go out throwing up blood, about my dad's gun that is so not well hidden downstairs, about how easy it would be to jump from the sixth floor of my college's library, about the bottles of anti-freeze and chlorine in the laundry room.

I can't stop spending my days and nights sleeping, instead of working or doing something productive. I can't go back to enjoy the hobbies I used to enjoy and laugh at the things I used to laugh about. I can't even enjoy it when my parents hug me and kiss me, even though most of the time I think that I crave physical contact! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? I DON'T HAVE REASONS OR EXCUSES TO BE LIKE THIS?! WAS I JUST BORN BROKEN AND THIS IS JUST THE SHATERING POINT?! AM I JUST WORTHLESS AND THE UNIVERSE IS TRYING TO MAKE ME GET RID OF MYSELF?! Everyone around me wants to help, but whatever they do, or say it just doesn't work. Maybe I don't want it to work. But I'm tired of feeling this way, of being this way. I have an ideal self I want to be, I want to strive to be someone successful, but whenever I take any steps to become that person my mind just fucks me up. Whether it is with a crisis, a panic attack, or a flare-up of my chronic illness. I want to make everything a fight for myself, I sabotage myself for failure. I know I shouldn't do that but I can't stop doing it. I just wish I could believe what everyone says about me, and believe that I'm a good person, that is destined for success. Or at least I want everyone to go along with me, and tell me I'm worthless and stupid and *etarded and that they hate me and that I make their lives miserable so that I can at least ctb without guilt.

 

[carac]

Sounds to me like you are a "people pleaser" and maybe a perfectionist too. People like this can be prone to struggling with mental and physical health issues as the burden takes its toll. I don't really know how to help, I have similar issues and still struggle all I can say is that I've learned to live with it. I want to say well done for trying so hard but sorry nothing has worked so far, sometimes it can be a constant battle and then something just clicks

Edit: I just realized I remember you from a previous thread, when i said the same thing about being a perfectionist.

 

[Done_Surviving]

Sounds to me like you are a "people pleaser" and maybe a perfectionist too. People like this can be prone to struggling with mental and physical health issues as the burden takes its toll. I don't really know how to help, I have similar issues and still struggle all I can say is that I've learned to live with it. I want to say well done for trying so hard but sorry nothing has worked so far, sometimes it can be a constant battle and then something just clicks

Edit: I just realized I remember you from a previous thread, when i said the same thing about being a perfectionist.

Yeah you did, don't worry it made me chuckle. And again you're right. It's just, I don't even know anymore.... I guess I also have to learn to live with it. One would think that after 21 years I would already get over it. Anyway, thanks you for replying<3

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I relate a lot to the struggles you share OP. I appreciate that you had the courage to share.

As someone mentioned, I see a lot of people pleasing and perfectionism. I say that, because I'm also like that. It's really a struggle. Have you ever heard of RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria)? I found a lot of help in learning about it - primarily in understanding it's not as unusual as it feels.

The intensity of the feeling is challenging to manage, particularly when there's a pressure to "act normal". Hearing you talk about crying on the Zoom call hit hard for me, as I've been in similar situations. It's painfully embarrassing.

From the general idea I get of your work situation, it seems to me that you're likely very talented. To be able to get to that position you surely were able to show work they appreciated. It sounds like they are willing to provide support to help you grow.

As someone who also has to manage these kinds of feelings, I know it's really hard to be kinder to yourself. We are definitely our own worse critics.

---

A good article on RSD. It's framed by autism and complex trauma, but I feel it's applicable to others too.

Living with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is common in neurodivergent people and people with complex trauma. This article explains what it’s like.

neuroclastic.com

 

[Done_Surviving]

I relate a lot to the struggles you share OP. I appreciate that you had the courage to share.

As someone mentioned, I see a lot of people pleasing and perfectionism. I say that, because I'm also like that. It's really a struggle. Have you ever heard of RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria)? I found a lot of help in learning about it - primarily in understanding it's not as unusual as it feels.

The intensity of the feeling is challenging to manage, particularly when there's a pressure to "act normal". Hearing you talk about crying on the Zoom call hit hard for me, as I've been in similar situations. It's painfully embarrassing.

From the general idea I get of your work situation, it seems to me that you're likely very talented. To be able to get to that position you surely were able to show work they appreciated. It sounds like they are willing to provide support to help you grow.

As someone who also has to manage these kinds of feelings, I know it's really hard to be kinder to yourself. We are definitely our own worse critics.

---

A good article on RSD. It's framed by autism and complex trauma, but I feel it's applicable to others too.

Living with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is common in neurodivergent people and people with complex trauma. This article explains what it’s like.

neuroclastic.com

Thank you so much, I will read into RSD and the article you sent me. It's funny because just right after I was diagnosed with my chronic illness (an autoimmune disease) a doctor who was trying to explain the whole link between emotions and sickness and spiritual stuff like that, told me that autoimmune diseases often happen because the person rejects something within themselves so much that their own body starts to attack itself. But then again, maybe it's all bullshit, so I don't know. I do reject a lot of things about myself, there are a lot of things about myself that I don't like. But I just don't know how to make peace with it all I guess.

Yes, I am definitely a people pleaser, or at least I try to be because everyone seems to have an unpleasant experience with me, or maybe I'm just paranoid. I do love my job, it's actually an unpaid internship lol, but if I manage to stick it out and put a bit more effort into it I will start getting paid by next year hopefully. And I'm sorry that you also feel this way, I know it sucks and I wish I could say something more helpful as you said to me but I'm just so lost and so tired. I can only thank you again for your comment and for reading my sob self-pity post <3

 

[Abandoned Character]

Thanks for sharing this, I read it all and some of it resonates deeply with me. I don't have much else to say other than this reminds me of imposter syndrome. I don't have a solution, just want to say you're not alone.

 

[Wouldpecker]

I'm in the same work-related failure spiral, OP, and I can offer a couple of things that sometimes works for me when I feel like a talentless, useless piece of shit everyone hates and the world would be better off if I took a bullet lunch:

1. Make a list of positives and negatives. About you, your life, your job, etc. Whatever you think would be good to judge and list. And be as objective as you can be. That means if someone compliments you, you write it down, even if you don't believe it. Unless you think they have a good reason to lie to you, which I would hope your boss doesn't. This can be kind of dangerous because sometimes it makes me feel more worthless, but it does usually help me feel less lost to have a nice list.

2. Don't push the bad thoughts away. Sit with them and feel them and let them do whatever they want. Don't try to control them. Let them repeat if they want to. It's something my therapist told me and it sounds paradoxical, but at least for me, it helps.

3. Sleeping is good. You don't have to be productive all the time. I don't believe this myself, but I think it's probably true. So I'll tell you, just in case it's more believable coming from an internet stranger.

Also, you said you were doing storyboard/design? So you're in some sort of art field? Those are hard jobs/internships to get, and if your boss didn't think you'd eventually produce more value for him than the value he put into training you he'd drop you like a hot potato-just the fact that you've gotten a foot into the field means you're objectively more talented and worthy than most people who tried to become artists (take it from someone who tried and was objectively not talented enough!) Maybe none of this is helpful, I don't know, but I'm also lost and tired and have tried doing everything "right" and hate the way I am and have no good reason for being as shit as I am, and your post made me feel a little better, because it meant I didn't feel so alone. You might not have this, but either way, you've done a lot. That's something to be proud of.

 

[Done_Surviving]

I'm in the same work-related failure spiral, OP, and I can offer a couple of things that sometimes works for me when I feel like a talentless, useless piece of shit everyone hates and the world would be better off if I took a bullet lunch:

1. Make a list of positives and negatives. About you, your life, your job, etc. Whatever you think would be good to judge and list. And be as objective as you can be. That means if someone compliments you, you write it down, even if you don't believe it. Unless you think they have a good reason to lie to you, which I would hope your boss doesn't. This can be kind of dangerous because sometimes it makes me feel more worthless, but it does usually help me feel less lost to have a nice list.

2. Don't push the bad thoughts away. Sit with them and feel them and let them do whatever they want. Don't try to control them. Let them repeat if they want to. It's something my therapist told me and it sounds paradoxical, but at least for me, it helps.

3. Sleeping is good. You don't have to be productive all the time. I don't believe this myself, but I think it's probably true. So I'll tell you, just in case it's more believable coming from an internet stranger.

Also, you said you were doing storyboard/design? So you're in some sort of art field? Those are hard jobs/internships to get, and if your boss didn't think you'd eventually produce more value for him than the value he put into training you he'd drop you like a hot potato-just the fact that you've gotten a foot into the field means you're objectively more talented and worthy than most people who tried to become artists (take it from someone who tried and was objectively not talented enough!) Maybe none of this is helpful, I don't know, but I'm also lost and tired and have tried doing everything "right" and hate the way I am and have no good reason for being as shit as I am, and your post made me feel a little better, because it meant I didn't feel so alone. You might not have this, but either way, you've done a lot. That's something to be proud of.

Oh wow, thank you so much, I think this is actually really helpful. I actually used to write affirmations for a while, and it did help for a while, but then I had a breakdown, bla, bla, bla. But what you say sounds really interesting, everyone has always told me to push the negative away and to only focus on the positive and be grateful for the little things and all that bullshit, but I guess I've never actually compared my autodestructive thoughts with concrete reality if you know what I mean. I will try to do everything you suggest for a while, and if I hopefully remember I'll update you on how it goes XD.

And about my internship, yes, I actually studied 2D animation, and it's my dream to make it into the industry one day. Everyone says the same kind things as you, that I'm doing okay, that I'm still learning, and that I shouldn't compare my work to other artists. But it's hard, especially because it's an environment where everyone and everything is about "bettering" and practicing to get better. Is like everywhere I look is like "You need to be drawing at least one drawing every day, and practice anatomy, and perspective, and watch conferences, and keep a sketchbook with you all the time and sketch in the bathroom, and in the bus, and while you eat and post art, and accept art challenges and do inktober and use social media and accept commissions and update your portfolio and do studies". And it's just a lot!! Last semester I went through a complete burnout. It got to a point that just picking up a pencil, or just thinking about drawing triggered a full-on panic attack! I used to enjoy drawing and painting especially, but now it makes me sick just to think about the background designs I'm supposed to make for today. And it's so frustrating because I do love my career, I love animation, and it's always been my dream to have my own show. And it sucks that I'm not able to keep up with what I'm supposed to do. Anyway, I went on another rant tangent, thank you so much for the advice, <3 I will try to keep up with my recovery, and I wish you the best things in life <3

 

[Wouldpecker]

And about my internship, yes, I actually studied 2D animation, and it's my dream to make it into the industry one day. Everyone says the same kind things as you, that I'm doing okay, that I'm still learning, and that I shouldn't compare my work to other artists. But it's hard, especially because it's an environment where everyone and everything is about "bettering" and practicing to get better. Is like everywhere I look is like "You need to be drawing at least one drawing every day, and practice anatomy, and perspective, and watch conferences, and keep a sketchbook with you all the time and sketch in the bathroom, and in the bus, and while you eat and post art, and accept art challenges and do inktober and use social media and accept commissions and update your portfolio and do studies". And it's just a lot!! Last semester I went through a complete burnout. It got to a point that just picking up a pencil, or just thinking about drawing triggered a full-on panic attack! I used to enjoy drawing and painting especially, but now it makes me sick just to think about the background designs I'm supposed to make for today. And it's so frustrating because I do love my career, I love animation, and it's always been my dream to have my own show. And it sucks that I'm not able to keep up with what I'm supposed to do. Anyway, I went on another rant tangent, thank you so much for the advice, <3 I will try to keep up with my recovery, and I wish you the best things in life <3

It feels like you took the words directly out of my brain there. That exact rant's been playing on loop in my brain for the past... oh... four years? And I agree, it's hard, especially when people say not to compare your work with other artists, but... that's not how the real world works. If you don't know where you stand, you don't know where you can realistically go.

I think sometimes you need to just sit with the bad thoughts and realize that yeah, you are worse than other artists and you are lazier and you are not doing as much. Maybe that's okay. Maybe it isn't. Maybe you're trying your best, and your best isn't enough, and that's not okay, but it's what is happening at the moment, so just sit with that for a bit and don't waste your limited energy on trying to push it away. I feel you on the burnout. I used to love art (talking writing here, not drawing, but the feelings are the same) and yesterday I was thinking about writing and got so stressed it made me sick, so I slept instead. I'm still trying to convince myself that's okay.

Best of luck on your dream. We badly need more 2D animators, it's such a beautiful and under respected art form. Have you ever seen Song of the Sea? It's a 2D animated film by Cartoon Saloon. I saw it when I was very young, and I've never forgotten it. Absolutely beautiful movie.

If you ever want to scream into the void, my messages are open. Feel free.

 

[Done_Surviving]

It feels like you took the words directly out of my brain there. That exact rant's been playing on loop in my brain for the past... oh... four years? And I agree, it's hard, especially when people say not to compare your work with other artists, but... that's not how the real world works. If you don't know where you stand, you don't know where you can realistically go.

I think sometimes you need to just sit with the bad thoughts and realize that yeah, you are worse than other artists and you are lazier and you are not doing as much. Maybe that's okay. Maybe it isn't. Maybe you're trying your best, and your best isn't enough, and that's not okay, but it's what is happening at the moment, so just sit with that for a bit and don't waste your limited energy on trying to push it away. I feel you on the burnout. I used to love art (talking writing here, not drawing, but the feelings are the same) and yesterday I was thinking about writing and got so stressed it made me sick, so I slept instead. I'm still trying to convince myself that's okay.

Best of luck on your dream. We badly need more 2D animators, it's such a beautiful and under respected art form. Have you ever seen Song of the Sea? It's a 2D animated film by Cartoon Saloon. I saw it when I was very young, and I've never forgotten it. Absolutely beautiful movie.

If you ever want to scream into the void, my messages are open. Feel free.

Thank you<3 I'll keep it in mind

 

[TooConscious]

Sounds like a typical case of too much empathy. I don't know if you buy into any beliefs regarding suicide but you shouldn't have any guilt if you haven't manipulated others to abuse them. If people want to live in a world that creates a feeling of a trap if they penalize us for needing to leave it then that's on them not us.

My family made me believe they cared about me more than they did, and when me repressing my feelings manifested in physical illness it was clear they only cared about their own interests above all where as I was always putting others first. A long time it took to undo theirs and societies poor teachings.