Janine

Janine

"The man who hunts two bunnies will catch neither"
Mar 18, 2023
15
Hey, thanks in advance for reading this. For as long as I can recall, I've always gotten along well with everyone; no enemies, many people's phone numbers and frequent conversations at work/college/school, you name it. Despite all of these things, something that has always bothered me is that I am, and was always lonely. Never have I been invited to any birthday/house parties or just to hang out. Always the one to ask and never the one to be asked, you know. It is truly like a curse; when I was younger, me and my mother would've always prepared my party, inviting as many friends as I was allowed to (financially possible, that was.), but I never got any invitations, favours (...) back from these people. Throughout my entire school and collecge career, I tried building up contact, but was always met with a "Sure, I'll tell you next time we'll hang out/do xyz". No success, obviously. It's seriously tiring to see how easy it is for the people around me to get along well with each other while no one can tell me what I am doing wrong or what is so different about me. It's just awful. If your attention span has allowed you to read to this point, thanks again. Does anyone have any similar experiences with this or perhaps even advice on how to handle it?
 
Viranamari

Viranamari

A future corpse
Feb 22, 2023
186
I definitely understand what you mean. I always treat people with respect and even brush my depression aside for them, but I was never once invited to anything, At the same time, there are people who bully others for fun yet still get invited to everything. After all, the world is a rotten and unfair place so this treatment should be expected. I hope things get better for you. Those people aren't worth your time.
 
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Darkover

Darkover

Enlightened
Jul 29, 2021
1,624
i've had no friends for 10 years now, it does bother me a little bit from time to time but it's no biggie for me
 
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A

absolomonisgone

Member
Jan 23, 2023
95
I'm opposite. People always invite me for things. I refuse to go. Then now they hate me for refuse to go to their things. Now fear they may refuse to burry me. I don't like people. All people
 
absurdtimeline

absurdtimeline

Specialist
Aug 16, 2022
331
Do you know an honest, kind and insightful person you can simply ask?

This is the sort of thing that's hard to diagnose over text, but likely obvious in a brief conversation. Unfortunately that may conflict with anonymity. So one solution is to find someone obviously trustworthy and helpful, and converse over say Telegram. Never sharing phone number, identifying info or anything concrete
 
Janine

Janine

"The man who hunts two bunnies will catch neither"
Mar 18, 2023
15
Thanks, for the answer, but I'm afraid there isn't. I'm also pretty sure that if there was a person of that nature, I still wouldn't be able to get myself to talk to them about something like that.
Never sharing phone number, identifying info or anything concrete
Furthermore, what exactly do you mean by that?
 
Seven Threads Twine

Seven Threads Twine

Iterator
Mar 5, 2023
65
Hey there, Janine! I hear you, it's incredibly perplexing when people seem to like you, yet you can't make any real social progress. Honestly I'm in the same boat, everyone seems to like and appreciate me in a general sense, but I can't seem to make an actual friend or a real connection to save my soul. Admittesly I don't actually try very much (a bit of a social hermit if I'm being honest) but I  have tried, and met with about the same amount of success.

If I may ask a personal question, are you perhaps neurodivergent in any way? I'm an autist with adhd myself, and I've come to believe that's primarily what is behind my lack of social success. Neurotypical people tend to be somewhat uncomfortable when socially exposed to a divergent person for any real length of time. People like me don't quite understand the rules, you see. We do things in strange ways sometimes, ask odd questions or make weird observations. We can share a little too much, or expect others to share as readily as we do and create discomfort and pressure that we didn't even intend. I've become aware of myself doing that very thing on quite a few occasions. Hell, look at some of my posts, it's clear as day.

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me, I just work differently. And the people who avoid me aren't bad people, they're not, and they don't dislike me either. But there's a difference between liking someone and wanting to spend a lot of time with them.

I wish I could say I was immune to it myself, but I'm not. I have a coworker at my place of employment who I suspect to be an autist as well, but in a somewhat different manner than myself that I can't really relate to. Not all autists experience things the same way as each other. And he's a good guy! He's helpful, generally supportive, does good work. I like him as a coworker and an associate, and as a human person, I wish him only the best. But it still makes me uncomfortable to interact with him for any length of time, something about the way he interacts socially just creates this off feeling in my brain that I can't readily describe. So if he ever asked to hang out with me or wanted to have some kind of relationship beyond being coworkers, I'd probably have to say I'm good and back away. And the fact that I, someone who has experienced this reaction first-hand multiple times, can still experience it myself, just serves to emphasize that there's something going on either neurologically or within our social dynamic that is simply outside of our control.

I don't know that this is the case with you. I don't know your experience or your history, so it is entirely possible that none of this applies. But based on how you describe it, I struggle to think of any other explanation for why people would seem to be friendly under normal conditions but not really want to associate personally. And if it is true, it doesn't mean that they don't like you or are only pretending. It just means that you don't mesh well in your social interactions, and you might need to find someone who's a little more like you and can relate to you on your level.
 
epic

epic

Enlightened
Aug 9, 2019
1,606
It's tough to answer your question without knowing more .
It could be that -
-Your interests might not be overlapping .
-Personalities might not be complimentary .
-There might be socioeconomic differences .
-Or it could be some traits you have which are seen as undesirable . Speaking a lot, Not speaking at all, Bringing up topics which can be perceived as inappropriate etc
 
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absurdtimeline

absurdtimeline

Specialist
Aug 16, 2022
331
Well, ideally you could ask a friend or someone trustworthy online

Or you could ask someone here. Unfortunately, this forum is mostly populated by suicidal people living in irrational dystopias that may lock us away upon discovering we're suicidal. Annoying, to say the least. So we don't exactly blab our identities

Thus, if you want to discuss things over voice, it helps to communicate in a way that doesn't divulge your identity. Your identity's not necessary to assess how you're different from others. Even giving false info is fine
 
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Janine

Janine

"The man who hunts two bunnies will catch neither"
Mar 18, 2023
15
Hey there, Janine! I hear you, it's incredibly perplexing when people seem to like you, yet you can't make any real social progress. Honestly I'm in the same boat, everyone seems to like and appreciate me in a general sense, but I can't seem to make an actual friend or a real connection to save my soul. Admittesly I don't actually try very much (a bit of a social hermit if I'm being honest) but I  have tried, and met with about the same amount of success.

If I may ask a personal question, are you perhaps neurodivergent in any way? I'm an autist with adhd myself, and I've come to believe that's primarily what is behind my lack of social success. Neurotypical people tend to be somewhat uncomfortable when socially exposed to a divergent person for any real length of time. People like me don't quite understand the rules, you see. We do things in strange ways sometimes, ask odd questions or make weird observations. We can share a little too much, or expect others to share as readily as we do and create discomfort and pressure that we didn't even intend. I've become aware of myself doing that very thing on quite a few occasions. Hell, look at some of my posts, it's clear as day.

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me, I just work differently. And the people who avoid me aren't bad people, they're not, and they don't dislike me either. But there's a difference between liking someone and wanting to spend a lot of time with them.

I wish I could say I was immune to it myself, but I'm not. I have a coworker at my place of employment who I suspect to be an autist as well, but in a somewhat different manner than myself that I can't really relate to. Not all autists experience things the same way as each other. And he's a good guy! He's helpful, generally supportive, does good work. I like him as a coworker and an associate, and as a human person, I wish him only the best. But it still makes me uncomfortable to interact with him for any length of time, something about the way he interacts socially just creates this off feeling in my brain that I can't readily describe. So if he ever asked to hang out with me or wanted to have some kind of relationship beyond being coworkers, I'd probably have to say I'm good and back away. And the fact that I, someone who has experienced this reaction first-hand multiple times, can still experience it myself, just serves to emphasize that there's something going on either neurologically or within our social dynamic that is simply outside of our control.

I don't know that this is the case with you. I don't know your experience or your history, so it is entirely possible that none of this applies. But based on how you describe it, I struggle to think of any other explanation for why people would seem to be friendly under normal conditions but not really want to associate personally. And if it is true, it doesn't mean that they don't like you or are only pretending. It just means that you don't mesh well in your social interactions, and you might need to find someone who's a little more like you and can relate to you on your level.
Thanks for such a detailed answer! I'll send you a dm to make it a litlle more private.
 
Seven Threads Twine

Seven Threads Twine

Iterator
Mar 5, 2023
65
Thanks for such a detailed answer! I'll send you a dm to make it a litlle more private.
You're more than welcome to! Just know I won't be able to answer for a bit over an hour. Just leaving work. :P
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She dreams of eternal sleep
Sep 24, 2020
20,087
I guess the way to deal with this is to accept the fact that you just cannot trust and rely on people in this world, people can certainly be very cruel and disappointing. It’s just better to be alone when humans are so unpredictable, other people very often just lead to more problems.
 
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Janine

Janine

"The man who hunts two bunnies will catch neither"
Mar 18, 2023
15
I guess the way to deal with this is to accept the fact that you just cannot trust and rely on people in this world, people can certainly be very cruel and disappointing. It’s just better to be alone when humans are so unpredictable, other people very often just lead to more problems.
I think you're right, and while being alone is quite enjoyable for me too, I'd much prefer to be with someone I can trust. Is everyone you've met cruel and untrustworthy too?
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She dreams of eternal sleep
Sep 24, 2020
20,087
I think you're right, and while being alone is quite enjoyable for me too, I'd much prefer to be with someone I can trust. Is everyone you've met cruel and untrustworthy too?
I’ve spent my whole life avoiding people, and I don’t really meet them. But I remember that when I was in forced education many years back, a lot of the people were cruel then, and as well as that I’m just aware of the harm that humans have caused to other people.
 
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Janine

Janine

"The man who hunts two bunnies will catch neither"
Mar 18, 2023
15
I’ve spent my whole life avoiding people, and I don’t really meet them. But I remember that when I was in forced education many years back, a lot of the people were cruel then, and as well as that I’m just aware of the harm that humans have caused to other people.
Sounds terrible. Humans are truly fascinating creatures, destroying everything around them,even their own kind.
 
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Seven Threads Twine

Seven Threads Twine

Iterator
Mar 5, 2023
65
I’ve spent my whole life avoiding people, and I don’t really meet them. But I remember that when I was in forced education many years back, a lot of the people were cruel then, and as well as that I’m just aware of the harm that humans have caused to other people.
Jesus. My older brother went through forced education back when he was a kid, and it damaged him in quite a number of ways. To hear him tell it, the institution was ignorant, dismissive, and cruel to the point where he could comfortably call it evil, and I have no reason to doubt him. I am sorry you had to go through something similar, and I can certainly understand why you'd see other people as a threat.

Not everyone's like that, though. You've been here for ages, and seen the kind of compassion that exists in this community. I'm not going to tell you to open up and start letting people in. For one, you'd probably tell me it's none of my business, and you'd be right. It's not. Moreover, you gotta do whatever you need to in order to feel safe, and if that means avoiding people whole cloth, that response is more than justified. But I do hope you've seen enough here to know that people are more than just...well,  that. A lot of us just want to avoid some form of suffering, and try to do right by each other as best we can, even if we don't always know how.

Beyond that, I hope you're doing as well as you can, all things considered. Be seeing you around.
 
SilentSadness

SilentSadness

I wish to be free from it all.
Feb 28, 2023
268
I am also alone all of the time, I don't mind but it seems others are unnecessarily cruel every opportunity they receive. They always prioritise their own interests over anything else, as humans generally do. One thing which bothers me is how angry they get when I don't look happy, so I always put up a pretence when I have to be around others. I truly wish to be dead and even on the internet very few people think I'm allowed to think that. This world is overwhelmingly negative to me and I can't seem to understand why others like it so much. I hope you find someone who understands you soon.
 
Janine

Janine

"The man who hunts two bunnies will catch neither"
Mar 18, 2023
15
I am also alone all of the time, I don't mind but it seems others are unnecessarily cruel every opportunity they receive. They always prioritise their own interests over anything else, as humans generally do. One thing which bothers me is how angry they get when I don't look happy, so I always put up a pretence when I have to be around others. I truly wish to be dead and even on the internet very few people think I'm allowed to think that. This world is overwhelmingly negative to me and I can't seem to understand why others like it so much. I hope you find someone who understands you soon.
Thank you so much. I can relate to everything you said, please send me a message if you want to talk about it.
 
Kanashii

Kanashii

Somehow living, not dead yet.
Mar 16, 2023
18
I am also alone all of the time, I don't mind but it seems others are unnecessarily cruel every opportunity they receive. They always prioritise their own interests over anything else, as humans generally do. One thing which bothers me is how angry they get when I don't look happy, so I always put up a pretence when I have to be around others. I truly wish to be dead and even on the internet very few people think I'm allowed to think that. This world is overwhelmingly negative to me and I can't seem to understand why others like it so much. I hope you find someone who understands you soon.
I feel the same mostly. The people who are around me I feel don't care "enough", or sometimes even at all. A lot of the time if I'm going through something I just have to deal with it myself because there's no one there to vent to or talk to someone about even if it's a minor thing. I also dislike it when people get angry over me not being happy. It's like as if the only emotion you can have is happiness which just pisses me off. I think a lot of people in general don't understand what it's like to be in the position we're in.
 
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