Venting Why does CTB have to be such an exquisitely effortful ORDEAL

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I guess this would depend on your method, but with my method it's not just the actual act of CTB that's hard, it's everything leading up to it.

I'll be dying outside the home so I have to make sure that everything is in order for the next person that walks in, like making sure my Note and will are easy to find, the garbage has been taken out, there's no laundry to do, etc., there are a bunch of minor preparations like that, the whole thing takes at least like three hours.

Then there's actually getting to the site, which for me is a 40-minute bike ride (with 15kg on my back too). There can't be any witnesses so I have to go at 2-3AM, and I honestly hate being out at that time, in total darkness. I live in a safe city but I can never feel fully safe when out alone at that time, plus the bike ride takes me through a shadier part of town, which is always kind of nervewracking -- not nice to feel when you're trying to go find your peace.

Finally, once I'm at the spot, I have to be on constant guard for cars/pedestrians/bikes; even though it's a very deserted time, I live in one of the top 10 most populated cities in North America, so there will still be the odd person and I can't do anything until I have a "gap." It's only then that I can even think about actually going through with CTB.

And that's not even to mention the fact that during this entire time, I have to mentally prepare myself too, which takes even more effort than the physical stuff!


Anyway I don't have anything of value to say, I just wanted to vent about this because I feel that it has held me back from successfully CTBing. I don't want to prolong my life. I said I never wanted to see another summer, yet here I am, approaching May. Everytime I go through this ordeal and have an "aborted attempt," which has happened twice now, it takes so much out of me and I need like two weeks just to recuperate, before I can even think of attempting again. God forbid at this rate I might make it to my birthday in October.

I'm just tired of it all. I don't want to have to do any of this again, I just want to be magically transported to my location the moment I decide I'm ready, and then just do it. Seriously starting to consider just taking a taxi there instead of biking, but I don't really want to involve anyone else and it'd be awfully suspicious...

 

[anhedonya]

I know it's your choice but I don't want to encourage you towards it either- I did want to say though that I disagree, you do have things of value to say. I'm sorry things have become so difficult but I hear you and I care about what you have to talk about.

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

I am in the same situation. I have disabled my account twice and I can still log in here and I am still alive. But I don´t want to prolong my life. I think there is nothing more difficult than to kill yourself. My relatives are making my situation worse. They want me to suffer as long as possible before I die and they never change their minds. My mother wants to live forever and she has said that I must not die before her. But we don´t live in the same city and we never meet. She is just mean and in denial of death. Mean people should not have children. People should not reproduce if they do not want others to die. I must die because I was born. After all, there are relatives who help their relatives travelling to suicide clinics. However, I can´t wait out her death with my health problems. I have chronic pain and chronic illness, nothing psychic. My life is completed and I have lived too long. I want to live and die with dignity unlike my mother. With today´s high life expectancy, she can live more than 100 years which means that she can live at least another 20 years. We live in a time period where people are not expected to die - it is partly the society´s fault, but it is up to the individual how to react. Those of us who want to shorten our lives to avoid meaningless suffering don´t have it easy in today´s society. We are expected to die slowly during the hell of ageing that can last for decades. Painful methods exacerbate the fear of the death process. Some methods are more difficult to succeed with than others but even assisted suicide sometimes fails. Because our planet is overpopulated and suicide is taboo, I think it is best to choose a method which makes it possible to die alone in the home or in a hotel room where no one can stop you. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I am in the same situation. I have disabled my account twice and I can still log in here and I am still alive. But I don´t want to prolong my life. I think there is nothing more difficult than to kill yourself. My relatives are making my situation worse. They want me to suffer as long as possible before I die and they never change their minds. My mother wants to live forever and she has said that I must not die before her. But we don´t live in the same city and we never meet. She is just mean and in denial of death. After all, there are relatives who help their relatives travelling to suicide clinics. However, I can´t wait out her death with my health problems. With today´s high life expectancy, she can live more than 100 years which means that she can live at least another 20 years. Those of us who want to shorten our lives to avoid meaningless suffering don´t have it easy in today´s society. We are expected to die slowly during the hell of ageing that can last for decades. Painful methods exacerbate the fear of the death process. Some methods are more difficult to succeed with than others but even assisted suicide sometimes fails. Because our planet is overpopulated and suicide is taboo, I think it is best to choose a method which makes it possible to die alone in the home or in a hotel room where no one can stop you. I wish you the best of luck.

I'm sorry to hear that about your mother, reactions like that are why I've hidden my depression and suicidality from my entire family. I wonder how much suffering will finally be enough for your relatives to let you go in peace...

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Can I ask your method of choice? It is sooooo exhausting: the preparation. I have to get "better" just to do what I need to do before I ctb and obtain what I need to to even ctb; and that's before I even prepare to execute ctb... smh.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish it's not so difficult for one to die on their own terms, more than anything I wish there's the option to just fall into an eternal and dreamless sleep, I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Can I ask your method of choice?

Jumping off a bridge into a deep, wide, cold river with a weighted backpack securely tied to me. I'd put the probability of success at >90%. It has the advantage of being fairly quick, and if I lower my CO2 levels beforehand, not that painful. Also, it's quite literally a sink or swim situation, so there's almost zero chance of ending up a vegetable or injured (the bridge is not tall enough to cause serious nonfatal injury, and it would be extremely difficult to find me and rescue me in time even if there was a witness, which I've taken steps to avoid).

It is sooooo exhausting: the preparation. I have to get "better" just to do what I need to do before I ctb and obtain what I need to ctb.

Right?! Mood-wise I was in the gutter the other day, which made me exhausted, which incapacitated me from moving forward with CTB.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Jumping off a bridge into a deep, wide, cold river with a weighted backpack securely tied to me. I'd put the probability of success at >90%. It has the advantage of being fairly quick, and if I lower my CO2 levels beforehand, not that painful. Also, it's quite literally a sink or swim situation, so there's almost zero chance of ending up a vegetable or injured (the bridge is not tall enough to cause serious nonfatal injury, and it would be extremely difficult to find me and rescue me in time even if there was a witness, which I've taken steps to avoid).


Right?! Mood-wise I was in the gutter the other day, which made me exhausted, which incapacitated me from moving forward with CTB.

I was prescribed a stimulant. The only way I can do anything and I don't have an adhd diagnosis, which they're cracking down on you to have for insurance which is bs. That sounds like a miserable, painful death honestly.... :/ Also I don't know where you live, but the bridge would have to be super high up... :/

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I was prescribed a stimulant. The only way I can do anything and I don't have an adhd diagnosis, which they're cracking down on you to have for insurance which is bs. That sounds like a miserable, painful death honestly.... :/ Also I don't know where you live, but the bridge would have to be super high up... :/

Yeah that's the big downside of this method, it's not exactly peaceful (until the very last moments, at least). But I know myself, and I know what I am capable of, and I know that I am capable of this.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Yeah that's the big downside of this method, it's not exactly peaceful (until the very last moments, at least). But I know myself, and I know what I am capable of, and I know that I am capable of this.

Well if you're completely content with that I'm still sorry it may go down that way. I can pull a trigger, walk off a building, breathe carbon monoxide until I pass out, etc; but if it's not a quick, virtually painless way, I'm screwed. No way I could jump, break my back or limbs, and freeze while drowning to my death. I'm desperate too... Guess I'm just that much more weak than I already thought :/

 

[willitpass]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It really is exhausting.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Well if you're completely content with that I'm still sorry it may go down that way. I can pull a trigger, walk off a building, breathe carbon monoxide until I pass out, etc; but if it's not a quick, virtually painless way, I'm screwed. No way I could jump, break my back or limbs, and freeze while drowning to my death. I'm desperate too... Guess I'm just that much more weak than I already thought :/

We all have our limits, there's no "stronger" or "weaker." I might be able to throw myself into a cold, rushing river (my only "real" attempt was by doing that), but I would never be able to hang myself, even though that's the "easier" method.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this it's stressful. Good luck with whatever you decide to do I hope u find peace.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

We all have our limits, there's no "stronger" or "weaker." I might be able to throw myself into a cold, rushing river (my only "real" attempt was by doing that), but I would never be able to hang myself, even though that's the "easier" method.

There is a little. I see very little people on here talking about guns... then again maybe because they don't need a lot of knowledge to dot it, just money. The famous DJ dude slit his wrists but I tried that with a scalpel and that shit fucking hurts. You can barely see my little scar. But I know my father and uncle could do it of they didn't have any other method and wanted to die. They could take the pain. But my mother is deathly afraid of needles so Idk wtf... I can take pain, just not be the one to inflict it. Then again, I'd pull a "Saw" and cut my ankle off to undo my mistakes. So motivation is hard to decipher let alone predict.

Yeah hanging, I just cant. Id feel like Id be holding my breath. I'd totally fight it and get myself out. It's annoying though because there is a way... I mean I bugged my sister to let me in on the game where you press on the collar bone area? pressure points until you pass out, stupid, she was doing it with a friend but wouldn't do it on me until I begged smh

 

[rozeske]

It is relatable how it takes a chunk of you every time you get to that final moment and for some reason back out. It can be quite draining. Anyways I wish you luck and I hope you catch your break.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

There is a little. I see very little people on here talking about guns... then again maybe because they don't need a lot of knowledge to dot it, just money. The famous DJ dude slit his wrists but I tried that with a scalpel and that shit fucking hurts. You can barely see my little scar. But I know my father and uncle could do it of they didn't have any other method and wanted to die. They could take the pain. But my mother is deathly afraid of needles so Idk wtf... I can take pain, just not be the one to inflict it. Then again, I'd pull a "Saw" and cut my ankle off to undo my mistakes. So motivation is hard to decipher let alone predict.

For the gun question I think it's just because most people don't have access to them. Here in Canada if I wanted one it'd take me probably at least a couple of months and it'd be expensive, not to mention that there's a question on the license application form specifically asking about depression and past suicide attempts (both of which I have).

I wonder if it ultimately just comes down to risk tolerance. I don't think it's a coincidence that the two people you mentioned (father/uncle) are men, maybe if I had some of that testosterone I could finally go through with it lol (I'm female, despite my profile picture).

Yeah hanging, I just cant. Id feel like Id be holding my breath. I'd totally fight it and get myself out. It's annoying though because there is a way... I mean I bugged my sister to let me in on the game where you press on the collar bone area? pressure points until you pass out, stupid, she was doing it with a friend but wouldn't do it on me until I begged smh

Just the idea of something on my neck is enough to make me nervous. It definitely is annoying though because it's such a good method and has most of the advantages of my chosen method, except I can do it at home, which is a huge plus. This aversion seems to be very deeply ingrained though, very primal, so I doubt I'd ever be able to "overcome" it.

 

[Abyssal]

Yes, if it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing. that's my belief and I will always advise against impulsive or poorly planned suicide. We are already in so much pain I sure as hell am not going to watch someone's life get even worse if I can't help it.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

For the gun question I think it's just because most people don't have access to them. Here in Canada if I wanted one it'd take me probably at least a couple of months and it'd be expensive, not to mention that there's a question on the license application form specifically asking about depression and past suicide attempts (both of which I have).

I wonder if it ultimately just comes down to risk tolerance. I don't think it's a coincidence that the two people you mentioned (father/uncle) are men, maybe if I had some of that testosterone I could finally go through with it lol (I'm female, despite my profile picture).


Just the idea of something on my neck is enough to make me nervous. It definitely is annoying though because it's such a good method and has most of the advantages of my chosen method, except I can do it at home, which is a huge plus. This aversion seems to be very deeply ingrained though, very primal, so I doubt I'd ever be able to "overcome" it.

Yeah a lot of people here aren't Americans so guns are so prized and easily given away so I figured that factored in. They do come with a cost. That's why I haven't yet attempted to purchase one; and if I get the chance, I live in an easier state to get one but there's an "Have you ever been institutionalized?" question and I have. But it was 10 yrs ago more or mess so I don't know if that will still show up or if it was even put into the proper database. I didn't even stay the required 72hrs hold; I got out in like 36hrs? Because I was so pissed and fought it all the way to gtfo of the there. So I could end up being turned down. I have back ups planned. Havent finalized and still so much to do before I can go through with it, and I don't want to turn 33 in 5wks. I would sooner die lol.

I didn't know you were female lol. Before I finally looked at it, I thought your profile pic was that kid from that Netflix show "13 Reasons Why" or whatever it is. Cool :)

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

I'm sorry to hear that about your mother, reactions like that are why I've hidden my depression and suicidality from my entire family. I wonder how much suffering will finally be enough for your relatives to let you go in peace...

I'm sorry to hear that about your mother, reactions like that are why I've hidden my depression and suicidality from my entire family. I wonder how much suffering will finally be enough for your relatives to let you go in peace...

I am glad that I didn´t repeat my mother´s mistake - then at least someone doesn´t have to write here.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Yeah a lot of people here aren't Americans so guns are so prized and easily given away so I figured that factored in. They do come with a cost. That's why I haven't yet attempted to purchase one; and if I get the chance, I live in an easier state to get one but there's an "Have you ever been institutionalized?" question and I have. But it was 10 yrs ago more or mess so I don't know if that will still show up or if it was even put into the proper database. I didn't even stay the required 72hrs hold; I got out in like 36hrs? Because I was so pissed and fought it all the way to gtfo of the there. So I could end up being turned down. I have back ups planned. Havent finalized and still so much to do before I can go through with it, and I don't want to turn 33 in 5wks. I would sooner die lol.

There are also other downsides to guns, like leaving a gruesome body, getting over SI to pull the trigger in the first place, fear about brain damage, etc.

I didn't know you were female lol. Before I finally looked at it, I thought your profile pic was that kid from that Netflix show "13 Reasons Why" or whatever it is. Cool :)

Lol it's the character Alexei Kirillov from Dostoevsky's novel Demons. I chose him because he CTBs for purely logical reasons and I can only hope that one day I can find that kind of courage.