why does being treated nice make me feel bad

[trashisland]

idk if I can even count this as being treated nice but oh well. its my birthday today and my mother gave me a letter in my card. it was basically just her saying shes proud of me even if she doesnt say it, saying sorry for all the ways shes treated me, wishing I would talk to her if I have any issues and basically begging me to open up because I keep everything inside. and yes ill admit it made me cry a little because shes never said anything like that to me and my mindset has basically hit rock bottom already. like she says shes proud of me but what is there to be proud of? genuinely. I just cannot take it seriously in any way. I want to, because ive been desperately wishing for her to love me my entire life. honestly if she cared about me and I had a supportive family, I wouldnt even feel half as bad as I do about life. but I do feel that bad, and I just cant believe she loves me or even remotely cares about me. I dont know. I just cannot believe anyone would ever think of me as anything other than a disgusting waste of human life and it makes me feel terrible. I feel terrible now. I just wish I was never born

 

[thatonegirl]

I relate to this feeling a lot, but your mom's letter I think is a good thing. Maybe an opportunity for you to begin to have a better relationship with her. Tell her how you felt, and ask her what she's proud of. She'll have an answer for you.

I had a pretty bad relationship with my mom growing up too, frequently felt that she hated me and didn't want me around. But she's made an effort to be more supportive as well, and being able to be honest with her about how I'm doing makes a huge difference.

 

[derpyderpins]

I relate to this too. I've struggled with guilt-reactions like this for a long time and only started really making progress on them the last couple of years.

It's hard to fight that internal script, but you start with some undeniables: mothers are supposed to love and support their child; if yours didn't, that was her failing you; and most people are too self-absorbed to spend any effort thinking of someone else as a "disgusting waste of human life."

It's tough, but you've got to give yourself reasonable standards. And a mother being proud of their child is natural, not something to feel guilt over. But I know just saying that doesn't fix it. Personally, though, I think you exploring these feelings like this makes you worth something. It's very tough when you're in that spiral to face the feelings at all rather than shutting down completely.

 

[trashisland]

I relate to this feeling a lot, but your mom's letter I think is a good thing. Maybe an opportunity for you to begin to have a better relationship with her. Tell her how you felt, and ask her what she's proud of. She'll have an answer for you.

I had a pretty bad relationship with my mom growing up too, frequently felt that she hated me and didn't want me around. But she's made an effort to be more supportive as well, and being able to be honest with her about how I'm doing makes a huge difference.

im glad things went that way for you. I have a hard time opening up to her, because when I do it usually comes out in arguments where she uses it to make fun of me or she just never seems like she cares. but I like to think one day she'll care. maybe her letter is what I need to at least help me think differently about it all