Discussion Why do you want to go? Do you really have no hope for the future?

[floaxed]

I'm curious about everyone's reason why they want to CTB. I know asking that is a sensitive topic but I want to see if I can relate to any of you. Also, do you really, truly, feel like things won't get better even if they're not good right now?

 

[anywhere_else]

Hey. I've recently lost someone very close to me, and that was the catalyst. But prior to that I just feel like I have no purpose or belonging. I've had friends but I don't "fit in". I don't really find joy or pleasure in anything. I abuse myself constantly because I hold no value in the skin I wear or in the bones that hold me. It's hard to put a finger on really just, the world wasn't made for me.

 

[outrider567]

I'm curious about everyone's reason why they want to CTB. I know asking that is a sensitive topic but I want to see if I can relate to any of you. Also, do you really, truly, feel like things won't get better even if they're not good right now?

Girlfriend of 35 years suddenly died 16 months ago, my shock and subsequent depression are absolute....I'm miserable

 

[StolenLife]

I want to go because of trauma and what is probably an early onset schizophrenia. I don't fit in, I am numb and paranoid beyond belief, and I don't feel safe in this world. The only thing still keeping me here is University. But when that's done, so am I. I hate myself and I am disgusted by myself and the state of the world, yet there's no way of changing that. I'm only 23 but look 40 due to trauma, and the only thing forward with aging are health problems.

 

[floaxed]

Hey. I've recently lost someone very close to me, and that was the catalyst. But prior to that I just feel like I have no purpose or belonging. I've had friends but I don't "fit in". I don't really find joy or pleasure in anything. I abuse myself constantly because I hold no value in the skin I wear or in the bones that hold me. It's hard to put a finger on really just, the world wasn't made for me.

I feel the same way. I recently lost someone I held very dear to me. I am the same exact way with not fitting in. I feel like the world wasn't made for me as well. I hope one day you find happiness and I really hope you don't resort to CTB. You're loved

Girlfriend of 35 years suddenly died 16 months ago, my shock and subsequent depression are absolute....I'm miserable

I can't imagine your pain right now. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I lost my mom early on in my life so I know what loss is and it never gets easier. I hope you find happiness one day, you deserve it.

 

[charlotte_]

It was never hopeful for me. I was always alone, empty, and failing everything I laid hands on. I've felt hopeful at times, but at the end of the day, what's left is a single nothingness and recurring thoughts related to self hate and ctb. Also, the future holds too much stress that I'm afraid I can't handle. I have to finish my degree, get a job, a partner, ect and I'm already failing the first stage so I probably won't get anywhere.

 

[Dead Ghost]

I have too many obstacles to get out, it requires a lot of effort on my part, with no help from anyone and I do not see that this effort, no matter how titanic it may be, results in a substantial improvement of my personal situation.

I am 45 years old, with no real capacity to achieve economic subsistence to be totally autonomous, with no possibility of curing my illnesses (since they are chronic), with no possibility of relating in a healthy and enriching way with other people (due to Asperger's, I suppose), with hardly any family network to support me (I only have my 79 year old mother, my older sister and her son -whom I do not know- . . the rest of the family I don't know, they are strangers to me -they are the kind of family you sometimes hear talking at home but have never seen, i.e. distant relatives-).

And here I go on and on until I am completely exhausted.

//

Tinc masses trabes per ensortir-me'n, requereix molt d'esforç per la meva part, sense ajuda de ningú i no veig que aquest esforç per titànic que sigui resulti en una millora substancial de la meva situació personal.

Tinc 45 anys, sense capacitat real d'aconseguir subsistència econòmica per ser totalment autònom, sense posibilitat de guarir les meves malalties (doncs són cróniques), sense possibilitat de relacionar-me de forma saludable i enriquidora amb d'altres persones (degut a l'Asperger, suposo), sense gairebé un teixit familiar en el que recolzar-me (només em queda ma mare amb 79 anys, ma germana gran i el seu fill -que no conec-.. la resta de la família no la conec, són estranys per mi -es d'aquesta família que sents de vegades parlar a casa pero que no has vist mai, és a dir parents llunyans-).

I aquí segueixo i seguiré fins que m'esgoti del tot.

 

[Nights]

I see that there's no reason to live, i'm just a waste of resource, everything i does is sleeping and waking up and eating then watching tv then sleeping, the same routine everyday, i'm just a waste of resource, i bring to this world nothing but troubles, i have food for free, but i see that there's people who deserve food that i eat for free, my parents life would be better without me financially, and about future, there's probably a good future for me, like i won't have to work in order to get money, but i don't care about all of that, i'm just bored from life, it's really boring for me

 

[kinja91]

Constant abuse by my family growfamily. Physical, sexual... one of my earliest memories is of my mother sitting me down and showing me pictures of she-males. (Whats the correct terminology idk.) Being thrown into a pool and laughed at while I was drowning, being given drugs by my mother at the age of around five or six, being punched and kicked and having belt buckles with the pin pushed into the backs of my hands. Finally tried to make something of my life and the army sent me to a warzone while knowing I had a degenerative brain disease but they literally "forgot to tell me." The general calls me into his office while im blind in my right eye lost the use of my legs and my right arm... this dude says "sorry, you fell through the cracks, you cant sue us though" My friends at the time all disappear. Fast forward I have tried everything I can to fit in. I never got a chance to be around other people growing up because when my mom abandoned me at the age of nine and I was taken in by the family whose doorstep she left me at they homeschooled me because I still couldn't read. I missed my whole choldhood and teen years. I try to relate to people but fail constantly. I have four kids and my wife and kids would be better off with a man in their life who isn't broken and unable to live normally. Without me maybe my wife can find someone who can truly be a mentor and guide for my kids.. I've tried and I keep trying. And keep ruining everything for everyone. I was born a curse and uwanted I should die without continuing to curse my family.

 

[prone2fury]

life is hard and not worth the effort a lot of the time. if i'm tired of playing a game i decide to stop. same logic towards life

 

[leftdreaming]

Theoretically things could get "better" for me, but I doubt I'd find happiness even if they did. I haven't been happy with life for as long as I can remember, I don't see that changing.

 

[FuneralCry]

You do know that for so many people suicide isn't a terrible thing, in fact to me the thought of being gone is the only comfort in such a hellish world, suicide actually is a positive thing as it's taking control over our inevitable fate and is preventing all unnecessary suffering, I could never see existence as being a desirable state, I see existence itself as being the true problem, so therefore suicide is self care.

"Hope" and "happiness" are just delusions in this world filled with endless risks and potential for harm where all that is inevitable is even more suffering, decay and loss, it's irrational to wish to exist in this world where we are destined for nothing but to be tortured by old age, existing is completely futile and unappealing to me and I dread to think of what suffering lies ahead, as there really is no such thing as rock bottom in this world which is why to me suicide is the most rational thing to wish for. I see so much beauty in the thought of permanently not existing, no matter what I would always see it as being preferable to not exist as there is nothing more ideal than being completely unaware of everything for all eternity, existence in itself is the true problem that can only be solved by death.

 

[Alltheywanted]

I feel like I'm completely alone on this world. Nobody that tries to love or understand me. Nobody gives a shit about my problems, they just pretend they do and that only irritates me more. Everything could change so easily, but there are just very few people who are actually good.

Another thing is i hate how my face looks. I tried to do everything i could to make my body look good, but face isn't something u can rly change, so i just live with no self acceptance. It's so hard to not be able to look into the mirror or photos of yourself. It either gets better soon or i CTB.

 

[VioletNight]

It's not that I don't think things can get better, because I'm in a much better spot than I've been in for a while. It's just that living is so exhausting, it all feels like a chore. After losing so many people close to me, never being able to have stable relationships due to moving a lot, and losing my virginity to SA it's just all too much.

I'm anxious about nearly everything, and jump at the smallest noise. Random panic attacks over seemingly nothing and the pressure of performance at work to provide of family is just too much. My suicidal ideation started around age 9 and has been going strong for 20 years, but I'm still here so that counts for something.

I don't even know if I particularly want to die but it's always where my thoughts wander to.

 

[eryu]

Medication induced brain damage. Unrelenting agony and debilitation. Ongoing deterioration of body and mind.
I have not had a single day I would call good in the last 6 years. Even 'tolerable' is relative.
A single tolerable day for me is something most people would consider desolate and hellish.
Every movement I make is difficult and I have next to no coping mechanisms.

My experience is usually reduced by listeners to some type of quite bad anxiety (no) which can simply be pushed through if I try hard enough or build myself with suggestion that are typically undoable for me.
This approach was already a slap in the face in the past when my main problem actually was excruciating anxiety that I didn't have energy to push through on a regular basis. Now, it is beyond infuriating.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

They won't get better for me, I have hardly any family so all will happen is I'll lose my mother and then be completely alone in the world. I don't get anything out of life so there's nothing to even get better I just simply don't like any of it.

 

[Document6105]

I've done my due service.
I have chronic pain from the top of my head all the way to my toes from various different causes.
I've had severe depression for over two decades now.
All the things I've been strongly attached to have died already.

Which is to say; I haven't had interest in anything for a long time now.

There's no point in wishing I'd suddenly get enough money to better the life of everyone else or myself.

What comes to romance;
I never had any interest in dating, as I would never, ever, want anyone to suffer from having to think about my wellbeing.
I wouldn't even be able to take care of theirs.

So be it as it is, the best option, the only option, is for me to pass on.
What I want most from life currently is simply to no longer exist in any capacity whatsoever.

Until then I'll wait, entirely isolated from society.

 

[kwho]

I'm curious about everyone's reason why they want to CTB. I know asking that is a sensitive topic but I want to see if I can relate to any of you. Also, do you really, truly, feel like things won't get better even if they're not good right now?

They might. They most likely would. It's not about that though. Or about hope. At least not for everyone here.

May be it's like a candle - it normally burns out when there's no wax left. But sometimes the wick wasn't strong enough to begin with.

 

[OceanBlue]

"Do you really have no hope for the future?"

Hope is a harmful delusion, it needs to be unlearned. As much as I dislike FN, this quote is on point: "Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."

 

[leavingsoon99]

I want to go because I'm tired of working and striving for a life that never existed. I'm tired of living an existence which it feels like life is always telling me "just be glad you're here". As if I asked to come. I look around at a world that's crumbling, no matter where you go. The delusions of youth are giving way to the dystopian fantasies of the elite part of the human race. I'm on the entire planet alone. I'm sick of living in a constant competition for nothing. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of needing money to live. I'm tired of my suffering. I'm tired of seeing suffering. I'm tired of society trying to put me in a certain box so it can tolerate me. I'm tired of feeling left out, only to discover that all I'm being left out on is glorified and sparkling distractions that keep me docile and part of the human herd. I'm tired of being hated for no reason. I'm tired of living in a decaying meat avatar.

No, I have no hope of it ever getting better.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Born the wrong sex. HRT/transitioning is no substitute for being cis female, therefore there is no hope for a worthwhile future.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Are you floxed?

 

[zeldalover]

I'm curious about everyone's reason why they want to CTB. I know asking that is a sensitive topic but I want to see if I can relate to any of you. Also, do you really, truly, feel like things won't get better even if they're not good right now?

Never have gotten better, truly. If anything they've only gotten worse over time. I've just proven myself to be worse and worse and I feel almost an obligation to end things before I make things worse for those I Iove. Every day that I survive is just me ruining things.

 

[spøgelse]

Transsex. I had the chance as a child to get help and fucked it up by refusing to go because I thought I could push through and it would go away on it's own. Now I'm fucked for the rest of my life. Waiting lists are far too long now. I'm going to be dead before I even get a chance to get on HRT. Even then, it wouldn't help. Maybe I'd be OK for a month or two before the realization would kick in that it's not going to fix anything.

 

[woh6]

Living just isn't for me.

 

[Nebel_meer]

Chronic pelvic conditions keep appearing. My life is all about ignorant doctors, surgeries and everyday pain. No one can help me. I see no sense in this. I failed as a woman and as a human being.

 

[floaxed]

You do know that for so many people suicide isn't a terrible thing, in fact to me the thought of being gone is the only comfort in such a hellish world, suicide actually is a positive thing as it's taking control over our inevitable fate and is preventing all unnecessary suffering, I could never see existence as being a desirable state, I see existence itself as being the true problem, so therefore suicide is self care.

"Hope" and "happiness" are just delusions in this world filled with endless risks and potential for harm where all that is inevitable is even more suffering, decay and loss, it's irrational to wish to exist in this world where we are destined for nothing but to be tortured by old age, existing is completely futile and unappealing to me and I dread to think of what suffering lies ahead, as there really is no such thing as rock bottom in this world which is why to me suicide is the most rational thing to wish for. I see so much beauty in the thought of permanently not existing, no matter what I would always see it as being preferable to not exist as there is nothing more ideal than being completely unaware of everything for all eternity, existence in itself is the true problem that can only be solved by death.

I would like to start off with, I am the farthest thing from a pro-lifer & I hope you don't take offense to anything I say. I am not good with my words. I understand you replied with what you feel is right, now I'm going to reply with what I feel is right.

Suicide is not self care. Suicide is a terrible, horrible thing for ANYONE who doesn't have unfixable problems in their life such as chronic illness like cancer or things similar to those situations. Suicide isn't a terrible thing for you. I don't think you have the right to speak on if suicide isn't "terrible" for others. Nobody should suffer a loss, nobody should die from suicide, nobody should lose a loved one to suicide. My brothers and sisters almost lost me to suicide not too long ago and I'm so glad I stayed here on this earth. The mindset "nothing will ever get better, I will just sit in my own sadness and sulk" is the entire reason you will never get better. Hope and happiness are not delusions, they are the farthest from delusions. You thinking hope and happiness being delusions is a delusion itself. Not everyone is sad like us people on these forums. Wanting to live a long life is not irrational in the slightest bit. I don't want to live right now but I have hope things will get better. I WANT to get better. I don't want to die, I WANT to see myself happy.

FuneralCry, I don't know what you've been through and it's not my business but I genuinely hope you get the help you deserve. You seem to be very far gone and I've seen you basically copy and paste the same thing on so many posts. I'm sorry you're going through whatever you're going through and I hope you never get the chance to CTB.

Sent with love

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

Yup

 

[ferret-in-a-sock]

For me it's fear of failure which I admit is a lot less valid than everyone else's. I fear failing at what I want to do, so it's easier to imagine just getting out before I can.

Part of it is it feels like I failed already. Most people escape their abusers. Mine followed me and found me again pretty easy. Or getting a degree as the first in their family, but ultimately feeling like your degree is useless. Like it's the choking sensation of being in the same place you always were, regardless of how much you try.

And so I admit I have a lot of privilege there, like there's nothing "end of the world." It's just...I expect a lot from myself and the pressure to live up to it kills me slowly. I know no one in my life expects anything from me, and that's...I guess most people would find that freeing, but I always find it horrific. Like the lack of expectations comes with no one really is ever there to support me...nor berate me. It's just me at the end of the day. It reminds me when I used to do track and cross country. Those are like endurance sports. You run 5k and then cross the finish line to no one you know, then walk home from the meet to an empty house. You didn't win. But even when you did have medals...they just were set down on the table to no applause or fanfare. You just had them. That was it.

And I wish sometimes I had someone I was trying to do better for or someone I was trying to impress, because then I'd live up to a potential. But right now like many times before, I just feel hollow. Being reminded my abuser found me again and even that struggle to escape starts feeling for nothing. You've made no ground.

 

[BatBase]

It was never hopeful for me. I was always alone, empty, and failing everything I laid hands on. I've felt hopeful at times, but at the end of the day, what's left is a single nothingness and recurring thoughts related to self hate and ctb. Also, the future holds too much stress that I'm afraid I can't handle. I have to finish my degree, get a job, a partner, ect and I'm already failing the first stage so I probably won't get anywhere.

Can relate to this