in my suicidality, i have had to come face to face with what it means to be alive and what it means to be dead. i feel so dumb i cannot grasp these abstract concepts. how can i want to die if i do not know what death is? how can you want something you don't even know? all i know is that life is pointless, meaningless suffering. who says death won't be more of the same? the optimistic part of me says that nothing could ever be worse than this life. i do believe that's true. but no matter what i believe happens after death (i'm leaning towards oblivion at this point) i will never completely know and neither will any of you. i didn't used to think about this stuff, i thought more simply. "i am miserable, i want to escape and i hate this life, so i will just die." i miss that brain and i want it back. i want to gouge this stupid knowledge of existential crisis from my brain. i want to think simply again. i know i want to leave. i don't want to waste time thinking about what death is or how it exists. i don't know why we are here and it's quite distressing. how could we be here by chance? i don't believe in a god, and quite honestly i don't see the difference between "the universe" and god. people who believe in the universe simply believe in a god without the organized religion or the big man in the sky bullshit. but if god and the universe aren't real than how are we here? where the fuck did our consciousness come from? why is it so painful? how can i think right now? on the one hand, it would make sense if something put us here, if it wasn't just abstract chaos and there was somehow a rhyme or reason to these things. i don't see how, if a universe does not exist, we could exist. there is no such thing as the beginning or end of time. but another part of me says that maybe everything truly is random, our consciousness came from a random evolution of matter and evolved into the fucked world we have today. so is our entire lives just the product of complex science? why then, does death matter? and if the universe didn't put us here, where the fuck did we come from? i will never have answers. no matter what anyone tells me, there is never a way to know for sure. when i look back on my life, i am positive i do not want to continue. ignoring existential thoughts, my life has been full of suffering and it will continue to be full of suffering. all i want is to not experience consciousness anymore. to not think, or feel, or see or anything. i wish to return to what i experienced before i was born: pure pure nothingness. unless! there was something before i was born. i will acknowledge it is far fetched, but possible for us to have souls, or for our consciousness to exist in other dimension. maybe everything from before i was born was wiped the second i entered this body. or maybe, in a series of biological processes, i developed a consciousness in my mother's womb that is explained not by mysteries of the universe, but simply by chance, by randomness, by science. i don't have the answers and i never will and it's killing me. it's hard to kill yourself when you can't grasp the basic concepts of life and death. i want to kill this awareness, this desire to understand, and go back to the way my brain was before. i was young and dumb and i didn't have all these fucking questions. all i wanted was death. all i still want is death, and it consumes my every waking minute. to live is too painful, and it means accepting the meaninglessness of it all, and the suffering. i will not do that. but the more i think about it, life and death seem like the same thing. both are ultimately so fucking confusing. i don't know what to do. i want to kill myself, and i hope to soon. but it's more of a "might as well do it" than it was before. i might as well do it because i know there is nothing left for me on this earth, in this body, in this life. and with that knowledge i can make the decision to leave. it's scary to leave when you do not know where you are going. all i can hope is that death is falling asleep and never waking up.
