wanttodie
Enlightened
- Apr 19, 2018
- 1,827
SHThrowAway213
That's the hell I live with
- Apr 19, 2018
- 659
I have had mental health problems since I was 12, I'm 24 now and sick of fighting them.
Life is boring and too hard to deal with, same shit different day.
Everything is pointless
Life is boring and too hard to deal with, same shit different day.
Everything is pointless
Soulless_Angel
existence is futile
- Jul 10, 2019
- 2,225
added to my comment from last night, yet again this morning reminded me my existence is pointless, all I do is cause arguments, hate and anger were ever I go , it never stops, I just don't get along with people at all!
Lookingforabus
Arcanist
- Aug 6, 2019
- 421
Because life is a fate worse than death ... and no one's killed me yet. Like they say, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
epic
Enlightened
- Aug 9, 2019
- 1,812
Not trying to talk you out of it because only you know what you have been through....
But don't you think your debt will eventually be paid off.Also when your children are 18 they can start seeing you again ..Seems like the tunnel has light in its end .Its a long tunnel but there is light.
Again there could be many aditional circumstances I don't know about.But its just something too think about.
You seem to be very articulate to me . Dont be defined by peoples perception of you . I hope things turn around for you.
Dont define yourself by the perception of others bro. Good luck to you
Why ?
I have a physical condition .I want to live but my condition and other contributing factors are making it impossible.. Your second and third line resonate with me ... .Do you think you feel this way because of your mental condition or because of the circumstances in your life ?
Why do you feel this way ?
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Lifetimepunishment
Member
- Feb 18, 2019
- 55
I am afraid of being bedridden with disability and live in pain everyday. Besides these physical reasons,I have a long term history of depression as well
Mine seemed to be all in my head, though the last couple weeks have brought with them an aneurysm, a collapsed lung, a hematoma, Rhabdo, an eviction, a car accident, and three arrests for things I would NEVER normally do, and I had a failed attempt just before all of that so everybody is already on edge
Obviously I can't work while I'm in the hospital so I couldn't get the money together for another apartment or any of the fines
So I guess rapidly deteriorating mental and physical health is my reason. It was already on the table before any of this happened, so it's just more fuel to the fire. Alcohol helps me feel better but makes me act stupid which makes it worse
I've tried everything in life that I've wanted to try so it's all downhill from here. Better to do it while nobody depends on me rather than when i have wife and kids of my own
Obviously I can't work while I'm in the hospital so I couldn't get the money together for another apartment or any of the fines
So I guess rapidly deteriorating mental and physical health is my reason. It was already on the table before any of this happened, so it's just more fuel to the fire. Alcohol helps me feel better but makes me act stupid which makes it worse
I've tried everything in life that I've wanted to try so it's all downhill from here. Better to do it while nobody depends on me rather than when i have wife and kids of my own
Sunset Limited
I believe in Sunset Limited
- Jul 29, 2019
- 1,352
I am 42 years old. There are huge financial problems in my country. More than anywhere. I was a musician. It's hard to make money now. I lack the energy and equipment to do another job. CTB? Why not?
Translated by Holy Google
Translated by Holy Google
I've been struggling with suicidal ideation ever since I was a child. I was born in a unique situation, which alongside my Borderline Personality Disorder, has made it almost impossible to connect and relate with other human beings. I was abandoned by my druggy parents at the age of 2 and adopted by a single mother; my single mother was a barely functioning alcoholic that was passed out on the couch by 4PM everyday. She wasn't all mentally there, there were instances of her accusing me of raping my dog, smashing my window, throwing bottles at me, etc etc etc etc etc etc, all shit that still sticks with me. I essentially raised myself (don't know how to word that without sounding like I'm bragging about it), using the Internet to its full potential to help with the process. This was my life until the age of 16 when my mother passed away from her alcoholism and once again i was an orphan; at that point I was too old to be sent back to foster care so I was declared a legal emancipate and moved in with my Aunt until college.
I still managed to make it into a decent university, but at that point my mental state had gone unchecked for so long and i was so disillusioned with the idea of obtaining happiness and working for a better life that I tried to kill myself with an Exit Bag my first year of college. Not only did I fail, but the attempt ironically ended up ruining my life anyway. All my close friends that I managed to make distanced themselves from me, if not immediately then by the end of the year when they told me they were too uncomfortable with sharing a house with me, leaving me on my own. What little family I had distanced themselves a bit, school officials still to this day keep hounding me about my well-being.
Three years and some failed suicide attempts later:
I finally found a person that I truly connected with. To this day it's the only thing that I would say "cured" my suicidal ideation. Note that she wasn't my first close/significant relationship, but I'm still shocked at how similar we were in terms of sense of humor, personal tastes, hobbies, none of which I could ever say about another person before , especially to that degree. I won't dwell on the relationship too much, but to surmise it lasted as long and got serious enough to the point where we started living together and started (naively) planning a marriage. We were crazy for one naother
And then I ruined it. We had our first major argument at her place a year and a half into the relationship, it got heated and we couldn't deescalate the tensity (again, first major argument), and she broke up with me kind of on the spot. To this day, I know that if I had just replied "Okay" we'd still be together, and she was just had a bad spat.
But my dumbass couldn't do that. Instead, a blinding sense of rage took over being abandoned again (I fucking hate BPD. constant fear of abandonment while doing everything to cause others to abandon you), and I stormed out of the apartment after slamming and breaking the door (weird flex, i'm buff). To this day the rage that leaked out that day scares the shit out of me, especially given that I directed it to the one person in life I considered an actual blessing. That lack of self-control destroys me. She not only left me almost immediately after that, she refused to talk to me, so a lingering sense of closure being unfulfilled wakes up with me everyday.
I don't like talking about the last part too often when discussing suicide as it inevitably gets a response of "You'll find someone else". Which isn't the point. I don't need to find someone else. I found someone and acted shitty enough to eventually scare them away.
We shared the same friends group, so I lost my friends again. For the second time in college. They don't even look at me when I pass them by anymore. Now I'm less than a year from graduating with a degree in a field I have no passion for. I constantly read those Reddit posts "What's stopping you from committing suicide" and the answer is invariably one of two things
"How it would affect close ones"
I don't have that. It's all gone, and I'm self-aware enough to realize my major issues aren't going to be fixed anytime soon. All the wasted time and energy has been for naught. If I killed myself, maybe three people would be sad. And honestly, consider it selfish, but there potential pain is not enoughto outweigh this pain.
"The future can be better"
Which is what I was told a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, four years ago, five years ago,...
It's an easy quick lie to satiate someone on the verge of suicide that doesn't really want to do it, it's useless for a person that has decided suicide is the better future.
This Winter, since I live on the tenth floor of a high-rise with balconies, I'm going to drink and take sleeping pills and lie on the edge of the balcony. Hoping to passout and roll off. I also own a bottle of Nembutal, but I would need 2 plus the anti-emetics to consider that method. I'm also considering the exit bag again.
I don't feel connected to this Earth anymore. I don't see the value in persevering through pain anymore. I've tried the medications, the therapist, to rebuild, to see things from other perspectives.
Life is draining and not worth it.
I still managed to make it into a decent university, but at that point my mental state had gone unchecked for so long and i was so disillusioned with the idea of obtaining happiness and working for a better life that I tried to kill myself with an Exit Bag my first year of college. Not only did I fail, but the attempt ironically ended up ruining my life anyway. All my close friends that I managed to make distanced themselves from me, if not immediately then by the end of the year when they told me they were too uncomfortable with sharing a house with me, leaving me on my own. What little family I had distanced themselves a bit, school officials still to this day keep hounding me about my well-being.
Three years and some failed suicide attempts later:
I finally found a person that I truly connected with. To this day it's the only thing that I would say "cured" my suicidal ideation. Note that she wasn't my first close/significant relationship, but I'm still shocked at how similar we were in terms of sense of humor, personal tastes, hobbies, none of which I could ever say about another person before , especially to that degree. I won't dwell on the relationship too much, but to surmise it lasted as long and got serious enough to the point where we started living together and started (naively) planning a marriage. We were crazy for one naother
And then I ruined it. We had our first major argument at her place a year and a half into the relationship, it got heated and we couldn't deescalate the tensity (again, first major argument), and she broke up with me kind of on the spot. To this day, I know that if I had just replied "Okay" we'd still be together, and she was just had a bad spat.
But my dumbass couldn't do that. Instead, a blinding sense of rage took over being abandoned again (I fucking hate BPD. constant fear of abandonment while doing everything to cause others to abandon you), and I stormed out of the apartment after slamming and breaking the door (weird flex, i'm buff). To this day the rage that leaked out that day scares the shit out of me, especially given that I directed it to the one person in life I considered an actual blessing. That lack of self-control destroys me. She not only left me almost immediately after that, she refused to talk to me, so a lingering sense of closure being unfulfilled wakes up with me everyday.
I don't like talking about the last part too often when discussing suicide as it inevitably gets a response of "You'll find someone else". Which isn't the point. I don't need to find someone else. I found someone and acted shitty enough to eventually scare them away.
We shared the same friends group, so I lost my friends again. For the second time in college. They don't even look at me when I pass them by anymore. Now I'm less than a year from graduating with a degree in a field I have no passion for. I constantly read those Reddit posts "What's stopping you from committing suicide" and the answer is invariably one of two things
"How it would affect close ones"
I don't have that. It's all gone, and I'm self-aware enough to realize my major issues aren't going to be fixed anytime soon. All the wasted time and energy has been for naught. If I killed myself, maybe three people would be sad. And honestly, consider it selfish, but there potential pain is not enoughto outweigh this pain.
"The future can be better"
Which is what I was told a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, four years ago, five years ago,...
It's an easy quick lie to satiate someone on the verge of suicide that doesn't really want to do it, it's useless for a person that has decided suicide is the better future.
This Winter, since I live on the tenth floor of a high-rise with balconies, I'm going to drink and take sleeping pills and lie on the edge of the balcony. Hoping to passout and roll off. I also own a bottle of Nembutal, but I would need 2 plus the anti-emetics to consider that method. I'm also considering the exit bag again.
I don't feel connected to this Earth anymore. I don't see the value in persevering through pain anymore. I've tried the medications, the therapist, to rebuild, to see things from other perspectives.
Life is draining and not worth it.
Centerism
Love is my final option
- Aug 25, 2019
- 233
I feel as if I cannot hold on to reality anymore. Simply because reality has become so painful that I can't bear it anymore. I was so hurt in my past... I was outed as gay while I was a teenager and had a video of me doing drugs and having very taboo sex leaked onto social media and a couple of porn sites. My mom actually saw the video... I was shunned by my parents and my friends slowly stored talking to me. I had people constantly harassing me, taunting me and on a couple of occasions I was jumped and nearly died... I was so hurt in my past and even though the attention died off the hatred and disappointment people felt for me has yet to dissipate. And recently my boyfriend of nine years passed away tragically. So the hurt, loss and pain I feel had been intensified. I just feel like I no longer belong in this reality... I Wish there was something else I could cling to but alas, this world is no longer for me.
epic
Enlightened
- Aug 9, 2019
- 1,812
I could be totally wrong because i donot know additional circumstances of your life if any.But don't you think having less luxurious life is better than having no life at all ?
Im not sure anyone can relate to my situation. My circumstances are very good. i have good parents. They paid to send me to med school but Im struggling. My mental illness, OCD, depression, anxiety has been completely dominating my life and turning it into a nightmare since I was 12. Now, Im 25 and the depression is worse than ever. It doesnt look like its going to get much better and I wanna ctb even though its very selfish.
Sunset Limited
I believe in Sunset Limited
- Jul 29, 2019
- 1,352
If you live in a country like mine, the problem isn't just money. The music was my stronghold. I didn't have much money, but I was free. I think time is the most valuable thing a person can have. It was a job I worked for 9 hours a day. Every day was a copy of another. In a Stephen King movie I heard that "hell is again" That's exactly what I felt. For me, it's like a prison. If I was 20, I would go on. I'm 42, and my past comes after me like a heavy tail. I'm old for a new war.
Translated by Holy Google
epic
Enlightened
- Aug 9, 2019
- 1,812
Those assholes should suffer for eternity.
Not trying to talk you out of it but if you mentally give 0 fucks all the time to what people have to say about you(Easier said than done,still ).Wont you be set free?
Sunset Limited
I believe in Sunset Limited
- Jul 29, 2019
- 1,352
Few people know how serious depression is. Often a broken arm is more important. I hope you'il be happy.
Centerism
Love is my final option
- Aug 25, 2019
- 233
I guess your right. I've tried so hard to forgive people and I have on some occasions. Though its hard for people to forgive me. I guess that's the reason why I feel so disconnected. I have nobody that honestly and purely loves me.
I'm a very loving person and I tend to give away more positive emotion than I should, but I feel as if though I feel I need love than others might too. So I go to grave lengths to let people know if nobody else does, I love them :)
Lookingforabus
Arcanist
- Aug 6, 2019
- 421
I think more people can relate than you think. There's a reason that major depression is the 2nd highest risk factor for suicide, behind a previous suicide attempt. Why do you think rich, successful celebrities commit suicide? (Because the money and success doesn't make them happy or end their pain.)
All the money and love in the world doesn't help if it doesn't help the depression. I'd see if drugs and psychotherapy can help you.
Nanimoaru
I wanna fade away like I never was
- Sep 15, 2018
- 153
Broken heart and life passing me by
May seem irrelevant to some but it was the kick in the rear i need to get this done.
I just cant do this shit anymore.
May seem irrelevant to some but it was the kick in the rear i need to get this done.
I just cant do this shit anymore.
Dawn0071111
Hungry Ghost
- Dec 9, 2018
- 570
Nanimoaru
I wanna fade away like I never was
- Sep 15, 2018
- 153
Wayfaerer
JFMSUF
- Aug 21, 2019
- 1,938
Because of a shit past, an even shittier present and I'm already past the point of no return.
Im completely done with being a selfish cokehead, lier, dumb, loser, lazy and mediocre.
I lost everything good that life gave me and broke the heart of the only person that loved me.
thats enough for me.
I lost everything good that life gave me and broke the heart of the only person that loved me.
thats enough for me.
And far more don't!
Religions mostly consider homosexual activity to be a sin but that's not my issue because I'm not religious. My scientific mind does consider it to be a defect because sex was designed to procreate species, not for members of the same gender to do it. Most importantly, male homosexuality comes with gay men who are the worst population segment of the human race. You have to be gay to understand how shallow, unkind and and sometimes vile so many of them are. To me I cannot combine being gay with being happy so I intend to CTB when my life is in order.
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Lookingforabus
Arcanist
- Aug 6, 2019
- 421
Well, we weren't designed, which is the whole problem. Not like kissing or oral sex or sex with a condom on are going to result in procreation, either. Almost nothing about dating in the modern world has a thing to do with making babies (courtship rituals, standards of beauty, monogamy, whatever), and much of it is to deliberately avoid procreation, even for heterosexual couples.
Being shallow, unkind and vile is hardly restricted to one gender or orientation. That's just humanity for you. Not trying to talk you out of anything, but I feel the same way about straight women, especially in the #metoo era (have one bad date with a woman and she can turn your life in a radioactive crater for no reason), and also the same way about straight men, many of whom just want to use and abuse as many hot women as they can. I find it surprising that anyone bothers to try dating these days. The whole thing's a damn minefield, no matter who you are.
Astral316
Specialist
- Aug 26, 2019
- 332
No family, no social life, no job, no car, no reason to live out the rest of my life.
woxihuanni
Illuminated
- Aug 19, 2019
- 3,298
I have a gay friend who is very disappointed with the gay community in his area, and heartbroken by his relationship. But do you really think it matters sex is for breeding? A lot of straight couples are child-free for many reasons. I wish you peace and that you be gentle with yourself.
I was abused as a child which has caused permanent damage to the way I emotionally respond to things. I'm on 5 pills a night to control depression and anxiety and I still feel like I don't want to be here. My mum was an alcoholic and very horrible to me. In recent years we made up and she was very truly sorry, but the damage to her heart was done and ste got diagnosed with terminal heart disease. I'm one of 5 of her kids but I was pretty much the only one looking after her , watched her weight plummet to 4 1/2 stone then die of a heart attack in front of me . I'm left to do her estate, its not very big but its hervotyrr kids they are damaged too and making my life miserable over money because they haven't got it quick enough. I don't feel appreciated by anyone, and lost my will to live in pain.
sadgirl2002
Fallen Angel
- Apr 9, 2019
- 452
An incident that happened in the last four months of 2017 which messed with my head. It brought everything that happened in my life into the surface. The abuse, bullying, everybody hating me, the list is endless. Even though I pretend that I'm okay and I'm starting to believe my own lies, deep down; I'm just waiting for the one thing to happen so I can finally end it without a second thought. This is all so fucking exhausting.
