Discussion Why do you want to CTB

[SkibidiSigma]

I'm new to this forum and genuinely curious about some of your stories

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

stupid mistakes I made and having to face its consequences daily and refusing to live in that way.
basically, my life did not turn out as I once imagined and dreamed about... I refuse to live in another way.
the disappointment has taken me over in the form of depression and I am just a shell of the person who I once was.
I cannot go back to the past and I don't want to go to the future
So I keep living in denial in the present, until I find the courage to end it.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

Because I cannot live in this body. It's the freakshow version and not how it's meant to be. And my health is declining fast.

 

[tbroken]

Due to father and family issues, I was really depressed during youth, but managed to survive. I was also surrounded by really bad friends and behaviours, but I(EXTREMELY WRONGLY) accepted them, because i was injured and depressed and got nothing special to do in that moment. Then i Developed major depression and I got literally stomped and bullied(mentally and phisically) by everyone and everything and lost all faith and important milestones for my personal growth... I tried to rebuild my life in the last 10 years, but I found out that I lost myself(i do 't even know if I ever were anybody) and that I was just some random anxious scum running for low level survival...
I was a really good guy in the beginning, almost good in everything, but depression, bad friends and circumstances and stuff destroyed me...
Now i am nothing, i have nothing, I'm way older, I have deep wounds and I don't have any energy left...
My letter to my parents and ppl i know will be full of disrespect and bad feelings, because they were, are and will be the main cause of my suicide. There is something in me telling me that, they were just stupid and they did not know i was depressed, maybe they would have act different and my life would have been better... But who knows.. I just remember the cruel things some of them did me, i don't have any joyful memory...

I really fought for my life guys and I was just repeating myself, "it is just a bad period", "it is just an unlucky even"... Well, it wasn't... It is an unlucky and shitty life that I want to end asap..

 

[Shimidori]

Depression with the current state of my life, unhappiness and detachment between my body and my mind, raw gender dysphoria, and just a non-helpful family surrounding me. They all just mesh together to simply make me want to end it all, and finally be done with all of the sources of pain.

I have dabbled with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager, but it was only during the last year or so where it became an actual serious weight on my mind. It also made me kind of realize that I don't really fear "death" as a concept, so I guess there's that too.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

Extreme boredom because I know I'm living a pointless existence.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm a 30 year old kissless dateless virgin incel whose latest failure to initiate a relationship with someone I'm attracted to has only served as a reminder of how undeserving of love I am.

I also hate myself so much for that kind of thing that I constantly sabotage myself. If I don't die I fear there will eventually be a point where I cause serious damage to either myself or worse, other people.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Life is just not worth living for me. Reality is extremely disappointing. Ever since we were born, we spend our entire childhood getting trained to be a wage slave though, admittedly, if you're intelligent enough to breeze through school easily, childhood can potentially be utopia provided that you don't get fucked by something else.. which I unfortunately did. After childhood though, it goes extremely downhill for the majority of humans have to wage slave for decades. Not just that, humans now have to put in additional work to adequately say to an employer "hey, I'm a better wage slave than all of the other wage slaves out there, please hire me" because overpopulation has caused such a massive increase in competition. After all that work, what is the reward for the average person? Why of course it's just further suffering caused by the massive deterioration of the human body and mind.

Additionally, I also have a low desire to do anything and I always have had a low desire to do anything. I never wanted to do anything and I still don't. Now that on its own is okay. What isn't okay is that I'm forced to work despite having no desire to.

Also, another reason why I want to die is that death itself is significantly better than life. Lots of people, even some suicidal people, fear death but I love it. Death is merely just permanent non existence... an eternal dreamless sleep where there is no me at all. It's impossible for one to suffer after death because they have no consciousness to begin with. I have always valued the idea of being in inertia which is something that death gives me. I have also always valued the idea of suffering minimisation which, once again, is what death gives

All in all, life itself just isn't worth living. Reality is far too limited. I think that life would be better if @Darkover's fictional existence were to be reality. He understands the limitations of existence. A world with infinite computing power can lead to a lot of things being achieved to minimise suffering

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd personally never be able to understand why anyone would want existence honestly. Wanting suicide is all that feels rational to me and is all that makes sense, having the ability to exist is beyond undesirable in every way possible.

I'd always prefer to not exist no matter what, I see nothing appealing about suffering for more decades in this futile, hopeless existence just to be tormented by old age and die anyway, existence itself really is nothing more than an unnecessary harm to me that I see as best avoided. It's an abomination to exist as a conscious being who is capable of feeling such immense agony, I see no value in being burdened with this existence when the peace of eternal nothingness solves everything, all that I wish for is an dreamless, permanent sleep, the existence of life was the most terrible tragedy to me.

 

[imahauntu]

I don't want to. I must. There's no scenario where i can live. Health issue so horrifying it's hard to believe. I knew it was a possibility but i didn't believe it would be so fast. I thought i could live my miserable existence until old. It became a serious possibility. Found this website, still theoric plans on CTB only. Despair starts settling in. But it was related to my health, my issues.
Some days ago, as my mother looked me in the eye, not being able to remember what i had told her 3x In the last 15 minutes, she started crying. I already knew deep down she had alzheimer/dementia but it became a fact. A google search confirmed all of mild alzheimer symptoms. Confirmed the denial/lack of insight to having a problrm as symptoms too. That was that. A day later i'm taking action, no longer theory. I'm so sorry. I fought until the end.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

My health is going to shit. Mild cognitive impairment, chronic fatigue, GI issues. If I last another ten years I'll be amazed.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

A big failure in life has made and still makes me suicidal.

 

[ADBoy777]

For me life is a whole joke…a sad one
It's meaningless for me. You work hard you suffer in order to what? Have kids who will suffer same things again? It's an absurd for me and I really don't wanna take part of this cycle

 

[unabletocope]

I am a cripple, my life is over, i want to die.

 

[Vicolo cieco]

I want to CTB because I'm a failure in every aspect of life: NEET/hikikomori, uneducated, never kissed or had a relationship at 29 years old, avoidant personality disorder, complete erectile dysfunction...

 

[BrokeN__lil’__girl]

I'm ugly old poor pathetic and disgusting. I never had a real boyfriend and never will. I hate myself and can't be here anymore.

 

[Andrew10]

stupid mistakes I made and having to face its consequences daily and refusing to live in that way.
basically, my life did not turn out as I once imagined and dreamed about... I refuse to live in another way.
the disappointment has taken me over in the form of depression and I am just a shell of the person who I once was.
I cannot go back to the past and I don't want to go to the future
So I keep living in denial in the present, until I find the courage to end it.

Your reply applies perfectly to me too, it's as if I wrote this

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

Your reply applies perfectly to me too, it's as if I wrote this

i'm sorry to hear
it's so difficult to live like this

 

[Andrew10]

i'm sorry to hear
it's so difficult to live like this

I understand you perfectly, I guess the feeling is mutual

 

[prisonerofexistence]

My life philosophy is to be the best,i hate being an average wage slave and i'd rather die than being a mediocre wageslave.I was in med school but i dropout bc of that.Im also a 21yr old kissless,sexless virgin but i never understood or desires relationships anyway,the concept of approachin and begging a woman to be with you is very emasculating to me. I didn't choose to be born,i didn't choose none of this BS.

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

I've wasted the huge privilege and opportunities that were given to me and have accomplished nothing in nearly 30 years of life. I barely graduated high school, failed community college multiple times, work a part time job that requires no skills, I am fat, ugly, and don't have anything I really want to do. I did have an 8 year relationship that I had put everything into, but that ended. Putting everything into that relationship is a large part of why I didn't work on myself to be able to be "successful" (whatever that means). But my partner left me after saying that she felt like I had no future, said she had been interested in someone really hot, and she felt traumatized by the fights that we've had and she considered me at least somewhat abusive. She apparently had been wanting to break up for several months but decided to wait until after I took her on vacations and spent a lot of money on her. And then she started dating the other person the same day she broke up with me (in fact, I believe she was on a date with him while she told me) and despite telling me that she didn't hate me and cared for me still, she proceeded to block me, prevent me from accessing the shared photo album of our pets, and call me a financial, emotional, and physical abuser that she feared would kill her. And then she listed basically everything I got her/we shared for sale on the internet. Also she owes me $2000 from when I bailed her out of credit card debt and seems to be claiming that she doesn't even though I have a signed contract.

But she confirmed basically every insecurity and fear that I had. That she didn't find me attractive, that she didn't actually love me, that she thought I was a bad person, that she thought I was failure. And that she was probably cheating on me (in retrospect she was spending a lot of time on her phone talking to her "friends" whenever we were together and she had been much less open around me). Also she lied about being comfortable with some of the sexual things we were doing and only proceeded to tell me when we had our last in person conversation. Although we hadn't had much sex in the past year, allegedly because she had lost a lot of interest in sex (she said she was trending ace) but I think it's because she was unsatisfied with my body and my skill (which I was very insecure about). This is backed up by her Amazon wishlist which I still see having recently added numerous sex-related items now that she has a new boyfriend who, again, she said is hotter than me. Oh, and she also revealed that every single one of her friends hated me and thought I was extremely abusive.

Of course, much of this was my own fault. I did trample over her feelings, I had done some pretty shitty stuff early in our relationship, and I was struggling to make headway and "succeed". I did say cruel things to her, I was bad at taking criticism, and I was manipulative (both unconsciously and consciously). But at the same time, she had been out of therapy for 4 years, has numerous mental illnesses (BPD, ADHD, Narcassism, Depression, Anxiety, etc), suffers from CPTSD and CSA stuff, and what would colloquially be called "daddy issues". As a result, she was still upset over fights we had 7 years ago, and found herself unable to forget almost any fight we'd ever had. Which, while not many of them were serious, there had been a lot of little fights. But she had not had any treatment for any of her problems, she has a very unsupportive family (seriously, I've seen her parents--mother and step father--get annoyed at her for talking about CTB because it was "wasting their time") and is estranged from her really awful bio-dad, and her only support for a long time was me. That was, until she started talking to her (mostly online) friends about her problems which frequently involved issues she was having with me. As a result they were given an extremely negative impression of me which led to them telling her to leave me.

I don't wish to excuse myself, because I was really awful to her in a lot of ways. But we both struggled with communication, and there were lots of ways she was awful to me. However, I have a very high tolerance for that, and I value her much more than I do myself. On the other hand, her narcassism and other issues makes her have limited empathy, and other people being upset is really hard for her; not because she feels really bad, but because it brings down the mood and is inconvenient (this is something I only recently figured out). Nonetheless, I blame myself. Because I didn't work very hard on improving communication, I was really mean to her. What started out as banter, apparently had really been upsetting her and she never told me because she was too scared to confront me over anything.

So despite the immensive privilage I have from being born wealthy, white, and male in a wealthy suburb, having extremely supportive parents and a vast mental health support system, I have accomplished nothing in my life except what was a successful 8 year relationship. Over time, I had really lost most of my sense of self as the stories of myself and conception of who I was was shattered by failures of all sorts, and she was core to keeping me together. In fact, things were looking really good at the start of the year. I had recently completed an easting disorder recover program which had gone really well, and I was working on going back to school because she is starting a business and I was going to be running that with her. I was really really excited about it, and I felt more confident than I had in years. But then she, rather suddenly in my view (but thats what all shitty boyfriends say) said she wasn't sure if our relationship was going well, we talked, then she broke up with me 3 days after first voicing her concerns and started dating an other person who seems will be helping out with her business.

And of course, I've had the pleasure of seeing them look happier together than I remember her looking with me because she didn't block me everywhere. And because I'm unstable, I've been checking her various social media (stalker behavior) and it kills me to see how much better she seems to be. Because I want her to be successful, but I want her to be successful with me. I am very jealous.

As a result, all the negative things about the world that I was ignoring because I was in love have become much more obvious to me, and my wasted life has become much more apparent. Also, she is apparently scared of me, and, as I still love her and want her to be happy, I can't help but think she might be me relieved if I died. But since I have no education, no skills, no accomplishments, I'm fat, ugly, extremely lazy, and feel very grim about living through the upcoming years and decades, I feel that CTB is the best option for me. I don't want to deal with the pain obviously, and while that is something that can be mitigated with therapy and medication and time, those things won't give me a sense of self or purpose, and with my newfound horrific trust issues and general fear (I've been struggling to leave my room because I'm afraid of "something"), my lack of interest in anything, my lack of skills, my low self esteem, my extreme self hatred, and my desire to not deal with the way the world is going, I don't see any reason to not CTB. Even if my pain is alleviated (which I have no doubt will take years given how much of my identity was tied up in her, plus some other insane stuff I don't want to get into) that still leaves me suffering in a shitty world.

Oops, I wrote way too much. Sorry.

 

[dinosavr]

Long story short, my disordered avoidant personality has always made me avoid social interaction, fun experiences, relationships, etc, and now that I'm single, jobless and very depressed at the age when I'm supposed to be the happiest, it's not enough, it wants to avoid more and more to the point where I finally learn to avoid the very breathing.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Because this planet is infested with leeches, maggots, degenerates and narcissists.

 

[theboy]

Incurable disease
Trauma
No sense of life

 

[divinemistress36]

Brain injury, depression, ptsd

 

[ecliptic]

Because I feel like if I don't things will get worse. I never wanted to CTB until I started taking meds.

 

[lostmeaning]

Incurable chronic pain, emotionally abusive and toxic/dysfunctional family I have to move back with due to not being able to work now. But they all really don't want me there and I have to sign a contract to move out in 2 years. So Idk, I don't think I can handle living there again in general with people that hate me, their own family, and if I don't have disability in 2 years I'm homeless since my other parent won't let me live with them. And why would I want to be really poor on disability not able to go to college like I've always wanted or ever have any dreams. Also lots of terrible stuff before that, but yeah that's obviously my biggest issue now. Being born with a bad family is one of the worst things imo, idk what its like to have normal loving parents and nobody can tell that its not normal from the outside. Yet I can't go no contact or I'll be homeless, or I've tried before going no contact and it just drove me to feeling extremely suicidal having no family too. And I don't think they believe me that I am in constant pain, so have this thing ruining my life no doctor can fix and nobody believes it.

 

[ikigaimg]

- I'm too depressed to do anything, including work
- I have debts and no money.
- I have zero friends.
- Sexual trauma.
- I have social anxiety.
- I wasted 4 years lying in my bed.

 

[bunnyhugs]

My life is actually going ok. Good support, good friends, exercising, writing. Generally proud of myself. And yeah, I've had a very sad recent breakup, which rips me up daily.

But I've felt some needs to die for a while. For a long time, I figured my desire to CTB was due to terrible life circumstances I went through, or feelings of inadequacy, or not getting the right treatment.

And yet. I've been on so many drugs. I've done inpatient/outpatient, I've worked hard to create a life that I'm proud of. And, I must acknowledge, to do so I've benefited from enormous privilege and access to resources.

Nonetheless, the constant feelings of ending my life haven't gone away. I just don't have the desire to live, no matter how good things are.

It's time to CTB. I'm just figuring out how to do it painlessly, which is remarkably hard.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Older kissless virgin with no friends nearby who can't get a girlfriend and is in constant pain