Discussion Why do you want to ctb?

[FieCher]

I have the feeling that I am the only one with this reason, but I can't imagine life with the loss of my friends / parents. I don't want to experience that or anything else difficult to deal with. I am blessed with the life I had/have - or maybe I see it positive? - and I can only imagine it getting worse.

 

[LilaMond]

betrayed by the one I love the most. And besides that, just in general the feeling of not belonging anywhere in this world. Not being truly loved, understood oder taken serious by anyone ever in my life. Also I feel to weak, I just don't have the energy anymore to gather up hope for "better days to come" or for "the right people / circumstances to meet". I'm just empty and hope is painful…I am angry at the people who don't take me serious. I am angry at myself for being so needy of love and attention and for being too weak to face life as it is, for wanting to ctb.

In a nut shell....Financial struggles and stress, possible homelessness, having a life of knowing nothing but constant losses and failure. Missing a life that most people simply take for granted, that I was robbed of and never got to enjoy and experience... the husband, marriage, family, home, children. No one ever having wanted me. Constant abuse, put downs and threats from a narcissistic father and golden child sister, who like to remind me that Im a useless failure. Always trying my hardest but never being good enough and my efforts always resulting in more loss, rejection and insurmountable obstacles that seem to come at me out of nowhere. Being constantly reminded by society that I am a complete and utter failure as a woman and human being, but always being expected to put on a smile and be happy for others good fortunes...or otherwise being told I deserve all the bad luck I get, or it's because I'm cursed, I'm lazy, don't try hard enough etc etc. I'm so tierd, exhausted and want out of here!

Especially as a woman, I can relate so much…. :(

 

[Jinxyxx]

Most simply put, PTSD fucked me up beyond repair

 

[scattymessyhuman]

I know there are various reasons in why somebody would want to kill themselves. So, out of curiosity, what's your reason to want to CTB?

Depression.

 

[movinout17]

But it isn't like that as I genuinely believe that I deserve my peace.

I'm glad you see it this way, it seems to be healthier. I think that you deserve your peace too.
I think that I deserve peace, everyone deserves peace, but I can't help but feel so guilty about it.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

Main reason is to avoid future homelessness and poverty, as I get older without support. If not for these issues I would not mind living to be like in my 60's or 70's.

 

[F@#$]

No specific reason, life just sucks and I've wanted to die for as long as I can remember.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

To join… my recovery buddy. I regret not dying with him.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

I'm traumatized. Extremely emotionally stunted. Mentally immature. Frozen in time. Unable to move on and start over. I can only hurt those I love. The best thing I can do for those I care about is stay away from them. I am human garbage. I am worthless

 

[BarnabasCollins]

Childhood rape, neglect, and abuse. Lifelong treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Wife kicked me out when I got depressed and is using my mental health and past traumas against me to try and keep me from my 15-month old son. Even if I win in court, she and her religious fundamentalist family will raise him to hate me. They think depression and mental illness aren't real and a sign you aren't praying hard enough, so they think I'm a demonic influence. Generally, a total lack of people in my life who understand.

 

[shotgun]

poverty and the way the world is just going downhill

 

[RobinWhoLostItAll]

ive messed up my life so much as of now, its almost comedic,
im very mentally ill, my family is almost done with my shit, and my mom has expressed her desire to throw me out because of it, they dont take my autism seriously and never supported me with it or my depression, im just a parasite to them and all my friends who ive fucked over over the years
i simply cant exist, i dont fit here, i was born in situations i cannot escape and was never made to navigate, ill die soon, whether because i ctb or because reality finally cathces up with me,
my world is so tiny, and the small amount there is is painful, and rapidly shrinking all around me, i will die

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm glad you see it this way, it seems to be healthier. I think that you deserve your peace too.
I think that I deserve peace, everyone deserves peace, but I can't help but feel so guilty about it.

Thank you. Also, I don't blame you for feeling guilty about it. Self loathing can be hard and complicated to deal with. But, despite that, I truly do hope you find peace regardless of what happens.

poverty and the way the world is just going downhill

I relate. This is really scary and I don't understand how so many people are okay with this. The cost of living and inflation is rising by a lot and people should be complaining but they.. aren't. They just keep on repeating the same mantra that "life is a gift" despite life clearing messing everybody over except the ultra rich

What's yours?

I didn't expect anybody to ask about mine but mine is a combination of what some people here said already. For example, I quoted someone above regarding poverty and the world being downhill which is one of my reasons. Another of my reasons is that I lived my entire life being completely inadequate and facing consequences due to that.. some of said consequences are getting bullied for most of my life, never being able to get a friend, feeling unloved by those who would have loved me otherwise and also suffering from massive anxiety attacks being around people to where I get a harsh physical pain in my chest every time I try to interact with others. And yet another reason is anhedonia and depression from everything above.

And, of course, I stated this already as my first reason but the fact that the world is shitty and I'm forced to participate in being a cog in the system despite not even consenting to be here needs more emphasis