Discussion Why do you want to ctb?

[WaffleWoman]

This is just me being curious i guess and way to for me share why i wish to ctb. I have never felt any joy of fulfillment in life i have tired going out making friends following goals but nothing makes me happy or makes me feel like life is for me, that on top of some past trauma.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Soul-crushing, persistent, untreatable depression.
Abused as a child.
Broken heart.
Broken soul.
Existential crisis.

 

[kunikuzushi]

because being lonely is the worst pain but interacting with people is equally painful due to personality disorders and attachment problems

 

[lawlietsph]

My number one reason is money. I can't work and there's no such thing as home office in my country, only for really smart and educated people.
My pets are my only reason to live but I can't afford basic things to them because of my financial situation.
I hate my body and the fact that it is a female one. This body is always in some kind of physical pain.
Money. I don't have money... That stupid fucking money.

I'm pretty sure I have autism but my parents never cared enough to give me the proper care I needed.

People. They are disgusting. Just look how many child abusers, animal abusers are out there. It truly disgusts me.

I can't get over the fact that life is so unfair. All I see is 19-25 year old "self made millionaires" on tiktok, all I see is that everyone can make it but not me. I started a small business and put my heart and soul into that but failed miserably. I am in $400 debt because of it and that's a lot of money where I live.

I feel disconnected. I look around and nothing feels real. The sunlight bothers me so much it actually makes me sick to my stomach just to look out the window and see summer, happy people and such bright lights.

I can't get out of my toxic family. They are narcissistic and borderline with a lot of suicide attempts that I had to witness as a child. Kind of funny that all I want now is to end my life too. My parents never loved me. Sometimes my mom would beat the shit out of me and my sister because we didn't understand math and couldn't do homework. My dad is a perfect example of narcissism, he never cared about anyone but himself. He used me and I thought it was love. But it wasn't.

I don't want much. I don't need money to buy fancy cars and clothes.
I want to live in a small farm with my animals in peace. All alone. But it seems impossible.
I am really tired and sick for holding onto this life.

 

[peace0]

I hate my life and always hated it, I always questioned why I am in this world in the first place, why do I have to deal with all this when coming to life was never my decision, my parents decided to bring me in this world but also made it hell for me at times, trauma which has been built over cant be broken now, nobody taught me the "right way", I am all alone, there is nothing worthy left to live, no matter how much I try, really sometime i try so hard to just find something to rely on I either end failing, cheated, afraid, miserable always, nothing is pleasurable, I can feel the fogginess between me and the rest of the world, it's just not fair, what is it that I cant see what is it, I even wanted to change couple of years ago, but now it's just too much to bear alone

 

[sleep4eternity]

I have over $100k in debt and I'm struggling to get by. I've been through so much in the past and now too both physically and mentally. I also have chronic pain as well. Other than that, I find myself no longer having joy being alive, but too afraid to unalive myself... Painless death is drowning (I heard), but I'm also scared to commit. I'm currently undecisive and don't know what to do. Been clean from SH for a year now, but it's getting harder from day-to-day to fight the urge to relapse. If anyone have any painless method, please let me know... I just want to go at this point.

 

[Stoldy]

My daily thought process is dominated by memories of trauma. Plus, work is necessary to live, but I'm unhirable. Existence is annoying at best, unbearable at worst. CTB just seems like the best course of action. One less talentless deadbeat in the world.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

My number one reason is money. I can't work and there's no such thing as home office in my country, only for really smart and educated people.
My pets are my only reason to live but I can't afford basic things to them because of my financial situation.
I hate my body and the fact that it is a female one. This body is always in some kind of physical pain.
Money. I don't have money... That stupid fucking money.

I'm pretty sure I have autism but my parents never cared enough to give me the proper care I needed.

People. They are disgusting. Just look how many child abusers, animal abusers are out there. It truly disgusts me.

I can't get over the fact that life is so unfair. All I see is 19-25 year old "self made millionaires" on tiktok, all I see is that everyone can make it but not me. I started a small business and put my heart and soul into that but failed miserably. I am in $400 debt because of it and that's a lot of money where I live.

I feel disconnected. I look around and nothing feels real. The sunlight bothers me so much it actually makes me sick to my stomach just to look out the window and see summer, happy people and such bright lights.

I can't get out of my toxic family. They are narcissistic and borderline with a lot of suicide attempts that I had to witness as a child. Kind of funny that all I want now is to end my life too. My parents never loved me. Sometimes my mom would beat the shit out of me and my sister because we didn't understand math and couldn't do homework. My dad is a perfect example of narcissism, he never cared about anyone but himself. He used me and I thought it was love. But it wasn't.

I don't want much. I don't need money to buy fancy cars and clothes.
I want to live in a small farm with my animals in peace. All alone. But it seems impossible.
I am really tired and sick for holding onto this life.

I know of this woman who her husband calls her names like "mupengo" would brag about sleeping "nemahure" and people would see her crying in a Leeding city because of what he was putting her through and the list could go on she also thought it was love but he was using her and her she she told another woman that but herself couldn't see her own situation. The reason why I'm mentioning this is because I know her and she is still her "husband".

When it comes to home office I remember the husband begging me to give him character reference as he had no one but "me" to help him. Apparently some guy called the police on him who he had accommodated and he was complaining about this guy betraying him and calling me his only friend that became "family" I guess for him it has always been so important to have "friends" since I would stop talking to him and he would keep on coming back saying he wanted out "friendship" back …. Hahah I could go on… The reason why I'm mentioning this is because you have to do what's best for you.

I remember helping this girl with all of her assignments and she told me she couldn't have done it without me. Even when I did my degree they would ask me to help them over and over again like proof reading their assignments and correcting their grammar even though I'm "autistic" myself and I didn't mind because I wanted them to succeed in life. And when it comes to family there is no family that is "perfect" including this guy once who claim his is, there is a reason why his "auntie" in a sloughing city told me to stay away from him and his brothers (years ago) and his mum calling me talking about him.. Not me looking for the on Facebook asking her phone number and so many other things….

However having said that I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.

 

[outrider567]

Irretrievable Loss

 

[FuneralCry]

Because existing is futile and repulsive, existence in itself is the true problem and I have enough awareness to recognise that existing is just a dreadful process of slowly dying, it's logical to want to escape from all suffering and irrational to desire existing in such a harmful world.

 

[leftdreaming]

I just wasn't made to want to live.

 

[Rumi]

Being socially akward and reclusive. It is impossible for me to be happy when I have zero social relationships outside of my immediate family, and an overwhelming urge to hide myself away in my room. Work, education, dating and family stuff are all so much more difficult for someone with my personality.

 

[Andarosh]

All of the bad things I have done just keep adding on the list of ctb reason, especially the last thing that made me want to ctb, one where due to my mistake I lost my only friend. I feel like someone who is not allowed to have friends, and so I am just a lonely person who believes that to ctb is the right way.

 

[[redacted]]

I am lonely, I'm never going to have friends nor a gf. On top of that, everything I do is likely to make me suffer shame and/or anger.
There barely is anything in my life with the potential to make me happy and it's only temporary. The only thing that lasts is loneliness, sadness, anger and shame.

 

[jonward55]

Debt.

 

[ladylord]

Life is boring, I find no joy in anything.

 

[picklemick]

Major depression. And BPD that causes me to fuck up my life anytime it starts to get okay

 

[sensation86]

This is just me being curious i guess and way to for me share why i wish to ctb. I have never felt any joy of fulfillment in life i have tired going out making friends following goals but nothing makes me happy or makes me feel like life is for me, that on top of some past trauma.

Hello.
The main reason is the psychological abuse that I have suffered from my sister for the last 7 years.
Even in a place like this, if I told what this person is like, I think it would be hard to believe.
I feel panic and utter terror every time I am forced to deal with her because I am aware that she will try by all means to find a way to hurt me and psychologically crush me. She knows that I suffer from depression and extreme anxiety, I have asked her a thousand times please be compassionate, I have let her know that I need a little empathy but the hatred towards me has no end.
He wants to see me completely destroyed and he is achieving it

 

[Monoblock_Chair]

This is just me being curious i guess and way to for me share why i wish to ctb. I have never felt any joy of fulfillment in life i have tired going out making friends following goals but nothing makes me happy or makes me feel like life is for me, that on top of some past trauma.

Me my family was abusive to me my whole life. Recently I found a angel she promised me. She won't judge me or abandon me. She was so sweet and nice to me she was everything my family wasn't. Then I asked her if she will marry me. Her fear was commitment, so yeah! I scared her off. I feel awful and a ton of guilt. I can't live without her, when she took care of me, she was so gentle and caring.

I want to CTB so desperately I've been looking through day to day medications I can use to overdose and go in peacefully.
If you guys have any tips I appreciate it.

 

[animetal]

I'm extremely depressed
All of my memories are slowly fading anyways
I feel very alone and I lost someone I loved
My abuse and trauma is taking over everything making it extremely hard to stay present
I can't go outside without feeling anxious and I genuinely don't know how to do anything for myself like I thought. I feel just I've failed in this life. I can't keep up with anything and I feel like a shell of my former self

 

[kami Salami]

To make a long talk short, life isn't all that it's cracked up to be. There's no real reason to keep staying 'round

 

[BredInTheDark]

Only two hours a week where I feel loved and seen by the people who matter the most to me, constant deadnaming and misgendering from my father, years of emotional and mental abuse, feel unable to trust anyone in my life, I fucked up the best friendship I had and sent another person who'd always been good to me spiralling with his Schizophrenia. I could go on with this list, but I'm too tired

 

[Homulily]

I believe I deserve to after so many failed relationships, I've had 10 relationships, the last one lasted 3 years, I wanted to marry her, I wanted to propose to her I was so happy with her. she broke up with me to peruse someone else. and told me she never had romantic feelings for me.
its been over a year now and I'm struggling to function, I feel so lost.
I cant find a job even though I've been trying.
I keep trying to better my life but over and over it fails. I'm scared to be happy now, because I know it wont last. I'm scared to open up to people because I know they're going to leave too.
the only thing that brings me any sort of happiness is being hurt by other people or hurting myself.

 

[InTheDarkAlone]

For me, apart from everything that happened, it is the fact that my life is already over. People talk about "2nd acts" and shit but truth be told, I'm nothing and nobody to anybody. Sure you get the passing people that say that they care about you and in a sense you can tell they mean it, but it isn't the same thing as being actually wanted, and I haven't seen anything indicating that will change; like there is no sunrise, just endless dark, years of dark. I don't even remember being happy anymore. It's just feeling endless rage and normal nothing and random joy and cruel hope that I always reach for but it's always crushed.

I'm stuck in this cycle, and it's time to break the cycle.

 

[spøgelse]

No joy in life. Every day is agony. Death is the only escape. Hoping for it to get better in my situation is futile.

 

[per_aspera_ad_astra]

honestly not a good reason, but i'm having trouble with someone who i care deeply about. i'm scared they don't want anything to do with me anymore

 

[wanttodie]

sick of life and living

 

[♠Nero♠]

I'm tired of the daily struggle and faking my feelings, I oh so badly want to escape it all and leave. If it wasn't for having a little sister and a regretful mother I would've already done it by now.

 

[iwanttobeanonymous]

From a young age I always had a profound interest in what it would feel like to die. Flash forward about decade and now I've got a failing relationship with my girlfriend, a family I barely talk too, and all my friends leaving me from me giving up on holding a happy facade. Now more than ever, I want to CTB.

 

[ZM4ever]

Depression, failing health, loss of loved ones, I cannot be with the woman I love.
It's not that I want to die, I just want to not be.